August 10, 2012

• I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A REPUBLICAN

  It’s true. Many of you know that I used to be a Republican, but like the Prodigal Son I went off and squandered my fortune on deeply shameful things like ObamaCare, Planned Parenthood, and National Public Radio. But as I sat there in a self-created pigsty of gay orgies and welfare vouchers, dressed only in a burned American Flag, I saw the light and have decided to return to the Grand Old Party. I can only pray that our Heavenly Father, Ronald Reagan, will have mercy on my reprobate soul and allow me back into the fold.  

  Before I make my plea before the golden throne of Bain Capital, I feel like I need to make certain that I fully understand the Republican Party Platform for 2012. I thought I would try and list the major points, and I invite any of my dear Republican friends to correct any misinterpretations, but only if you feel you will not become unclean by talking to me (I know those old-testament cleansing rituals can be a bitch!) So here goes:

  1. We think edukation is bad and makes pepul uppity. An ignernt Amerikun pepul is a controllable Amerikun pepul. 
  2. Every single person in America on Government assistance is there because they want to be and are too lazy to work. They could all go out and get jobs if they wanted to.
  3. There are no jobs in America and this is entirely Obama’s fault.
  4. At no time shall I attempt to reconcile points 2 and 3 because it will give me a headache. 
  5. All brown people either want to kill us, take our jobs, or steal our women. 
  6. There should be prayer in public schools but only if the prayer is offered by a decent, god fearing, anglo saxon, protestant (Catholic prayers may be acceptable after review.)
  7. Abstinence is the only acceptable type of sex education because everyone knows that teenagers will not have sex if you tell them not to. 
  8. The tax system should be structured to put more money in the pockets of rich people because if the last 20 years have taught us anything it’s that large corporations will always reinvest profits to create more jobs and would never think of pumping obscene amounts of money into management bonuses for people who already have seven figure incomes. 
  9. We’ve had so much fun in Iraq and Afghanistan that we should immediately invade Iran, because good things always come in threes. 
  10. We believe strongly in the sanctity of human life, and abortion, for any reason, should be outlawed.
  11. However, once the child is born, we are not interested in helping provide it with food, shelter, or an education because the child could go out and get a job if it only wanted too (see point #2.)
  12. We will become interested in this child again once it turns 18 and is eligible to go shoot brown people (see point #5.)
  13. The sanctity of human life does not apply to death row inmates with IQ’s of less than 70. 
  14. Every person in America should have their own rocket propelled grenade launcher, unless of course, that person is brown (see point #5 again.)
  15. We believe global warming is a hoax and our team of scientists currently sitting on the beach having a cold one on the North Pole can prove it. 
  16. Evolution is of the devil. People did not come from monkeys even if John Boehner does resemble a red faced baboon when he gets mad. 
  17. All gay people should be put in re-education camps and fed a diet consisting only of Chick-fil-a sandwiches until they go insane or repent 
  18. Finally, the concept of separation of church and state is a misunderstanding of the constitution. After all, control of the government by religious factions has worked so well for other countries like Iran and Iraq. 

  I think that about covers it unless I’ve forgotten something about how leash laws should apply to strapping your dog to the roof of your car.  

  I’m ready to go take my Republican test and get my voter card!

  Shit! I can’t find my ID! 

   

  • 12:05 pm
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