December 7, 2007

• HO, HO, HO AND MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS

   

  I’m typically a happy-go-lucky kind of guy. I always try to see the best in every situation and in every person. However, the last 6 to 8 months have been so stressful at work (hence two to three months between posts), and I’ve dealt with such an amazing amount of “caca de bovine” from so many people lately, that my outlook is beginning to subtlety change. So during this wonderful holiday season of merriment and peace and good will towards mankind I’ve determined that I pretty much despise all of humanity.

   

  In honor of the fact that Letterman is in reruns until the end of the writer’s strike, and the fact that I just scored third-row tickets to see George Carlin next month, I would like to offer a top-ten list of people who are currently pissing me off.

   

  10.       People who don’t pay attention to where they are going while they are shopping.

   

  One of my favorite columnists was Mike Royko of the Chicago Tribune. He once defined a “jerk” as someone who barged onto an elevator before they looked to see if anyone on the elevator wanted to get off. I want to amend this to include people who barge out into the aisle at Wal-Mart before they look to see if anyone else is coming. If you hit me with your shopping cart one more time I swear I’m going to insert that cart firmly up your ass right next to your head, which is obviously already there.

   

  9.         People who refer to the “Good old days” (typically in order to sell you something.)

   

  This applies both to advertisers and politicians. If you want to go back to a time when indoor plumbing was optional and polio was still crippling people just because you think those times were simpler and people had better values, I hope you find a time machine to take you there. Personally, I like being able to watch TV on my IPOD and order little blue pills off the internet; thank you very much. “The good old days” is a myth. June and Ward Cleaver didn’t actually live in the 1950’s but Joseph McCarthy did.

   

  8.         People who simultaneously talk on their cell phone, eat a sandwich, discipline their children, and do a Sudoku puzzle, all while changing lanes at 80 mph.

   

  If you want to die in your car, I think that’s just peachy. Park in your garage, run a hose from your exhaust pipe into your window, and take a nice long nap. That way you won’t take any of the rest of us out when you go.

   

  7.         People who constantly say “Everything happens for a reason.”

   

  If this is what you need to tell yourself to feel all warm and cuddly in a cold and scary world, more power to you, but think through the logic on this one. The statement assumes there is a higher power. I happen to believe in a higher power, but if your higher power caused Katrina, the genocide in Darfur, and made you lose your car keys this morning, all to accomplish some unforeseeable greater plan that we are incapable of understanding; then your higher power is one sick, twisted puppy. Shit happens. Get used to it.

   

  6.         People who still have a “W ‘04” bumper sticker on their car.

   

  I think this is self explanatory.

   

  5.         People who say “like” more than twelve times in a single sentence.

   

  Also self explanatory.

   

  4.         People who think there is a “War on Christmas.”

   

  There may be a few people who are offended by the holiday, but so far I haven’t seen any land mines placed outside the mall in order to keep you away from the ugly Christmas sweaters. Too many people make too much money from Christmas for there to be an actual war against it. Let’s reserve the word “war” for people who are dying a very long way away from home. 

   

  3.         People who whine.

   

  “Isn’t that what you’re doing right now?” I hear you ask. Absolutely; I never said my current hatred of humanity did not include some healthy self loathing.

   

  2.         People who say anything other than “fine” when I ask them how they are.

   

  I didn’t really want to know how you are, I was just being polite. This is a time honored meaningless social exchange, please observe it correctly.

   

  1.         People currently running for President.

   

  I hate ALL of you.

   

  Well, I hope that was as therapeutic for you as it was for me.

   

  Merry Christmas.

  • 5:09 pm
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