THIS YEAR’S “STATE FAIR MUTANT AWARDS”
I try to attend the state fair every year. “Why would you purposely spend hard earned money to dive headlong into the shallowest part of the gene pool?” I hear you ask. There are several reasons:
First, there is no better place to witness the latest advancements in “food on a stick” technology.
Secondly, I like to stock up on “Sham WOW’s.”
Finally, I get to walk around the midway, look at the people, and wonder where they came from and what they do when they are not at the fair other than shop at Wal-Mart late at night.
I don’t go to the fair to ride the carnival rides because, frankly, if I wanted to spend money to make myself physically ill I would buy tickets to a Jonas Brothers concert. I also don’t go to the fair to see the livestock because I live in Oklahoma. If I want to see livestock I can go two blocks in any direction.
The main reason that I attend the fair is to conduct a little “contest” in my mind as I walk around the fairgrounds. Here are the categories and this year’s winners:
Food most likely to cause cardiac arrest simply by looking at it: There are several notables in this category. Fried chocolate cake on a stick was a good effort as was mashed potatoes on a stick (winner in the “food on a stick technology” category), but the winner this year goes to chocolate covered bacon. You have to give props to a food that can simultaneously clog your arteries and trigger a diabetic coma.
Most inappropriately dressed fat woman: I don’t know what it is about the state fair that makes 300 lb. women want to put on low cut jeans and a tube top with no bra but it draws them like ants to a dropped Twinkie. If you fall into that demographic let me just say this: A “whale tail” is not attractive on any woman whose ass could be mistaken for an actual whale. This year the prize goes to the large 35 year old woman in the halter top which revealed the giant “Daddy’s Girl” tattoo. In light of the recent revelations by Mackenzie Philips, seeing this made me throw up my chocolate covered bacon in my mouth a little bit.
Most disturbing piercing: Let me preface this category by saying large people in revealing clothing is not a female-specific transgression. In fact, men are probably much more likely to put on a stained Lynyrd Skynyrd tank top that fails to cover up their enormous beer gut by 8 inches and stand in front of the mirror before heading out to the fair and think “Damn, I’m a good looking man.” To the gentleman in the above mentioned attire with the pierced nipples who is this year’s winner, just let me say that the thought of what you do with those nipples is causing me to have nightmares and loose sleep.
I realize that I probably make Oklahoma sound like a state full of backward, inbred, mouth-breathing mutants, and I want you to know that I do that only because it’s true.
I’m kidding. Oklahoma is a great state with a healthy economy, cutting edge communications and aerospace technology, and some of the most brilliant people on the planet. I’m just not sure you could tell that by attending the fair.
Comments (15)
This entry is solid gold.
fried chocolate cake on a stick! wow. i once listened to an interview with this woman who made things like chocolate covered bacon for a living.
too bad no pictures.
I think this applies to any state fair in the US. I live in California and have seen varying humans of each description you listed.
Ha! OMGOSH!! Glad you posted today! I needed the laugh! I’ve lived in states other than OK, and we have people here that must be from OK! Ha! Just teasing you!!!
We have our own weirdos! Glad you had fun at the fair! HUGS! 
sounds appealing…
“…like ants to a dropped Twinkie.” Priceless! But slightly inaccurate. That would be “…like ants to a dropped FRIED Twinkie.” LOL I think you beautifully captured the essence of a state fair, but I have to ask: Where the heck was your camera?!?
Kathi
I’m sorry, I got stuck at the cake. It’s all I can think of now.
Apparently, this is universal. While I’ve not yet graced our state fair, I have attended local ones. We get the tube tops, but not the chocolate covered bacon. I feel gypped. Were you the person who linked to “peopleofwalmart.com” ? Your post reminded me of that site. The captions and comments are priceless.
And speaking of pictures… my former supervisor has dyed the front half of her head white and the back half brunette. Google a Chewbacca costume and you have the general idea. We’re trying to get a cell phone pic, but so far, no luck. I’ll bet she wears tube tops on her days off.
He needs somewhere to hang his chocolate bacon sticks so he can stop to pay for his shamwows.
That’s what he does with his pierced nipples.
I have yet to go to the fair in Oklahoma. I think it has something to do with my severe dislike of parking issues and HUGE crowds of people. However, as I drove by on Sunday morning I thought, oooh, it would be fun to show the kids all the cute little animals! Children. My direct connection to the dark side.
Oh, and HA HA, funny post!
And PS. I DO know what makes a person pregnant, that was why I was worried!!!
I’ve seen those ppl here in upstate NY. They’re everywhere! but yeah I think they do especially love walmart!
chocolate covered bacon huh? well, i hear at the Texas state fair this year they are servin up deep fried butter. yumm yumm. i’m sure there will be plenty of walmart rejects eating that stuff.
I’m waiting for deep fried, chocolate-covered filet mignon on a stick, covered in whipped cream. Sure, I’ll die…but I’ll die happy. Damn the sit-ups.
State Fair starts this weekend in Raleigh, NC!!!! LOL!!!! They must travel in small groups!!! Can’t wait to eat my way through the State Fair, play games, and then ride the Giant Ferris Wheel…..I’m a chicken shit for all the rest of those rides!!!