I’ve discovered many “Christians” here on Xanga who actively promote a doctrine of hate. Of course they don’t come out and use that word. They dress up their hate in words like “reason” and “civility” and “natural order,” but it’s hate nonetheless, and it’s poisonous.  

Obviously these people are not restricted to Xanga. Hate in the name of religion has plagued mankind for all of recorded history, but I didn’t really understand it until I entered the ministry full-time in 1980.   

(cue wavy “going back in time” special effect.)  

I was 22 and had graduated from college that spring with a degree in Church Music. A month later I was called as the “Minister of Music and Youth” at the largest church in a very tiny town. I should have guessed that something was up at this church when the pastor refused to call me by my name and instead spent my entire tenure there referring to me as “college boy.” I discovered later that he had dropped out of school in Jr. High. I certainly didn’t care, but it was clear that he did. Proud of my newly acquired moniker, I jumped into my responsibilities like the zealot that I was. 

The rule among protestant churches in the south at the time was that Youth Ministers were to host an event after every home high school football game and that event was to be called a “Fifth Quarter.” I did not make up this rule, but I followed it religiously (rim shot). For homecoming week I decided to combine the Fifth Quarter with an equally revered institution called a “Lock-In.” For the uninitiated, a lock-in is an all night party in which the teenagers are locked inside the church building in much the same way the clinically insane are locked inside an asylum. 

I was determined that my first lock-in would be the greatest lock-in in all of recorded Youth Minister history and I began planning accordingly. I rented the high school cafeteria to hold the event in. I hired a Christian Rock-Band and a Christian Magician (In case you’re wondering, a Christian magician still pulls rabbits out of a hat, but the rabbits have been baptized.) I had arranged for movies and tons of food and I put out the word and hoped kids would show up, and show up they did. 

Perhaps it’s only because there was nothing else going on in this one stoplight town but pretty much the entire high school showed up. We had 176 teenagers spend the night in the high school cafeteria. That may not sound like a large number for many churches but that was significantly more than the average Sunday morning attendance at the church. 

The town had a large African-American population. I had been told when I was hired that there was some racial tension but I had not seen any real indication of it. The mix that night was about 50/50 between black and white students. The event ended the next morning with me thinking I was a cross between Billy Graham and Martin Luther King Jr. I had not only planned and hosted the highest attended event in our churches history, but I had single handedly healed any racial divide in our community. 

The kids left at 7:00 a.m. and after cleaning up, I stumbled home and into bed about 9:30 a.m. At 10:00 a.m. I was awakened by a phone call from the chairman of the youth committee. He said the committee had called an emergency meeting and that I was to be there at 11:00 a.m. I went to the meeting thinking that they were going to give me a medal for being the greatest Youth Minister in the history of the congregation, but that’s not exactly what happened. 

I walked into the living room of the chairman’s house and sat down in the only vacant chair in a pre-arranged circle. After an awkward silence the chairman finally spoke: “We’ve asked you here because we’ve decided that we can’t allow you to have any more activities like the one you had last night.” I was dumbfounded. “Why?” I asked. “We just don’t think it’s the direction our youth ministry needs to be heading.” “Why?” I asked. “Well, it’s just not what we think is in the best interest of our church.” “Why? I asked. (Even at 22, I knew when I was listening to bull shit and I thought if I asked the same question enough times I might finally get a real answer.) Finally a woman in the group, who also happened to be the church secretary, spoke up: “We don’t want them black kids thinking they can come to our church.” Finally, the truth had been spoken. (In reality, her English was probably better than that but I like to attribute bad grammar to her because it helps me continue to vilify her in my memory.) 

My soul died a little that day, and that was probably the beginning of my bizarre love/hate relationship with the ministry and organized religion in general.   

32 years have gone by but every time I read a comment or a post from a Christian here on Xanga that is nothing but hate wrapped in dogma I feel like I’m sitting back in that living room listening to bigots trying to justify their bigotry.  

You know who you are and you should be ashamed, but I know you’re not, and I know you never will be.  

Listen to what this pastor has to say about Gay Rights. I think you’ll be surprised. Preach it brother….

Do you remember the famous Star Trek episode “The Trouble with Tribbles” in which tiny mutant hairballs multiply rapidly until they almost appear to become one giant mutant hairball, kind of like Donald Trump? If you don’t remember it, the tribbles infest the entire Starship Enterprise and begin eating away at everything they see which would take all of the fun out of being one of the guys in the red shirts that always dies in every episode. I’ve encountered something similar lately with the troll population here on Xanga.  

I’ve been an Xanga member since 2004. I took a break in 2009 and then decided to reappear about three weeks ago. I did literally hundreds of posts during those first five years and never encountered a single troll. Then I made a huge tactical error… 

Have any of you gone over to the Revelife site? It’s a Christian blogging community that accepts reader submissions. One day I got a crazy idea; “I wonder if they would publish a post of mine?” Due to my rather bizarre love/hate relationship with organized religion I figured there was about as much chance of them publishing something I wrote as Michele Bachmann’s husband not actually being gay. But lo and behold they published this post in which I actually used the phrase “fucked up.”  

I was impressed. 

Then the trolls came, and for the life of me I don’t why I was surprised they would show up on a Christian website.  

Our dear friends over at Wikipedia define an internet troll as “Someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum, chat room, or blog, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.” 

Holy shitballs there are a bunch of these folks trolling around Xanga and NONE of them have a sense of humor! 

There were many well meaning people who were truly concerned about my impending date with hell fire and eternal damnation, but then I ran across people who appeared to be dicks for the sole purpose of being dicks. Please note that there is a difference between being a dick and actually having a dick. Some of the trolls were women and the male trolls are probably being dicks because of the microscopic size of their actual dick. However, to be fair, this is the same reason I’m in my 50’s and drive a sports car.  

There is one troll in particular that I’ve learned has a long and inglorious history here on Xanga. From what I’ve learned, he trolls under a name until he gets kicked off Xanga and then re-emerges as a new personality. I wont reveal his actual current Xanga incarnation here but it sort of rhymes with “the advisor of doves.” or maybe “the wearer of gloves,” or even “douche bag we want to shove.” 

I won’t glorify his antics here other to say that he must be a very unhappy person and he really, REALLY, needs to get back on his meds.  

In don’t understand trolling. Why would someone spend so much time and effort running all over Xanga leaving condescending, hateful, belligerent, and sometimes downright crazy comments on the posts of anyone they disagree with? Oh yeah…It must be because the are very unhappy people who really, REALLY, need to get back on their meds.  

I will admit that I have allowed him to get under my skin and when that happens he wins. So I’m going to follow sage advice and I’m going to stop feeding the trolls.  

Maybe if we all stop feeding the trolls they will wind up like the guys in the red shirts on Star Trek. 

The interest rates on Stafford Student loans is set to double from 3.4% to 6.8% on July 1st if congress does not act before then. Both the Senate and House versions of a bill to cap the rates were voted down just before the Memorial Day break. It’s looking unlikely that a bill may pass before the deadline. 

Democrats wish to pay for the bill by closing a tax loophole for wealthy Americans. Republicans want to pay for the bill by repealing a section of the Affordable Care Act. 

I believe the reality is that while Congressional Republicans feel they need to pay lip service to keeping student loan rates low for political reasons, the truth is that they hope the deadline passes and rates double. The reason why is obvious.

Studies by the Pew Research Center, the Intercollegiate Studies Institute, and about a million independent social psychologists all indicate a strong correlation between higher education and liberal ideology. By making it harder for people to get a college education or an advanced degree they hope to slowly make America less educated, therefore more Republican. 

As an example I offer “Mr. Frothy” himself; Rick Santorum. Ricky accused President Obama of being a “snob” because he wants “everybody in American to go to college.” This is a curious statement considering Santorum actually has more advanced degrees than Obama does. Santorum went on to imply to a crowd in Troy, Michigan that college professors try to “indoctrinate” students. Obviously Santorum has had enough education to see a correlation between higher education and liberal thinking (obviously in people other than himself) and sees it as a danger to his extreme right wing agenda. My son, who happens to be a college professor, does not indoctrinate students. He simply explains that he will be unable to pass them if they are not Democrats.

I don’t think everyone in America should go to college, but I would hope that higher education would be an aspiration for most young Americans and I do think it should be as assessable as possible. An educated America is a more innovative and prosperous America. Isn’t that part of the American dream? 

Besides, I’m a unapologetic liberal and I want to see the Republican Party crushed like the un-educated cockroaches they are. Opps….did I just say that out-loud?

Over the years several of you have suggested that perhaps it is time for me to stop serving on the staffs of traditional congregations and to start my own church. In fact, many of you have pledged to become charter members. After having several articles published recently over at Revelife and receiving a bunch of arrogant, hateful, and downright crazy comments, I’m not sure I want to go to church with any of those folks so I think I’m going to take you up on your suggestion. 

I’ve been thinking about how my church would work. Here is my plan:

1. Services will be conducted over webcast or Skype. Followers will be asked to set up their laptops in their favorite bar that has free Wi-Fi. Services will be held every Friday after work during happy hour. 
2. Since we will all be at a bar, my sermons will also be a drinking game. I will send out a secret word via email each week before the service. Whenever I use that word in my sermon everyone has to down a shot. 
3. You may have any religious beliefs you wish, but under no circumstances are you allowed to be a dick about them.
4. Since I believe the concept of Separation of Church and State is sacrosanct we will never discuss politics during service times. However, after each service there will be a “fellowship” hour. During the fellowship hour the member that comes up with the best Republican joke gets all their drinks paid for. 
5. Following the great tradition established by so many of the high-profile church leaders that have come before me, I reserve the right to have sex with any female church member whenever I wish. However, I will need to ask my wife’s permission first, so if you are a potential female church member I wouldn’t waste too much time worrying about this one. 
6. I will be accepting donations, but in the spirit of full disclosure I’ll let you know right now that I plan to spend all the money on a new boat. I promise never to spend the money on male prostitutes and blow. 
7. There will be things that we are going to stress as a congregation. Those things are:

Family – Whatever your family may look like. Service – You will be required to find one area of service and stick with it. Be it Habitat for Humanity, your local hospital, or your local shelter/soup kitchen, we believe that church members serve others. Basic Human Decency – We believe in treating everyone with respect and compassion (unless of course that person is Rush Limbaugh; you can kick him in the balls.) Critical Thinking -  At no point is anyone to believe anything I say without thinking through it critically, because most of the time I will be completely full of shit. 

There you go. That’s my church. Please get your registration in early. The first 100 people to sign up will get an autographed head shot and an engraved wall plaque that says “I’m a Charter Member of the First Church of the Cold Skivvies.”

See you at services on Friday. 

Two and half years ago I stopped posting because too many customers were finding my site and declaring that they could no longer do business with me because I had abandoned my ministerial roots and become a tree-hugin, homo-lovin, pinko-commie-bastard, godless reprobate (and they didn’t even know that I occasionally have wet dreams about Hillary Clinton!) 

At the time my plan was to shut down the site completely, but instead I decided to go through six years of posts and meticulously delete any references to my real name and then let the site sit. After two and half years it is now virtually impossible to find this site by googling my name. Since anything you post on the internet is forever, It can be done, but you’d really have to work at. If someone wants to work that hard to find a reason not to do business with me then chances are they are probably a dick and I don’t want their money anyway. 

I moved over to blogspot where I post heart warming little reflections on life and link them to my Facebook page. But at no time can I say something on Blogspot like…

COMPARING RICK SANTORUM TO “FROTHY FECAL MATER” IS AN INSULT TO FROTHY FECAL MATER 

 …without fear of retribution. 

 I really miss that. 

So I’m back. I don’t know how often I’ll post but I need an outlet where I can say exactly what I think, and here is my first topic:

I recently submitted an old post to revelife. Of course I had to do some serious editing before I submitted it, but to their credit they actually published it. Obviously I took a position on a topic (the subject of God’s will) that wasn’t exactly “theologically mainstream.” I was really curious what kind of comments the post would get. So far the post has gotten a about 40 comments and many of them were from people who would not identify themselves as “Christians.” There were pleasant comments from both sides of the fence but I did notice something; the handful of comments that were snippy, condescending, hateful, or downright crazy, were all from Christians. In the post I referenced the story of my mother’s battle with Schizophrenia. One person actually commented that a friend had done research and discovered that Schizophrenia was the result of a generational curse caused by an ancestor dabbling in the occult. 

I thought the Salem Witch Trials happened in 1629, but apparently that kind of crazy still lives on. 

So a quick suggestion for all my Christian friends who believe in the Great Commission and are serious about sharing their faith; stop being assholes. I promise it will go along way toward helping you achieve your goal.

I don’t know if there in anyone left who used to read my drivel. If you’re still here, I’d love for you to say hi!

13 year-old-me to Counselor at Church Camp: My mom was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I keep praying for her to get better, but she just keeps getting worse. Why won’t God make her better?

Camp Counselor: I can think of two possible reasons. The first is that it might be God’s plan for her to have Schizophrenia.

Me: Why would God have a plan like that?

Camp Counselor: God works in mysterious ways that we can’t understand. We might not be able to see it, but God might be able to use her disease to bring about great good in other people’s lives.

Me: Ok…what’s the other possible reason?

Camp Counselor: Well, God says that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed that we can move mountains. Maybe you don’t have enough faith.

Me: So my choices are; God wants my mom to be sick because it’s his plan, or it’s my fault because I don’t have enough faith?

Camp Counselor: Yes

Me: That’s pretty fucked up.

I didn’t really say that because I didn’t talk that way then. I do talk that way now, however, and what amazes me is that after hundreds of exchanges like this during my formative years I still went on to Seminary and became a minister instead of asking God to go create a cliff and then jump off of it. It actually took me another 20 years to allow myself to see how seriously disturbed that kind of rhetoric is.

Perhaps it’s in our DNA to want to believe that God has an intricate plan that involves every aspect of our lives. I think it makes us feel more safe and secure and allows us to attribute meaning to events that seem arbitrary and random. I believed strongly that God had a detailed plan for my life for a long time. However, after years in the ministry dealing with people who had endured unspeakable tragedy I finally had to admit that it was impossible for me to hold onto that belief without concluding that God is a sick bastard. 

I mentioned this conclusion to my small group at church the other evening. I said that my position is that the world can be a bad place and if you live in the world bad things might very well happen to you regardless of whether you’re good or bad or how you label yourself. I went on to say that I think God’s “plan” is for us to strive to have the positive attributes we ascribe to him and that outside of that, I don’t think God gets involved in the ins and outs of our daily lives.

Amid gasps of horror I decided to press the point. I went on to say that as a group we spent a lot of time praying for sick people and that, in my opinion, it’s probably kind of a waste of time. I suggested that it might be better to just stand around and hold hands and hope their doctor went to a good medical school.

For me, believing that God created us but maintains a “hands off” policy with our daily lives doesn’t make him less loving. In fact, the thought of a God that manipulates events like a puppeteer controlling a marionette according to a plan only he is capable of understanding is the antithesis of love. 

What do you think? Does God have a detailed plan for your life?

I’ve given up worrying about whether the media has a liberal bias or a conservative bias, I’m more worried that the media is collectively smoking crack. It seems that every headline I read warns of some imminent danger that will probably kill me and my loved ones; most likely by the end of the day.

I strongly believe that in every newspaper, radio, television, and website newsroom in America the following conversation (or something very close to it) takes place on a daily basis:

Editor: Hey Bob, read me the opening paragraph on the human interest story you’re working on.

Copywriter: Sure: “A first grader at Robert E. Lee Elementary School accidentally scuffed his chin today when he jumped off the Merry-Go-Round. His teacher, Miss Shelnick, quickly came to the rescue. She scooped the child in her arms, kissed his boo-boo, and made it all better.”

Editor: That’s not bad Bob, but could you punch it up a bit?

Copywriter: Sure boss. How about: “A first grader at Robert E. Lee Elementary school was nearly decapitated today by grossly neglected, and extremely dangerous playground equipment. Will your child live through recess? Read our investigative report to find out.”

Editor: Not bad, but if you could imply that the teacher could possibly be a registered sex offender and that’s why she kissed him, I think we’ll have a winner.

We’ve grown mostly desensitized to this type of sensationalism. That’s probably due to the ubiquitous “all hell’s about to break loose” weather forecast:

Tropical depression ‘Tootsie’ with rain fall of 1 1/2 inches and winds of up to 8 miles per hour has formed in the Atlantic Ocean approximately 500 miles from the nearest land mass. Unnamed experts predict that this will grow into a category 35 hurricane that could easily decimate the entire Atlantic Seaboard and eradicate all life as we know as far west as Kansas. We here at the Channel Five Weather Center promise to bring you 24/7 coverage of this breaking weather story even if we have to run archived hurricane footage dating all the way back to 1965 just to fill air time.

I understand that in a media soaked culture if a headline doesn’t pop it probably doesn’t get read which means the publisher can’t sell advertising. But as it is often said; “perception is reality” which would mean that if you can change perception you can change reality. If that is truly the case, the media should remember the immortal words of Tobey Mcguire playing Spiderman; “with great power comes great responsibility” (and Kirsten Dunst in a wet t-shirt, apparently). Therefore, I think it’s time for some “Sensationalism Accountability.” 

I think the need for this can be illustrated best by the media’s coverage of the current economic crises. During this recession I’ve become obsessed with following the stock market. This isn’t because my portfolio is so large that I need to consult with Warren Buffett on a daily basis, but simply because I would really like to retire prior to my 95th birthday.  Stocks have been on a multi-month rally as the recovery gets underway. Even with that type of positive news, every time the DOW dips by a couple of points the headlines on CNN all read that the recovery is hoax and that the market is about to suffer “an apocalyptic collapse of biblical proportion.”

I don’t know shit about the stock market but I can tell you this, if the DOW is up 100 points today it will most likely be down at least 80 points tomorrow. This is because people are cashing out their gains and does not mean that we all need to be poised on the window ledges of our office buildings.

Yes, this recession has been the worst since the great depression. and yes, the unemployment rate is near 10%. That is due primarily to greedy people doing incredibly greedy things, but I also have to wonder how much of it is actually driven by the media. I think some enterprising statistician from the Pew Research Center should conduct a study to see if there is a direct correlation between the publication of a sensationalized “doom and gloom” economic headline and layoffs. I’d bet you 10 shares of Microsoft that there is.

I’m not saying that we need to regulate the media. I’m a firm believer in the 1st amendment even if it does allow the Glenn Becks and Rush Limbaughs of the world to exist.  I would simply like to call on the media to demonstrate a little self restraint. If you’re like me you would like your news the way Walter Cronkite delivered it; without hyperbole and without sensationalism. When Walter said “and that’s the way it is” we all felt fairly certain that really was the way it was.

I think Joe Friday said it best:

Just the facts ma’am.

I try to attend the state fair every year. “Why would you purposely spend hard earned money to dive headlong into the shallowest part of the gene pool?” I hear you ask. There are several reasons:

First, there is no better place to witness the latest advancements in “food on a stick” technology.

Secondly, I like to stock up on “Sham WOW’s.”

Finally, I get to walk around the midway, look at the people, and wonder where they came from and what they do when they are not at the fair other than shop at Wal-Mart late at night.

I don’t go to the fair to ride the carnival rides because, frankly, if I wanted to spend money to make myself physically ill I would buy tickets to a Jonas Brothers concert. I also don’t go to the fair to see the livestock because I live in Oklahoma. If I want to see livestock I can go two blocks in any direction.

The main reason that I attend the fair is to conduct a little “contest” in my mind as I walk around the fairgrounds. Here are the categories and this year’s winners:

Food most likely to cause cardiac arrest simply by looking at it: There are several notables in this category. Fried chocolate cake on a stick was a good effort as was mashed potatoes on a stick (winner in the “food on a stick technology” category), but the winner this year goes to chocolate covered bacon. You have to give props to a food that can simultaneously clog your arteries and trigger a diabetic coma.

Most inappropriately dressed fat woman: I don’t know what it is about the state fair that makes 300 lb. women want to put on low cut jeans and a tube top with no bra but it draws them like ants to a dropped Twinkie.  If you fall into that demographic let me just say this: A “whale tail” is not attractive on any woman whose ass could be mistaken for an actual whale. This year the prize goes to the large 35 year old woman in the halter top which revealed the giant “Daddy’s Girl” tattoo. In light of the recent revelations by Mackenzie Philips, seeing this made me throw up my chocolate covered bacon in my mouth a little bit.

Most disturbing piercing:  Let me preface this category by saying large people in revealing clothing is not a female-specific transgression. In fact, men are probably much more likely to put on a stained Lynyrd Skynyrd tank top that fails to cover up their enormous beer gut by 8 inches and stand in front of the mirror before heading out to the fair and think “Damn, I’m a good looking man.” To the gentleman in the above mentioned attire with the pierced nipples who is this year’s winner, just let me say that the thought of what you do with those nipples is causing me to have nightmares and loose sleep.

I realize that I probably make Oklahoma sound like a state full of backward, inbred, mouth-breathing mutants, and I want you to know that I do that only because it’s true.

I’m kidding. Oklahoma is a great state with a healthy economy, cutting edge communications and aerospace technology, and some of the most brilliant people on the planet. I’m just not sure you could tell that by attending the fair.

Many of you have told me that you are envious of the fact that I get to travel all of the time. My job does allow me to visit exotic locations like Louisville, Cleveland, Des Moines, and Minneapolis where I get to soak up the rich history and diverse culture. My travels have truly allowed me to become the quintessential Renaissance Man. However, my son Jordan (in a vain attempt to mimic my sophistication and worldliness) has recently moved to a city in the Netherlands called Maastricht. 

Ostensibly, this is a four month trip in which my son is shepherding a group of undergrads during a semester abroad while he lectures and does research for his dissertation. The truth, however, is that it is all a ruse that is allowing him to run all over Europe and drink beer.

He has posted pictures from Salzburg, Munich, Prague, Amsterdam, Brussels, Paris, and Vienna, and I just got a post card from him while he was in Copenhagen, (for all of my readers from Oklahoma, Copenhagen is an actual city in Denmark and not just a brand of snuff) and in every group of pictures there are numerous photos of him drinking beer.

I’m so frickin’ jealous I can hardly stand it.

All kidding aside, my son and his lovely wife are enjoying the opportunity of a lifetime and I couldn’t be happier for him or prouder of him.

I give you Jordan LaBouff: Friend, Teacher, Scholar, Intellectual, Writer, Video Gaming Expert, Rock Star, and International Beer Connoisseur.

You could try to be cooler than my son, but you would fail miserably.

EDIT: As further evidence of his beer-fueled rampage of Europe,  I offer the following photo he posted this morning from Oktoberfest in Munich: