I’ve given up worrying about whether the media has a liberal bias or a conservative bias, I’m more worried that the media is collectively smoking crack. It seems that every headline I read warns of some imminent danger that will probably kill me and my loved ones; most likely by the end of the day.

I strongly believe that in every newspaper, radio, television, and website newsroom in America the following conversation (or something very close to it) takes place on a daily basis:

Editor: Hey Bob, read me the opening paragraph on the human interest story you’re working on.

Copywriter: Sure: “A first grader at Robert E. Lee Elementary School accidentally scuffed his chin today when he jumped off the Merry-Go-Round. His teacher, Miss Shelnick, quickly came to the rescue. She scooped the child in her arms, kissed his boo-boo, and made it all better.”

Editor: That’s not bad Bob, but could you punch it up a bit?

Copywriter: Sure boss. How about: “A first grader at Robert E. Lee Elementary school was nearly decapitated today by grossly neglected, and extremely dangerous playground equipment. Will your child live through recess? Read our investigative report to find out.”

Editor: Not bad, but if you could imply that the teacher could possibly be a registered sex offender and that’s why she kissed him, I think we’ll have a winner.

We’ve grown mostly desensitized to this type of sensationalism. That’s probably due to the ubiquitous “all hell’s about to break loose” weather forecast:

Tropical depression ‘Tootsie’ with rain fall of 1 1/2 inches and winds of up to 8 miles per hour has formed in the Atlantic Ocean approximately 500 miles from the nearest land mass. Unnamed experts predict that this will grow into a category 35 hurricane that could easily decimate the entire Atlantic Seaboard and eradicate all life as we know as far west as Kansas. We here at the Channel Five Weather Center promise to bring you 24/7 coverage of this breaking weather story even if we have to run archived hurricane footage dating all the way back to 1965 just to fill air time.

I understand that in a media soaked culture if a headline doesn’t pop it probably doesn’t get read which means the publisher can’t sell advertising. But as it is often said; “perception is reality” which would mean that if you can change perception you can change reality. If that is truly the case, the media should remember the immortal words of Tobey Mcguire playing Spiderman; “with great power comes great responsibility” (and Kirsten Dunst in a wet t-shirt, apparently). Therefore, I think it’s time for some “Sensationalism Accountability.” 

I think the need for this can be illustrated best by the media’s coverage of the current economic crises. During this recession I’ve become obsessed with following the stock market. This isn’t because my portfolio is so large that I need to consult with Warren Buffett on a daily basis, but simply because I would really like to retire prior to my 95th birthday.  Stocks have been on a multi-month rally as the recovery gets underway. Even with that type of positive news, every time the DOW dips by a couple of points the headlines on CNN all read that the recovery is hoax and that the market is about to suffer “an apocalyptic collapse of biblical proportion.”

I don’t know shit about the stock market but I can tell you this, if the DOW is up 100 points today it will most likely be down at least 80 points tomorrow. This is because people are cashing out their gains and does not mean that we all need to be poised on the window ledges of our office buildings.

Yes, this recession has been the worst since the great depression. and yes, the unemployment rate is near 10%. That is due primarily to greedy people doing incredibly greedy things, but I also have to wonder how much of it is actually driven by the media. I think some enterprising statistician from the Pew Research Center should conduct a study to see if there is a direct correlation between the publication of a sensationalized “doom and gloom” economic headline and layoffs. I’d bet you 10 shares of Microsoft that there is.

I’m not saying that we need to regulate the media. I’m a firm believer in the 1st amendment even if it does allow the Glenn Becks and Rush Limbaughs of the world to exist.  I would simply like to call on the media to demonstrate a little self restraint. If you’re like me you would like your news the way Walter Cronkite delivered it; without hyperbole and without sensationalism. When Walter said “and that’s the way it is” we all felt fairly certain that really was the way it was.

I think Joe Friday said it best:

Just the facts ma’am.

I try to attend the state fair every year. “Why would you purposely spend hard earned money to dive headlong into the shallowest part of the gene pool?” I hear you ask. There are several reasons:

First, there is no better place to witness the latest advancements in “food on a stick” technology.

Secondly, I like to stock up on “Sham WOW’s.”

Finally, I get to walk around the midway, look at the people, and wonder where they came from and what they do when they are not at the fair other than shop at Wal-Mart late at night.

I don’t go to the fair to ride the carnival rides because, frankly, if I wanted to spend money to make myself physically ill I would buy tickets to a Jonas Brothers concert. I also don’t go to the fair to see the livestock because I live in Oklahoma. If I want to see livestock I can go two blocks in any direction.

The main reason that I attend the fair is to conduct a little “contest” in my mind as I walk around the fairgrounds. Here are the categories and this year’s winners:

Food most likely to cause cardiac arrest simply by looking at it: There are several notables in this category. Fried chocolate cake on a stick was a good effort as was mashed potatoes on a stick (winner in the “food on a stick technology” category), but the winner this year goes to chocolate covered bacon. You have to give props to a food that can simultaneously clog your arteries and trigger a diabetic coma.

Most inappropriately dressed fat woman: I don’t know what it is about the state fair that makes 300 lb. women want to put on low cut jeans and a tube top with no bra but it draws them like ants to a dropped Twinkie.  If you fall into that demographic let me just say this: A “whale tail” is not attractive on any woman whose ass could be mistaken for an actual whale. This year the prize goes to the large 35 year old woman in the halter top which revealed the giant “Daddy’s Girl” tattoo. In light of the recent revelations by Mackenzie Philips, seeing this made me throw up my chocolate covered bacon in my mouth a little bit.

Most disturbing piercing:  Let me preface this category by saying large people in revealing clothing is not a female-specific transgression. In fact, men are probably much more likely to put on a stained Lynyrd Skynyrd tank top that fails to cover up their enormous beer gut by 8 inches and stand in front of the mirror before heading out to the fair and think “Damn, I’m a good looking man.” To the gentleman in the above mentioned attire with the pierced nipples who is this year’s winner, just let me say that the thought of what you do with those nipples is causing me to have nightmares and loose sleep.

I realize that I probably make Oklahoma sound like a state full of backward, inbred, mouth-breathing mutants, and I want you to know that I do that only because it’s true.

I’m kidding. Oklahoma is a great state with a healthy economy, cutting edge communications and aerospace technology, and some of the most brilliant people on the planet. I’m just not sure you could tell that by attending the fair.