RANDOM STUFF

 

…I’m leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again

 

I have to fly to Phoenix next week and to Washington D.C the week after that and I understand that security is going to be tight. According to a buddy of mine that works for TSA, they have been confiscating a large number of “marital aids” lately and some of them appear to actually be gasoline powered. My question is: why would someone take one of these devices on a plane in their carry-on? Are they planning on using them if they get bored on the flight?

 

(He also mentioned that some of these devices are incredibly complex. Wouldn’t having to read the owners manual take all of the romance out of the experience?)

 

…here comes the sun, little darling, here comes the sun, it’s alright

 

According the weather man the temperature reached 111 degrees here yesterday. I let the cat out after work and it immediately burst into flames. I’m only sorry I hadn’t thought of doing this earlier. 

 

…that ain’t the way to have fun, no, that ain’t the way to have fun son

 

A friend of mine was talking recently about how rock and roll music isn’t afraid to tackle tough issues. As an example he said there was famous rock song from the 70’s about incest. Unable to think of a song from that era that broached that particular topic, I asked him what song he was referring too.  He looked at me incredulously and said “Duh….Three Dog Night’s Mama Told Me Not to Come”   I think my friend needs some serious professional help.

 

 

…in the year 2525, if man is still alive, if woman can survive, they may find

 

This same friend is a graphic artist and yesterday he sent me the following picture that he had created. Perhaps he’s mentally competent after all.

 

 

…I said I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes, I do.

 

Since Jamie has been with us I’ve been listening to a lot of speed metal at dangerously high decibel levels when we’re driving around town. I remember when I was a teenager and my father came into my room once while I was listening to Iron Butterfly. He told me that my music was “crap.”  I remember thinking that when I had kids I would never feel that way and that I would whole-heartedly embrace whatever kind of music they listened too. I didn’t have a clue at that time that I’d be driving around town someday listening to speed metal at dangerously high decibel levels.

 

I have become my father…I think I’ll go outside and spontaneously combust like the cat.

WARNING: I’M ON MY SOAP BOX AGAIN

 

I listen to three different radio stations. The first is NPR. The second is the “classic” rock station (which has recently started playing crap I’m too old to be familiar with). And finally, I occasionally listen to KXOJ, the contemporary Christian music station in Tulsa. I happen to really like contemporary Christian music and their DJ’s are “Christian” without being “Obnoxious.”

 

On my way home this afternoon I was listening to them talk about a review of the movie “World Trade Center” in Christianity Today. The DJ talking about the review said something very interesting. He said that Christianity Today noted that the movie had a “high degree of Christian content”. As an example of this content the review stated that there was a scene in which a former Marine put his old fatigues back on and went to the bombing site.

 

Hold the phone…why would a scene about an ex Marine putting on fatigues be considered “Christian content?”  I’ve known some ex Marines who were outstanding examples of the Christian faith but I’ve also know some ex Marines who could cuss, drink, womanize, lie, cheat, and steal most of us under the table.  “Marine” has nothing to do with “Christian.”

 

I can tell you exactly why Christianity Today called a scene about a Marine “Christian content.”  In today’s culture, evangelical Christianity has become inexorably tied to conservative politics and to the military in particular.  

 

To many people, being a “Christian” means that you are a card carrying, abortion opposing, flag-burning amendment pushing, war-rallying Republican. In fact, I bet there will be several people who read this and say, “of course that’s what it means.” Those would be the same people who would echo the words of my pastor many years ago who made the following comment when I registered as a Democrat: “Mark, it is completely impossible to be a Christian and be a Democrat.”  I made the observation in an earlier post that this statement does prove that it is not impossible to be a pastor and be clinically brain dead.

 

I happen to think that Jesus was the ultimate liberal, and perhaps someday in another entry I’ll explain why. I also happen to know that there are many people who are becoming fed up with evangelical Christianity’s ties to conservative politics. I ran across a New York Times article recently about a very courageous pastor who is bucking this trend and the impact this has had on his church. The article in entitled: Disowning Conservative Politics, Evangelical Pastor Rattles Flock  (The New York Times link is now dead, so I’ve pasted the text of the article into an old post – I encourage you to read it. It’s a facinating article)

 

I applaud this pastor and his efforts to keep the church separate from the state. The church is about things so much more important than politics. So what do you think? Would Jesus have voted for George Bush? 

ACCORDING TO OUR PRESIDENT, THE JURY IS “STILL OUT” ON GLOBAL WARMING

 

Our local weather guys have been quite pleased to report this weekend that a cold front has moved through and cooled us down a few degrees.

 

Here’s a photo of the speedometer in my car this afternoon. Notice the outside air temperature reading:

 

 

I’ve got a chill…where’s my parka???

MEL SHOWS HIS TRUE COLORS

 

 

Mad Max is beyond more than just the Thunderdome these days; he’s beyond belief.  His recent remarks during his DUI arrest which included comments about f*^ki*g Jews, and the zinger; “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world”, seems to put an end to the debate over whether there was any anti-Semitic motivation behind his movie “The Passion of the Christ.”  

 

I remember Gibson’s father being interviewed when the movie was released and hearing him make the comment that the holocaust was mostly “fiction.” I guess the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. In fact, Mel once said that it was possible that his wife was going to go to hell because she was Episcopalian.  Gibson has stated in the past that his belief system comes out of his devotion to his traditional Catholic faith. I don’t think the Catholic faith has anything to do with it; I just think Mel is a freaking bigot.

 

I’m not letting organized religion off the hook, however. I don’t think it’s inappropriate or inaccurate to say that much of the bigotry in the world today is the result of organized religion.  And I’m certainly not singling out Catholicism. I think all organized religion is to blame.  In fact, I’ll be happy to put my Southern Baptist roots right up there with the greatest offenders.

 

Please understand that I’m not talking about personal faith, I’m talking about religion. I wrote this in a blog about a year ago: “I think what has finally dawned on me is that there is a difference between faith and religion. I still want to be a person of faith, but I no longer want to be religious. Faith embraces tolerance. Religion abhors it. Faith can acknowledge theological differences. Religion labels people as heretics and infidels. Faith embraces life, while throughout history; more people have been killed in the name of religion than for any other reason.”  I felt that way a year ago, and when I hear asinine comments like those Mr. Gibson made, I feel it even more strongly today.

 

In fact, for a person who is a Bible College and Seminary graduate, who is ordained and serves part time on a church staff, I may have come to despise organized religion more than anyone on the planet, more than even my hero George Carlin who said this:

 

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!

 

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

 

But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

 

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would’ve been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say “this guy”, because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.

 

No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn’t give a shit. 

 

It’s easy for those of us who have a strong personal faith to say “George, you just don’t understand the way it works. You don’t understand God’s love.” 

 

I’m here to tell you, when “Christians” like Mel make front page news, I completely understand where George is coming from.

S.O.S. FROM MIDWAY AIRPORT

 

I’m writing this while sitting on the floor in line “C” at gate B3 in the Southwest Airlines terminal at Midway Airport in Chicago. They just told us that there is a tornado watch and that everything is grounded. This means that I’m going to spend at least the next several hours trying to look away from the pink and green thong sticking out of the back of the pants of the 300 lb woman with the halter top and bright pink hair who is seated directly in front of me.

 

To everyone who has told me how much they envy the fact that I get to travel so much, I would clean out all my bank accounts and gladly turn it over to you if you would please come and take my place right now.

 

 

The current view from my seat

At least I see a convenient spot to store my pencil

Edit: After six hours of being exposed to extreeme butt cleavage, our plane finally took off. I arrived in St. Louis at about 1:30 in the morning, having missed my connecting flight to Tulsa by about 4 hours. The airline wouldn’t pay for a hotel room because the delay was weather related, but they did give me a telephone number to call to get a reduced rate on a room. I called that number and they told me they were sold out of all hotel rooms in St. Louis and suggested I go to the courtesy phone bank and start calling hotels on my own. After about 170 phone calls I finally found a vacancy at a Days Inn, where they charged me $110.00 for a room I’m pretty sure was being rented by the hour shortly before I arrived. I made it home about noon today and kissed the pavement. Unfortunately, I burned my lips because it’s still 103 freaking degrees here. Damn, it’s good to be home!

ESTROGEN – THE ULTIMATE WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION

 

Fifteen years ago I did a three year tour of duty as a house parent in a home for young ladies who had found themselves “in the family way.” I have the odd distinction of being able to say that I’ve lived with 76 pregnant women in my life time. If it seems strange that I refer to that period of my life in the same manner a returning soldier might refer to their time in Iraq, it’s only because my son and I learned survival skills during that time that no Marine ever learns in boot camp. I realize that soldiers today face the threat of biological weapons. While that is a truly frightening prospect, I contend that the extremely high concentrations of estrogen I was exposed too during that period have the potential to be just as lethal.

 

I could tell you stories about what it’s like to be the only adult male in a house full of pregnant teenagers, but I don’t want to give you nightmares. Besides, it might trigger a flashback and I’m all out of my Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder meds.

 

Shortly after moving out of the “home” my son and I entered into an existence of blissful “guydom.” It was just the two of us living together doing guy things like eating Ding Dongs for dinner, playing “Doom” on the computer until 4:00 a.m., and passing copious amounts of gas. I truly believed my estrogen-intensive days were over.

 

That’s all changed now.

 

This weekend my step daughter Chase came home for a visit. Her best friend, Dustina, also spent most of the weekend with us. Dustina thinks she is our daughter as well. Even though Chase moved away two years ago, Dustina still routinely walks into our home unannounced, goes straight to the refrigerator to get something to eat, and plops down at the computer to do homework.  We’ve gotten to the point that we hardly notice this anymore.  When you place Chase and Dustina along side Jamie and my wife, our house suddenly seems very small and I find that I’m suddenly back to living in an estrogen-intensive environment. Thank God none of them are pregnant.

 

I’m not really complaining. It’s actually nice to be surrounded by four beautiful women. And none of them were trying to kill me the way they often were at the Children’s home, so that’s a nice bonus as well.

 

Even though I’m a decorated veteran of the gender wars, I’m still completely baffled by some female behaviors.

 

The five of us were getting ready to go out to a Theater Tulsa production Saturday evening when Chase, Dustina, and my wife suddenly decided to play “dress up” with Jamie. They approached this endeavor with the manic glee of a bi-polar meth addict on a Starbuck’s double espresso binge. 200 clothes, make up, and jewelry changes later we were finally ready to leave. Guys NEVER play dress up with each other. If a group of guys were getting ready to attend a formal dinner at the White House and one of them mistakenly put their underwear on over the top of their tuxedo trousers, I guarantee none of the others would say a word to him.

 

I also never cease to be amazed at the sheer number of words that can be produced when a group of women get together. If they are all talking at once, how can they understand each other? A perfect case in point: I’m writing this on flight from Tulsa to Chicago and there are three women seated in the row behind me on their way to a convention. We are about an hour into the flight and the flight attendant just came by to manually lower the oxygen masks in their row because they haven’t shut up long enough to catch a breath and they were complaining of being light headed. A group of guys can go fishing together and spend a 12 hour day saying nothing to each other besides “pass me a beer” and reflect back on the day as a time of rich bonding and meaningful communication.

 

Well, I guess I’d better put my laptop away before I use it to beat the women behind me to death. I should probably refrain from that because the beating might release estrogen into the cabin and I wouldn’t want to be guilty of endangering the other passengers.

 

(To my female readers…this was written with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. Please don’t send a suicide bomber packing an estrogen based IED my way.)

Tulsa, Oklahoma

106°F at 4:42 p.m.

  Heat Index – 113°F 

 

I’m Melting!!!

THESE WERE JUST TOO GOOD NOT TO POST

OUR LEADERS IN DRAG

THE INVISIBLE MAN

 

I have lots of experience hanging out with a teenage boy; I hung out with my son all his life. I have very limited experience, however, hanging out with a teenage girl (two weeks now).  I can point to one very significant difference:

 

I’m getting much better service in restaurants, convenience stores, and gas stations.

 

Being a nondescript middle aged man, I’m used to being invisible. We are a cheap commodity like white bread or soy beans…marginally useful, but not very interesting. As customers, we are just another face; a person to be dealt with, and more likely than not, we’re prone to be jerks. Therefore, I’m used to dealing with clerks who mumble and never bother to even look me in the face. That’s all changed now.

 

An incident that occurred yesterday afternoon is a perfect example. I picked up our foster daughter Jamie after summer school and we stopped at a convenience store for gas and something to drink.  The young man behind the counter looked up at me as I walked into the store but did not acknowledge my existence. Just as he was looking back down, however, he caught sight of Jamie’s 5’ 8” 110 lb frame, encased in tight jeans and a tank top, and his demeanor radically changed.  Suddenly it was; “Hello! How are you guys today? Is there anything I can help you find?” He was talking in my direction, but his eyes never left Jamie. He cheerfully rang up our purchase, and invited us to come back “really soon!”  

 

Annoying little prick…

 

The same scenario repeated itself virtually verbatim when we stopped at a fast food establishment for a snack later in the evening. Jamie wanted a frosty, but the frosty machine was broken. The young man behind the counter almost hurt himself apologizing to Jamie for the horrible inconvenience.  If I had ordered the frosty, it would have been “you’re shit out of luck, mister.”

 

There is only one convenience store clerk that ever flirts with me. It’s the 400 lb, tattoo covered, Indian woman who works at the EZ Mart down the street from where I live. She always calls me “sweetheart” or “honey” when she rings up my purchase. But then again, she calls everybody “sweetheart” or “honey” when she rings up their purchase.

 

If I had known I would receive service this much better with a cute teenaged girl in tow, I would have hired one a long time ago.

 

I’m also finding that I’m uncomfortable with any male attention that Jamie gets that I perceive as being even slightly testosterone based. Therefore, Jamie, if you’re reading this, I have no choice but to wrap you in electric fencing until you graduate from High School. I know it seems a little extreme, but it’s for your own good.

SNAKE OIL

 

 

Step right up! Don’t be shy!

 

Friends…let me ask you a question. Are you a bed wetter? Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? Or, as we say here in the heartland of America, are you just ate up with stupid? Well, I’ve got the answer. Just a single tablespoon of my magical snake oil elixir will dry up you and your mattress, give you a world class stiffie, and add 20 points to your I.Q. (giving you a total of 80).  You can’t buy my product in stores (due to those pesky FDA regulations) but you can buy it online. This product regularly sells for over a quarter of a million dollars, but it’s yours today for only $9.95 (plus $100.00 shipping and handling). If you act quickly, I’ll throw in a set of Ginzu steak knives, and a free Flowbee!  All of your problems can magically go away. Why wait? Act today!

 

 

A radio spot I heard today promising “immediate results” reminded me of one of my biggest pet peeves…our national obsession with the “quick fix.” We want to solve every problem in our lives with a magic pill that works immediately and requires absolutely no effort. Two minutes of Google searching yielded the following internet claims:

 

“If you feel that changing your diet and exercising just isn’t for you, you are not alone. Lose up to 20 lbs in 30 days or it’s free! Its doctor recommended! It’s guaranteed!”

 

“You can change your spouse and have a better marriage in just ten minutes…learn how.”

 

“Earn a recognized degree based on life experience from Belford University in only seven days!”

 

Don’t get me wrong. I like microwave ovens, high-speed internet, and the commuter lane on the expressway as much as the next guy, but why is quicker always better?

 

“Quicker” has spawned a generation of young adults swimming in debt because they can’t wait a few years for the big house and the fancy car. “Quicker” has presaged a million divorces because working out your problems and growing as a couple takes too much damn time and effort. “Quicker” has started hundreds of wars because loading a gun or dropping a bomb is so much less time consuming than diplomacy.  We live in a world of Snake Oil cures, Snake Oil philosophies, and Snake Oil politics.

 

Belief in Snake Oil makes us think that our lives will only be complete once we have a certain “thing” or solve a certain “problem”; and if we can do it quickly and with no effort, why not?  The problem with that kind of thinking is that it causes us to live in a future that never comes and in doing so; we miss the “now”. And, in truth, the “now” is all we really have.

 

I know of what I speak because I’m often guilty of looking for the quick fix, or for instant gratification. I’m determined, however, to take pride in the work it takes to accomplish a goal, to live in the present, and to always enjoy the “process.”  I’m determined to change, and, by God, I want to change RIGHT FRIGGIN NOW!!!