September 28, 2006
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I’M A DANGEROUS MAN
I’ve been trying to catch as many of the season premiers on TV as possible; primarily because my brain isn’t full of enough mindless drivel as it is.
I was eagerly awaiting the premier of “Smith” staring Ray Liotta. The show is about a suburban-dwelling traveling salesman who is married to a beautiful woman in the dental profession. The twist is that he is secretly a master thief who organizes high profile heists.
Since I happen to be a suburban-dwelling traveling salesman who is married to a beautiful woman in the dental profession, I thought the premise looked promising.
In the season opener, Ray and his band of nefarious, yet scruffily sexy, comrades stage a high-tech art robbery in a Philadelphia museum. They escape on a speed boat amid remotely triggered explosions just in time to hop a red eye flight home and enjoy a quick visit to the mile-high club with Amy Smart in the spacious cabin bathroom.
While Ray is accomplishing all of this, his wife thinks he is in St. Louis selling plastic drinking cups. When the show was over I turned to my wife and said “you just THINK I’m going to Washington D. C. next week to sell a bunch of amplifiers. In reality, I’m a devastatingly handsome thief who is actually flying to Rio de Janeiro to hack into a highly secure banking computer network so that I can steal millions of dollars and wire it to my secret Swiss bank account.
My wife yawned and said, “first of all honey, even though I’m no longer startled when I look over and see you first thing the morning, you’re not exactly what most people would refer to as devastatingly handsome. In fact, sweetie, you look a lot more like Abe Vigoda than Ray Liotta. Secondly, since I saw you trying to put a floppy disk in the CD drive on the computer last week, you’ll have to forgive me if I find the idea of you hacking into a secure banking network rather humorous. And finally darling, you can barely squeeze your own ass into the bathroom on an airplane, let alone tap anyone else’s while you’re in there.” Then she said, “by the way, if you’re secretly a millionaire, would you mind paying the cable bill on time next month?
Well…I’m on that “business trip” to Washington D. C. right now and in an effort to be more “dangerous” than my wife seems to think I am, I’m living totally on the edge. First of all, she thinks I flew into Reagan National…I actually flew into Dulles. How’s THAT for blatant deception! Not only that, just moments ago, I got a refill on my diet coke in the food court at the airport WITHOUT PAYING FOR IT! To top it all off, the 350 lb bearded woman sitting across the aisle from me just looked my way and winked, so all I’m saying is; “if the lavatory is rockin, don’t bother knockin.”
Yes, I’m a dangerous, dangerous man. I just hope someone doesn’t come up with a show about a suburbanite dental hygienist who is secretly a high paid assassin.
Disclaimer: My wife didn’t actually say those things to me; she’s much too sweet for that. She actually said I look more like Rodney Dangerfield.
Disclaimer #2: I have not now, nor have I ever, had carnal knowledge of a 350 lb bearded woman. I always ask them to shave first.
Comments (18)
Have a meal at Hogates while you’re in DC. Best seafood anywhere.
As always, you make me laugh! Strange about that show being so “similar” to your real life! I wish your wife HAD said those things to you, just because they are so funny, lol! Aw, but that wouldn’t have been nice! If Ray really IS in St. Louis selling plastic drinking cups, I bet he will make a trip to Kansas City to call on the auto parts store where I have a meeting tomorrow in the wee hours. If he is selling those (almost) obsolete pointed coffee cup refills, I can about guarantee it!
Have a good trip!
Kathi
I’m such a friggin scientist. My Tivo/DVR has made me incapable of missing a fall premiere. I have watched more bad TV in the last two weeks than I think I have in my whole life.
My suggestions so far:
Studio 60
Heroes
Gilmore Girls
House
Standoff
Criminal Minds
Grey’s Anatomy
My Name is Earl
The Office
Men in Trees
Family Guy.
When are you coming to the west coast? If I show you the best bank/museum/liquor store to knock over, do I get a % of the take?
I love reading your posts! You have such a great sense of humor. Thanks (again) for the laugh! Don’t get any more wild, on your trip, than you already have! According to your profile pic…you’re better looking than Rodney and Ray! Have a great week!
I perused the titles of the fall line-up to see if they might also be airing my life story.
I suppose I’ll have to tune in to make sure, but..
The Biggest Loser, Hack, Lost, Still Standing,
and Ugly Betty all look promising.
Oh wait. My name’s not Betty.
I am, however, thinking of changing it to Earl!
Wonderful.
They made a TV show about my life, too. It was Grace Under Fire.
This post reminded me of the commercial with the guy on the cruise swaggering all over and talking like Sean Connery until he gets busted by his wife. Great post, as usual.
Let’s hear some more about Amy Smart in the bathroom.
Somehow I seem to catch all the premiers and then I never manage to see another episode…this happens to be every year!
Gosh, you crack me up!
You and your wife remind me so much of Grizzy and me….we have all these jokes and bits and lines from movies and plays…the kind of history you build after so many years together. No one makes me laugh the way he does (although you two come close, I must say) and I don’t care if ANYone else finds us funny: WE know we are. We will end up like Norman and Ethel Thayer, complete with crotchety repartee and ancient jokes….and loving every minute of it.
I don’t always watch the premieres anymore because I seem to have an unfailing knack for LOVING a show that will disappear in no time flat. I’m thrilled to see that “The District” is playing on A&E in the early morning here…that’s how it ends up for me, watching a show after it’s canceled. ‘West Wing,’ anyone?
Wow, you went to D.C.?? You are living dangerously.
Missed Smith, but totally digging a few other newbies. Just what I need in my life, more TV. But tonite is The Office-absolutely can NOT let that go.
You made me laugh tonight. I needed that. Thanks!
I’d still like to think your wife said that – I’d also like to think that’s the exact same thing I’d say to my husband if he ever runs of those lines by me. My ex got the “don’t call people old geezers cos you’re getting there” lectures from me once
Are you sure your wife didn’t misspeak? Maybe she wanted to say Brad Pitt but got confused and said Rodney Dangerfield instead.
Shoot. I lie like a rug. I should be a politician.
Anyhow, very funny post.
Silly man.
Okay, so, to top off your trip of International Mystery, you should have gone to the International Spy Museum in D.C. Did you manage to fit that in?