 ColdSkivvies
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Name: Not telling
Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma, United States
Gender: Male
Interests: I'm interested in theatre, good books, good friends, politics, playing music, and not taking life too seriously
Expertise: Sound, Video, and Lighting system design and installation.
Occupation: National Sales Manager
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
11/22/2004
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| Two and half years ago I stopped posting because too many customers were finding my site and declaring that they could no longer do business with me because I had abandoned my ministerial roots and become a tree-hugin, homo-lovin, pinko-commie-bastard, godless reprobate (and they didn’t even know that I occasionally have wet dreams about Hillary Clinton!) At the time my plan was to shut down the site completely, but instead I decided to go through six years of posts and meticulously delete any references to my real name and then let the site sit. After two and half years it is now virtually impossible to find this site by googling my name. Since anything you post on the internet is forever, It can be done, but you’d really have to work at. If someone wants to work that hard to find a reason not to do business with me then chances are they are probably a dick and I don’t want their money anyway. I moved over to blogspot where I post heart warming little reflections on life and link them to my Facebook page. But at no time can I say something on Blogspot like... COMPARING RICK SANTORUM TO “FROTHY FECAL MATER” IS AN INSULT TO FROTHY FECAL MATER ...without fear of retribution. I really miss that. So I’m back. I don’t know how often I’ll post but I need an outlet where I can say exactly what I think, and here is my first topic: I recently submitted an old post to revelife. Of course I had to do some serious editing before I submitted it, but to their credit they actually published it. Obviously I took a position on a topic (the subject of God’s will) that wasn’t exactly “theologically mainstream.” I was really curious what kind of comments the post would get. So far the post has gotten a about 40 comments and many of them were from people who would not identify themselves as “Christians.” There were pleasant comments from both sides of the fence but I did notice something; the handful of comments that were snippy, condescending, hateful, or downright crazy, were all from Christians. In the post I referenced the story of my mother’s battle with Schizophrenia. One person actually commented that a friend had done research and discovered that Schizophrenia was the result of a generational curse caused by an ancestor dabbling in the occult. I thought the Salem Witch Trials happened in 1629, but apparently that kind of crazy still lives on. So a quick suggestion for all my Christian friends who believe in the Great Commission and are serious about sharing their faith; stop being assholes. I promise it will go along way toward helping you achieve your goal. I don’t know if there in anyone left who used to read my drivel. If you’re still here, I’d love for you to say hi!
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| A CONVERSATION AT CHURCH CAMP
13 year-old-me to Counselor at Church Camp: My mom was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I keep praying for her to get better, but she just keeps getting worse. Why won’t God make her better?
Camp Counselor: I can think of two possible reasons. The first is that it might be God’s plan for her to have Schizophrenia.
Me: Why would God have a plan like that?
Camp Counselor: God works in mysterious ways that we can’t understand. We might not be able to see it, but God might be able to use her disease to bring about great good in other people’s lives.
Me: Ok...what’s the other possible reason?
Camp Counselor: Well, God says that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed that we can move mountains. Maybe you don’t have enough faith.
Me: So my choices are; God wants my mom to be sick because it’s his plan, or it’s my fault because I don’t have enough faith?
Camp Counselor: Yes
Me: That’s pretty fucked up.
I didn’t really say that because I didn’t talk that way then. I do talk that way now, however, and what amazes me is that after hundreds of exchanges like this during my formative years I still went on to Seminary and became a minister instead of asking God to go create a cliff and then jump off of it. It actually took me another 20 years to allow myself to see how seriously disturbed that kind of rhetoric is.
Perhaps it’s in our DNA to want to believe that God has an intricate plan that involves every aspect of our lives. I think it makes us feel more safe and secure and allows us to attribute meaning to events that seem arbitrary and random. I believed strongly that God had a detailed plan for my life for a long time. However, after years in the ministry dealing with people who had endured unspeakable tragedy I finally had to admit that it was impossible for me to hold onto that belief without concluding that God is a sick bastard. I mentioned this conclusion to my small group at church the other evening. I said that my position is that the world can be a bad place and if you live in the world bad things might very well happen to you regardless of whether you’re good or bad or how you label yourself. I went on to say that I think God’s “plan” is for us to strive to have the positive attributes we ascribe to him and that outside of that, I don’t think God gets involved in the ins and outs of our daily lives.
Amid gasps of horror I decided to press the point. I went on to say that as a group we spent a lot of time praying for sick people and that, in my opinion, it’s probably kind of a waste of time. I suggested that it might be better to just stand around and hold hands and hope their doctor went to a good medical school. For me, believing that God created us but maintains a “hands off” policy with our daily lives doesn’t make him less loving. In fact, the thought of a God that manipulates events like a puppeteer controlling a marionette according to a plan only he is capable of understanding is the antithesis of love. What do you think? Does God have a detailed plan for your life?
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| JUST THE FACTS MA’AM
I’ve given up worrying about whether the media has a liberal bias or a conservative bias, I’m more worried that the media is collectively smoking crack. It seems that every headline I read warns of some imminent danger that will probably kill me and my loved ones; most likely by the end of the day.
I strongly believe that in every newspaper, radio, television, and website newsroom in America the following conversation (or something very close to it) takes place on a daily basis:
Editor: Hey Bob, read me the opening paragraph on the human interest story you’re working on.
Copywriter: Sure: “A first grader at Robert E. Lee Elementary School accidentally scuffed his chin today when he jumped off the Merry-Go-Round. His teacher, Miss Shelnick, quickly came to the rescue. She scooped the child in her arms, kissed his boo-boo, and made it all better.”
Editor: That’s not bad Bob, but could you punch it up a bit?
Copywriter: Sure boss. How about: “A first grader at Robert E. Lee Elementary school was nearly decapitated today by grossly neglected, and extremely dangerous playground equipment. Will your child live through recess? Read our investigative report to find out.”
Editor: Not bad, but if you could imply that the teacher could possibly be a registered sex offender and that’s why she kissed him, I think we’ll have a winner.
We’ve grown mostly desensitized to this type of sensationalism. That’s probably due to the ubiquitous “all hell’s about to break loose” weather forecast:
Tropical depression ‘Tootsie’ with rain fall of 1 1/2 inches and winds of up to 8 miles per hour has formed in the Atlantic Ocean approximately 500 miles from the nearest land mass. Unnamed experts predict that this will grow into a category 35 hurricane that could easily decimate the entire Atlantic Seaboard and eradicate all life as we know as far west as Kansas. We here at the Channel Five Weather Center promise to bring you 24/7 coverage of this breaking weather story even if we have to run archived hurricane footage dating all the way back to 1965 just to fill air time.
I understand that in a media soaked culture if a headline doesn’t pop it probably doesn’t get read which means the publisher can’t sell advertising. But as it is often said; “perception is reality” which would mean that if you can change perception you can change reality. If that is truly the case, the media should remember the immortal words of Tobey Mcguire playing Spiderman; “with great power comes great responsibility” (and Kirsten Dunst in a wet t-shirt, apparently). Therefore, I think it’s time for some “Sensationalism Accountability.”
I think the need for this can be illustrated best by the media’s coverage of the current economic crises. During this recession I’ve become obsessed with following the stock market. This isn’t because my portfolio is so large that I need to consult with Warren Buffett on a daily basis, but simply because I would really like to retire prior to my 95th birthday. Stocks have been on a multi-month rally as the recovery gets underway. Even with that type of positive news, every time the DOW dips by a couple of points the headlines on CNN all read that the recovery is hoax and that the market is about to suffer “an apocalyptic collapse of biblical proportion.”
I don’t know shit about the stock market but I can tell you this, if the DOW is up 100 points today it will most likely be down at least 80 points tomorrow. This is because people are cashing out their gains and does not mean that we all need to be poised on the window ledges of our office buildings.
Yes, this recession has been the worst since the great depression. and yes, the unemployment rate is near 10%. That is due primarily to greedy people doing incredibly greedy things, but I also have to wonder how much of it is actually driven by the media. I think some enterprising statistician from the Pew Research Center should conduct a study to see if there is a direct correlation between the publication of a sensationalized “doom and gloom” economic headline and layoffs. I’d bet you 10 shares of Microsoft that there is.
I’m not saying that we need to regulate the media. I’m a firm believer in the 1st amendment even if it does allow the Glenn Becks and Rush Limbaughs of the world to exist. I would simply like to call on the media to demonstrate a little self restraint. If you’re like me you would like your news the way Walter Cronkite delivered it; without hyperbole and without sensationalism. When Walter said “and that’s the way it is” we all felt fairly certain that really was the way it was.
I think Joe Friday said it best:
Just the facts ma’am.
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| THIS YEAR’S “STATE FAIR MUTANT AWARDS”
I try to attend the state fair every year. “Why would you purposely spend hard earned money to dive headlong into the shallowest part of the gene pool?” I hear you ask. There are several reasons:
First, there is no better place to witness the latest advancements in “food on a stick” technology.
Secondly, I like to stock up on “Sham WOW’s.”
Finally, I get to walk around the midway, look at the people, and wonder where they came from and what they do when they are not at the fair other than shop at Wal-Mart late at night.
I don’t go to the fair to ride the carnival rides because, frankly, if I wanted to spend money to make myself physically ill I would buy tickets to a Jonas Brothers concert. I also don’t go to the fair to see the livestock because I live in Oklahoma. If I want to see livestock I can go two blocks in any direction.
The main reason that I attend the fair is to conduct a little “contest” in my mind as I walk around the fairgrounds. Here are the categories and this year’s winners:
Food most likely to cause cardiac arrest simply by looking at it: There are several notables in this category. Fried chocolate cake on a stick was a good effort as was mashed potatoes on a stick (winner in the “food on a stick technology” category), but the winner this year goes to chocolate covered bacon. You have to give props to a food that can simultaneously clog your arteries and trigger a diabetic coma.
Most inappropriately dressed fat woman: I don’t know what it is about the state fair that makes 300 lb. women want to put on low cut jeans and a tube top with no bra but it draws them like ants to a dropped Twinkie. If you fall into that demographic let me just say this: A “whale tail” is not attractive on any woman whose ass could be mistaken for an actual whale. This year the prize goes to the large 35 year old woman in the halter top which revealed the giant “Daddy’s Girl” tattoo. In light of the recent revelations by Mackenzie Philips, seeing this made me throw up my chocolate covered bacon in my mouth a little bit.
Most disturbing piercing: Let me preface this category by saying large people in revealing clothing is not a female-specific transgression. In fact, men are probably much more likely to put on a stained Lynyrd Skynyrd tank top that fails to cover up their enormous beer gut by 8 inches and stand in front of the mirror before heading out to the fair and think “Damn, I’m a good looking man.” To the gentleman in the above mentioned attire with the pierced nipples who is this year’s winner, just let me say that the thought of what you do with those nipples is causing me to have nightmares and loose sleep.
I realize that I probably make Oklahoma sound like a state full of backward, inbred, mouth-breathing mutants, and I want you to know that I do that only because it’s true.
I’m kidding. Oklahoma is a great state with a healthy economy, cutting edge communications and aerospace technology, and some of the most brilliant people on the planet. I’m just not sure you could tell that by attending the fair.
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| THE INTERNATIONAL BEER CONNOISSEUR
Many of you have told me that you are envious of the fact that I get to travel all of the time. My job does allow me to visit exotic locations like Louisville, Cleveland, Des Moines, and Minneapolis where I get to soak up the rich history and diverse culture. My travels have truly allowed me to become the quintessential Renaissance Man. However, my son Jordan (in a vain attempt to mimic my sophistication and worldliness) has recently moved to a city in the Netherlands called Maastricht.
Ostensibly, this is a four month trip in which my son is shepherding a group of undergrads during a semester abroad while he lectures and does research for his dissertation. The truth, however, is that it is all a ruse that is allowing him to run all over Europe and drink beer.
He has posted pictures from Salzburg, Munich, Prague, Amsterdam, Brussels, Paris, and Vienna, and I just got a post card from him while he was in Copenhagen, (for all of my readers from Oklahoma, Copenhagen is an actual city in Denmark and not just a brand of snuff) and in every group of pictures there are numerous photos of him drinking beer.
I’m so frickin’ jealous I can hardly stand it.
All kidding aside, my son and his lovely wife are enjoying the opportunity of a lifetime and I couldn’t be happier for him or prouder of him.
I give you Jordan LaBouff: Friend, Teacher, Scholar, Intellectual, Writer, Video Gaming Expert, Rock Star, and International Beer Connoisseur.
You could try to be cooler than my son, but you would fail miserably.
EDIT: As further evidence of his beer-fueled rampage of Europe, I offer the following photo he posted this morning from Oktoberfest in Munich:
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