March 6, 2006
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Help…I think I’m being sexually harassed
I work in an office with 26 men and two women. A few years back we had a rather matronly female receptionist who had definite territorial issues concerning her desk. Her desk was right up front next to several of the office machines and folks would sometimes sit stuff on her desk while they made a copy or sent a fax. Whenever this happened, her eyes would roll back in their sockets; her head would spin around 360 degrees, and in a voice straight out of the Exorcist she would demand that you take your crap off her desk or she would be forced to kill you with a staple remover. We had a young guy in his early 20’s working in the warehouse at the time who was into body building. One day he actually sat down on the edge of her desk while he was up front talking to a coworker. We all took a collective deep breath and waited for her to go postal on his ass. Instead, she reached out and pinched his ass and said “you can clutter up my desk with that anytime.”
He got a horrified look on his face and ran back into the warehouse screaming “I’ve been sexually harassed, I’ve been sexually harassed!!!” Of course we never let him live this down.
I think I actually am being sexually harassed.
It’s not coming from the desk Nazi, she’s been gone for years; it’s coming from the other salesmen, and oddly enough…my boss.
I’ve mentioned before that out of the 28 people in my office I am the only Democrat and, when pressed, I’ve made it clear that I support gay rights. I also spent many years involved in the
(Warning: the following paragraph is going to get VERY graphic…do not read it if you are easily offended)
Theses jokes have bothered me from time to time, but mostly I’ve laughed them off ever since they began. When the jokes turn gross I’ve often played into them just because I know I’m wittier than these clowns and that they can’t one-up me when it comes to being gross. For example the other day I was standing around with the guys and one of them asked if I was able to get my copy of the Brokeback Mountain DVD out of my player because he figured it was really sticky. I replied by ignoring the question and asking him if he had recently changed his diet. When he wanted to know why I was asking I replied; “because my dick smells funny.”
This morning during sales meeting I listened to about 10 jokes in a row about how disappointed I must be that
I didn’t say anything, but I went back to my office fuming. I thought about saying something to my boss, but he’s been telling the jokes along with them for years. I also thought that if I made a fuss about it that it would just get worse or the guys really would think I was gay. That’s when it hit me… I’ve heard about sexual harassment for years, and in at least a small way, this is how it must actually feel. What if I was actually gay? What if I was a woman who had to endure taunting or sexual aggressiveness? How much worse would I feel then? It would be horrible.
I certainly laughed when our receptionist made her remark to my coworker years ago, and I’m guilty of having made light of sexual harassment stories from time to time. I guarantee you I won’t ever make light of them again.
I still have no idea what to do…what do you think?
Comments (27)
Yeah, you are being sexually harassed. What to do about it I can’t tell you.
Sounds like sexual harrassment to me. When you guys have exchanged banter like you described, it makes it especially hard to say, “Enough, already.” Maybe they were just on a roll because of the whole Oscars/Brokeback Mountain thing and it will die down now. Maybe you should start documenting specific incidents in a log of some type with date and who was involved in or witnessed each occurrance. Then if it continues, you have some evidence.
Yup, that’s what it is. I had a boss for a while who just loved to tell fat jokes, especially jokes about fat women. He made comments like, “I can hardly stand to look at her now, she’s gained so much weight and she used to be so pretty.” Me, I was a fat woman and middle aged at that. I kept my mouth shut so that I could get my tenure, but all that frustration turned inside and made me sick. He was really just a rather mean person. I left for a much better situation, but in some ways I regret that I didn’t try to do something about it. I think that legally you have to say something bothers you before it becomes harassment, and of course, it all must be well documented. Best advice I can give, pray about it.
You know…I could postit note them.
I’m going to harass you for no longer leaving me comments. Boo.
Yes, it does sound like you are being harassed. I agree with toots and LIF1955, though. You should document it. Hopefully, it will die down, but you will be prepared if it does not.
Kathi
Don’t play along. Guy humor gets spread around. You are being harrassed.
Pay a visit to the HR department, ask for the written policy on sexual harrassment. Document everything. Union shop? File a grievance.
You have to start if you want it to stop.
Well, like most cases of sexual harrassment, there’s probably not a damn thing you can do about it.
This might be my sick mind at work, but I would hit on one or all of the guys in the office. It would scare them off (hopefully) and even if it didn’t, you would get a good laugh out of it. Unless they took it upon themselves to beat you up afterwards. That might not be so good.
Good luck. Be sure to tell us what happens.
I think it continues because the guy thinks you don’t mind. After all, you’ve been playing along all these years. My advice is to either politely and non-defensively tell him enough is enough… or keep one-upping him ’til one of you finds a new place to work.
Yes, I think it is sexual harassment. You might just say something about being tired of hearing the jokes. If they continue then you definitely know it’s harassment. Wordfaery had great advice about going to HR. Maybe have something posted in the office about sexual harassment. I know that I have worked and been around people who would just make it that much worse though. You always have great comebacks though….I wish I could be that quick with people! lol
This sounds a lot like a lesson I learned the hard way. For me, I found that my “innocent” joking about things Jesus wouldnt have joked about paved the way for the people around me to keep “One upping” for years untill our usual banter became explicit. No one set out to harass anyone but a little at a time we all just slowly took the low road till it brought us all to a place just like where you are now. I blame myself for not having taken the high road from the very beginning. Had I taken a stand when the conversation was much less invasive, I never would have put myself in a position of compromise….but what do you do once you find yourself there? What would Jesus do? Its hard to say what would work in your office without knowing the dynamic of people but for me I had to make a stand and announce my decision to revert to the place where I thought God would have wanted me all along. Turn and sin no more so to speak. I think if you do it in a way that is honoring to God he will fix the loose ends….but then, I think you already know that.
I feel bad for you! I agree with Bad_Dogma that since you’ve played along with it for years they probably think you don’t mind. But when it makes you uncomfortable it becomes harrassment. I think you need to document it and speak up about it. Good luck and keep us informed on what happens.
oooo, that’s a tough one, since guys can be so insensitive without knowing where to draw the line. I guess my only advice is not to laugh or smile, and to clearly communicate that you’ve had enough. If that doesn’t work, then take it a step further, to a higher authority. I wouldn’ t go pressing charges until they know that you clearly said to stop.
HELLO THIS IS CATBERT EVIL HR DIRECTOR… actually the behavior you explain is illegal if it is offensive but proving it is more difficult than we know! If you go to your boss you may be subjected to being pushed out and having to “prove” it… tell ya it’s a tough thing but it is harassing behavior…
my advice; if it’s really bad, go to HR if you have one… if not, live with it ~ I know it’s sucky advice but I see this day in and day out and the “majority” can make things look differnt to the EEOC or a Jury of your Peers than the reality you live.
Seriously Speaking
CB
I would have said…
HA! Brokeback Mountain isn’t out on DVD yet!
Then I’d make a pass at one of them.
Civil Rights Act of 1964, etc. http://www.nolo.com/article.cfm/objectID/0E020B2A-F7D9-40C2-AB52398DFAAFDC6F/104/150/175/ART/
Your office is an….interesting place. And you have a particular niche in that small office. They’re a mob of bigots, constantly pushing the line with their groupthink to “test” you. But you don’t want to give, to let them get to you.
You and I are both susceptible to the trap of passive-aggressivism. I’d wager that if the next time it gets out of control in a group setting you tore into one of them, not about how it makes you feel, but how petty, weak, and insignificant their little jabs make them look, it’d stop real fast.
“You know, guys, I can take all you want to dish out, but I want you to realize what it is you look like when you pile on with this stuff. You look like a bunch of middle school kids who’ve just learned what sex is and who can’t fathom anything more funny than combining “penis” jokes and “doodie” jokes in the same sentence. You might be the kings of your little playground here, but out there, in the world, you’re a bunch of bigots. Bigots who make the world a worse place to live in for anyone who’s not a middle-aged, middle-class, white “Christian.” I’m sure you’re just fine and dandy with that, living where you live and being who you are. But if you ever so much as experienced a lick of persecution you’d change your tune really damn quickly.
I’ll take all of your crap because I, a middle-aged, middle-class, white Christian, care about the lives of those people unlike myselves. But the next time you decide to make a crack (go ahead and snicker) about sexual orientation, take a good long look in the mirror and figure out why you’re making it. Think about why you’re so insecure that you have to target another group just to have something to joke about. Then think about how if I actually WERE gay, or anyone else in this office was, you’d have a law suit on your hands that could cripple the company. Now, get your hands out of your pants and lets get back to work.”
Jordan…that was GREAT!…I’m going to memorize it word for word.
Oh wow. Your son is brilliant… absolutely brilliant.
Yup. That was truly inspired.
Welcome to the world that most women in the office experience. I agree with Jordan…he is so witty. You will have to get bold or put up with it. I prefer to deal with a situation upfront before involving HR…Going to HR looks bad on both parties and should be used as a last result.
However, be sure to give much warning…ie…tell them “enough is enough guys…you made your point, showed your manhood, whateva…now stop it.”
I once had a boss that let all the vendors come in and harrass me with sexual comments. Finally I picked up the phone and I called the bosses wife and I told her what her husband was doing and how I was offended and could she please speak with him to get a handle on it. (My boss was the owner of the company). It was nipped right away.
Recently at work one of the new young interns was watching me as I was showing him how to digitize a map and he looked at me and said…”you know any willing REDHEADS…I seem to have a thing for them. I looked at him and said…”Might I suggest some of the new YOUNG interns on the other side of the building more your age…I think I saw a pretty redhead.”
I think the thing I’ve learned over the years in the office is…you either tell them up front that enough is enough and if it doesn’t stop then you go to HR…otherwise you deal with it your own way. It gets old….but eventually it stops.
In the meantime if you dont like that talk in the office you have to make sure that you yourself make no sexual refernces about anything. There are lots of folks out there that do not know how to stop after a funny comment is made.
Good Luck…I’m interested in reading a follow up.
The problem with Jordan’s idea is that the group of people you work with are mouth breathing, just crawled out of the primordial ooze, ass scratchers. I don’t know if you could express yourself monosylabically enough for them to understand you. What you need to do is, request information from the gay coalition in one of your coworkers names and have it mailed to your office. If someone leaves their computer unlocked, email a love note to your boss, put up a brokeback mountain wallpaper, do a search on rim jobs, the possibilities are endless. Hide mayonaise in their desk and a few weeks from now when it starts to smell, make a crack about their feminine hygeine products not working anymore. If they have pictures of their kids or their wife on their desk (this is really low, even for me, but when you start making fun of someones family they usually get the point) add some creative word baloons, devil horns, etc. Put some lotion in condoms and put them in their trashcans, chairs,on their keyboard…for an added effect smear a little chocolate around the tip. If the covert stuff is a little too low class for you, then everytime they say something to you say “your wife doesn’t mind”. And then say “OOOHHHH”. And run around the room getting high fives from the creatons. If that doesn’t work, pay a homeless guy 50 bucks to hit them with a chain and then molest them. Be sure and take pictures so you can blackmail them and get your 50 bucks back.
http://www.funnypracticaljokes.com/practical-jokes/gay-prank.php
I just found this. Great stuff.
My husband is in upper management where he works and I asked him about it. He said that since you did play along for so long it might be hard to claim harrassment. His advice is to talk to them. Tell them that you love a good joke as much as the next guy, but it has gotten out of hand and you feel harrassed by it, etc. After they are aware of how you feel if they continue you would have to document it and go to management.
I think your son is one very smart young man!…but look who he had as a Dad!…I do think that you need to document these things, not in an angry way, but simply stating the facts….that way you have something in writing in case things don’t stop.
This brings to mind one of my favorite nursing school stories…one of our nursing professors was at the hospital making assignments for us, telling us which patients we would take care of that shift, when a very old doctor, walked by and patted her on the head and said very loudy….”now nursie, you know darn well that all they need to know is how to empty the bed pan and smile sweetly and they’ll do just fine”….She smacked his arm away from her head and said
“Thats DOCTOR Nursie to you, and these young women need to learn a hell of a lot more if they are going to keep your sorry ass from getting sued for malpractice!”…to this day she remains my very favorite professor!
I made the mistake a while ago of letting it slip at work that I Jell-O wrestled once. It wasn’t a big deal to me and I didn’t realize that people would react in the way that they did. I still get crap for it, and as bad as it sounds, it doesn’t bother me from everybody, just from some of my coworkers. Mostly from a couple of the more middle-aged guys who are in management-esque positions. They’re kinda creepy old guys sometimes. It’s nothing too bad, but it still kinda makes me feel ewwy. Anyway, that being said, I don’t really know what to tell you to do except perhaps you could find a prosthetic hand to have permanently posed with the middle finger extended that you could just carry around with you with which you could respond. I don’t think they’ll understand much else.
Well being a democrat myself and having a lot of gay friends (BTW I have met more gay clients in Corporate America that have become friends than I ever did in the theater!) I think you shouldn’t ignore it. Even if it is the boss that participates and maybe especially because he is a part of this. Yeah, you might get more thoughts that he “doth protest too loudly” but at this point it is a matter of principle. People are so short sighted. I’m all about highlighting the fact that our sexuality is not what defines us. There’s my two cents….for what it’s worth…which should at least be two cents.