November 28, 2006
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The Grand Social Experiment
THE GRAND SOCIAL EXPERIMENT
Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement after my little spill. I appreciate the fact that no one came right out and said that I was a complete-friggin-idiot for attempting to carry a power-washer up an extension ladder, even though I know you were thinking it. That was very PC of all of you.
There seems to be a little medical disagreement over my injuries. The after-hours clinic doc said my ankle/foot was not broken. My primary care doc thinks the after-hours clinic doc has been partaking from the drug-samples cabinet and that I have stress fractures. Apparently the x-rays are hard to read because of the swelling. I’m supposed to wait 2 weeks for the swelling to go down and then they will do an MRI. In the mean time I get to wear a cool looking moon-boot and watch my toes turn black.
Speaking of things turning black, my left ass cheek looks very similar to Gorbachev’s forehead. I’d post pictures, but I don’t want to break my new camera.
I’m attempting to learn how to get around on crutches. I’ve never used crutches before and I have already determined they are a tool of Satan. My armpits hurt much worse than my ankle does (but my ankle probably smells worse than my armpits, so it’s kind of a trade-off.)
Moving around on crutches has given me an opportunity to observe human behavior in a new light…mostly asshole human behavior, but human behavior none the less.
My wife and I went to go see “Happy Feet” at the IMAX on Sunday (which is an interesting movie by the way. Be sure to check out Bad Dogma’s take on the movie. I agree with his assessment). There were two ladies there together in line in front of us with about eight little kids in tow. The kids bumped into me repeatedly without a word from either lady. When we got up to leave when the movie was over, the kids crowded in front of me so they wouldn’t have to wait on me; again without a word from their adult escorts. There was also the guy at the convenience store this morning. He was waiting to pull in next to me and he HAD to see me struggling to get the crutches out of the back seat so that I could get out of my car. He pulled in next to me with less than a foot between my car and the passenger door of his pickup truck so that I had to squeeze out of the car while attempting to navigate the crutches. He watched me do this and then walked into the store ahead of me and let the door slam in my face.
Assholes.
On the other side of the coin, there was a guy who saw me get out of my car at another convenience store and not only opened the door for me, but walked around the store with me, picked up the items I needed, took them to the counter, and then helped me back out to my car with them.
THAT’S a nice guy!
My theory is that innate behavior probably doesn’t change when someone is confronted with a “disabled” person. Assholes continue to be assholes and decent people continue to be decent people. I wish there was a way for me to test this but I have no way of knowing if the people I encounter are assholes or decent people before I encounter them. Regardless, I’m going to enjoy watching people’s behavior.
There is one thing I do know…if I ever see those little kids from the movie theater again I’m going to trip them and then beat them with my crutches.
Comments (27)
You crack me up. But please, no ass photos. My neighbor was out this morning hanging lights and I’ve seen too much ass already today.
And I agree with you on assholes being assholes regardless of the situations they find themselves in.
Having broken my own foot this summer doing an equally (ahem) silly thing, I can SO relate. Darn things take for-freaking-EVER to heal, too. I’d love to be there when you catch those kids and pummel them with your crutches. And you’re right, the armpits do suffer. Hang in there! ~ Paloma
I’m a little concerned about that nice guy that carried your Twinkies, Hohos, and beer to the counter for ya.
Tell the truth… He pinched your ass as he helped you back into your car, didn’t he?
ps. I’m pretty sure your armpits are not supposed to be resting on the crutches while you’re walking.
Stand up straight!
I think you’re right. Assholes don’t change because they see someone who needs help. They’re still assholes. And nice people will be nice in any situation. As for the kids, I beat the moms over the head with your crutches. Obviously they didn’t teach their kids any manners. Hope you feel better soon!
I encounter these “assholes” on a daily basis, given that I am a nurse who has to meet up with patients at their doctor’s office. MOST of my patients are either in crutches, canes, walkers or wheelchairs….I cannot tell you the times that I have been wating for an elevator with a patient in a wheelchair, in which we were the first people there waiting, only to have others shove past us into the elevator and fill it so that my patient and I are unable to get in….seriously….I am always surprised when this happen, and I ALWAYS inform the elevator full of people just as the door closes that I hope some day when THEY are in a wheelchair that someone will be kinder to them then they have been to my patient….most of the time this is met with silence, but there has been the occational times that it has been met with a “F–k You!” from one of the people in the elevator car…seriously!…I worry about such a self centered society.
I believe you’re right when you say that people are who they inherently are—whether meeting up with someone on crutches or not. And there are nice people and not-so-nice people. And I believe that the nice folks outnumber the others. Maybe not 2-to-1, but at least 1.0273-to-1.
I love this post! I hope you post again on your take of how people treat someone who is disabled. Tell us some more of your experiences. It’s something we don’t fully understand until we are in that position….a position most of us never want to be in. You can raise our awareness and your posts will encourage us to be more helpful to others. I always try to be that way…and I will think of you on your crutches next time I help somebody.
I know this was a fairly serious post…but you always say stuff that cracks me up! Even with a “busted” ankle, a black ass, sore arm pits, and black toes, you “STILL GOT IT”! YOU’RE STILL FUNNY! Teehee! Thanks for making me laugh.
i want to be there when you begin pummeling people w/your crutches.
I didnt have any problems like that last year when I was on crutches, but if you wanna beat somebody beat the mommies, they are the ones being neglectful by not teaching their children better, matter of fact, Id be happy to come help ya with that chore…. on the other hand I have noticed that the older I get the less often I am able to get out of traffic tickets just by asking….I think the two are related somehow.
Crutches 101: Put the majority of your weight on your forearms and hands and not on your armpits. Otherwise you can end up with serious nerve damage in your arms. (I’m not joking.) It takes some practice. (It sounds like you’ll have plenty of time for that.) You have to learn to swing your body forward with the weight on your hands….sort of like swinging yourself on the parallel bars in junior high school. (You do remember junior high school, don’t you?)
If the crutches reach your armpits in a straight standing position, they are sized incorrectly and need to be adjusted…..you should have to slouch or scrunch in order to rest your armpits on the tops of them. You should only use your pits to stabilize the crutches from slipping out from under you, by gripping the crutch between your arm and body. If the heels of your hands start to get really sore, you’ll know you’re using them correctly. You’ll thank me for this advice someday. I’ve had LOTS of practice. Heal soon.
Here’s another bit of free advice….assholes are fun to trip with your crutches. (“heheh….Oops, sorry….I’m still a novice on these things….I’d offer to help you up….but as you might not have noticed…. I’m on crutches…..“)
xoxoxo
So sorry to hear about your accident…I am just now catching up!
Crutches are no fun…I only tried them myself for the first time about 2 yrs. ago…I have stairs in my house & I found the easiest way was to ditch the crutches & scoot up & down the stairs! lol..yeah, not a pretty site…kind of like what your butt looks like right now! It’s ashame that nobody seems to be able to figure out exactly what is wrong with your foot. Good luck on that in 2 weeks.
I think I agree with your theory…assholes will just be assholes & nice guys will be nice & sometimes be an asshole!
take care & stay away from ladders in the future!
Gorbachev’s forehead on your ass ? I see big bucks in your eBay future !!
Hope you’re getting around better by the time you read this. As an “Express Care” nurse of the past, I can tell you that if your armpits are hurting, you’re either using the crutches wrong or they’re too high. You should have 3 fingers width between your axilla (armpit) and the top of the crutches. You should be putting most of your weight on your hands that are gripping the crutches, not leaning into them and swinging by your pits. Poor guy! Also, baby powder under your arms will reduce the chafing! good luck!
ryc: The pilgrimage part wouldn’t be so bad (you could charge admission), but when they all hold their rosaries up to your ass waiting for them to turn to gold… well, that might be a bit much.
This begs the question: why are you making so many trips to convenience stores? One does not find the world’s most compassionate humans at a convenience store. One finds assholes hopped up on Twinkies and cheap beer.
Seriously, I think people are less polite than they used to be. When I was pregnant with my first kid, everyone was super nice–holding doors, etc. Just a few years later, when I was pregnant with #2, I seemed to find jerks everywhere. They jumped ahead of me in the grocery line and let doors slam on me when I was waddling around with a belly even bigger than that of a convenience store dwelling beer guzzler.
I for one would love to see ass photos, mainly because here at my office we compete to find the funniest pictures online. I think an ass pic would be a great contender, especially since there is a story to back it up.
Also I really think you should consider tripping the two ladies who were with the kids. I actually thought about doing that yesterday to a lady at the grocery store who would not control her children. How can we expect kids to have manners if their parents never make them mind?
I hope you’re back on your feet (painlessly) soon!
RYC: The crazy part to me is that a couple of my great nieces and nephews are getting old enough to start getting married and having babies! I’m too young for great-aunt jazz as it is! LOL! But once they start having babies our family population will really explode (like it’s not big enough now!) Right now we’re averaging 3 new babies a year. I blame it all on my husband’s family’s country hick background that they don’t know enough to stop reproducing! Haha!
I volunteer to video as you beat those heathen with your crutches! That way you don’t have to rely on your memory; you can just pop the videotape in and enjoy it for years to come. I’ve been away and missed the original post about your spill. It’s probably a good thing because I’d have been the one that pointed out how…hmm..how do I put this?…short-sighted it was to climb a ladder carrying a pressure washer. Sheez. Men!
Seriously though, I hope you’re back up and at ‘em soon.
To me.. you don’t look a day over 30.. “”"scouts honor”"”
RYC: Glad you like the names of my characters. It comes from growing up the only WASP in my ‘hood. These are my homey’s handles. I hope they aren’t ticked if they ever google themselves (which, I just noticed, sounds vaguely prnographic) and see this blog. Thanks for stopping by. Hope your pits are healing.
Aw c’mon… you must know SOME assholes on whom you can test your theory.
And crutches or no, I hate people who park too close to my car.
I’ve been on crutches before. I had similar experiences with doors slamming in my face. At the grocery store, I was driving around in one of those little carts. Everyone looked at me with scorn thinking I was too lazy to walk, then examined my feet for “damage” to justify my being there. It was amazing how many would step in my way like the brakes on that thing were spot on. The other annoying part was when I was reaching “up” for something and somebody would jump in front and block my reach. Amazing.
I got a good understanding of what its like to be disabled. Yet, at the same time, there are more parking spots for disabled than than there are disabled to fill those spots.
As someone who spent quite a bit of time on crutches in high school (marching band injury), I can sympathize with your plight. My best friend was my elevator key. Well, the elevator key and the many people who got out of class early with me to carry my books
Anyway, don’t put so much pressure on your armpits, push up with your hands. It’s a great workout for your abs. Trust me.
When I had crutches, I was using them correctly, but they still rubbed the sides of my ribcage, which was way uncomfortable. Then this nice little old lady at the hospital saw my crutches and gave me a set of purple, knitted, crutch covers. They are amazing, and for some reason, make using the crutches so much more comfortable. I have no idea if they are commercially available, or if they come only from sweet grandmother-type candy stripers.
Comment #2 to say: They are called “crutch cozies” and are mass-produced! http://www.crutchcozies.com/home.php
You are a complete idiot for attempting to carry a power-washer up an extension ladder, and here is a slap on the knuckles with my ruler. Now there. Your fingers are as bruised as your toes. I’m calling AARP to report you.
If I’m ever entering or exiting the mall in town (two sets of doors) I go through sooo slowly just in case someone is nearby and will benefit from me holding the door. I get so many disgusted/weirded out looks from lots of people who don’t mutter a word but their eyes say “I don’t NEED any help!!”… I don’t open doors for people just to feel good about myself and my potential usefulness, I do it because it’s the right and kind thing to do. Some folks just don’t have any faith in humanity. *sigh*