My secretary tapped on my office door inside the First Baptist Church of small town Oklahoma, peeked inside, and said “Mrs. Blackwood is here to see you.” Then, making sure only I could see her, she rolled her eyes and backed out of the doorway, leaving room for my visitor to slip past her. I invited Mrs. Blackwood to come in and set down while I tried unsuccessfully to suppress a guilty grin.

“God has been speaking to me” she began in an incredibly condescending tone, “and he wants me to tell you that he disapproves of the post-prom party you are planning for the youth group.”

“Really? and exactly what is it he disapproves of?” “Well” she replied, “by having the party start after the prom rather than having it during the prom you are implying that the church feels it is acceptable for young christian men and women to dance together in a lascivious manner.” I attempted to counter by saying that, at least in my own personal experience, it was what happened after the prom that usually got kids in trouble and that to the best of my knowledge no one had ever actually gotten pregnant while on the dance floor.

“I don’t appreciate your cavalier attitude young man. I intend to bring this up to the church board, have the party cancelled, and see that you are disciplined.” “In the future” she continued, “perhaps you should spend more time in prayer and personal Bible study so that you can more accurately discern the will of God.”

“Thank you for your concern, and for sharing your opinion, Mrs. Blackwood. However, if God wants to tell me something I imagine he would speak directly to me.”

I know this sounds like a scene from the movie “Footloose” but it’s actually a scene out of my life in the ministry, circa 1987.

The scene above repeated itself in many, many different transmutations over the course of the 17 years I was a minister. Which is why, even today, if I hear someone start a sentence by saying “God told me” I turn my back away from that person because I figure I’m about to get fucked in the ass.

“Bitter much?” I hear you say. No…not so much bitter as I am incredibly world weary of the ways that people use religion to justify and promote their personal agendas. That is a subject I’ve beaten to death in this blog and there is no reason to beat a dead Sunday School Quarterly again. I only bring it up because of a response I got to my last entry.

It happens every time my blog is on the front page. My liberal leanings make somebody want to try and save me. I received the comment below on my last entry:

I’m sending an important message to people from Jehovah God that is in the Bible: “And my holy name I will make known… and I will not suffer my holy name to be profaned any more: and the nations shall have to know that I am Jehovah.” (Ezekiel 39:7) (YLT)

Well, god dammit, I’d better straighten up and fly right.

(What can I say, Mrs. Blackwood could never get me to change my cavalier attitude.)

While I’m sure the author of that comment has only the best of intentions I imagine they would be highly surprised to learn that I’m still on a church staff even if it is a volunteer position.

We’re a weird little church. We try and feed a lot of people. We try and provide clothes to a lot of people. And we could care less what color you are, what language you speak,  what your political affiliation is, or who you sleep with. We don’t proselytize, and we don’t point fingers. Most of all, we have lots of fun, and the best part may be that my pastor is my best friend and my best drinking buddy. As far as I’m concerned it doesn’t get any better than that.

That doesn’t make my “brand” of religion any better than anyone else’s, but I can say that I never start a sentence with “God told me.”

I might start a sentence with “My bartender told me” but it won’t mean I’m about to fuck you in the ass.

I mentioned awhile back that I have a Facebook page like every other person on the planet, but that I never mention politics or religion in that forum. That’s because I have lots of very conservative friends on Facebook (i.e. customers and fellow employees) who do not know I am a baby-killin, homo-loving, tree-huggin, wack-job liberal, and they would cease to do business with me should they discover this fact.

Perhaps you find it disingenuous that I’m less than forthcoming about my personal dogma in the pursuit of filthy lucre.

If you do, you can just keep on worrying about my ethics and I’ll keep on paying my mortgage.

Anyway…I can be open on here, so I’d like to state for the record that I’m confused about something…

All of my Republican friends on Facebook keep talking about how they are against health care reform because they can’t abide the idea of government interfering in their lives.

Fair enough, but if they are concerned about government interference in their lives then why do they think it’s perfectly acceptable for the government to:

• Tell a woman what she can and can’t do with her own body.
• Tell everyone in America who they are allowed or not allowed to marry.
• Invade the privacy of American Citizens while playing on their fears.
• Promote Christianity over other religions by instituting “faith-based” initiatives.

Maybe I’m nuts, but I don’t mind the government making sure that every American has access to health care and I don’t mind helping pay for it, but I do want the government to stay OUT of my bedroom, my church, and my emails and phone calls.

So…if Republicans are really against government interference in our lives, then maybe I’m a Republican after all?