April 18, 2006
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“TO FOSTER OR NOT TO FOSTER, THIS IS THE QUESTION”
My wife and I have lost our minds; we are considering taking in a foster child.
“You’re still relatively young,” I hear you say. “Your kids are grown and out of the house. You can pick up and leave at a moments notice. You can spend the financial resources that you’ve spent decades building on pure, unapologetic, self-indulgence. What the hell are you thinking?!?!?”
I’m not sure we are thinking…at least in any manner that can be considered rational.
My wife and I have discussed in passing that we own a home that has several bedrooms that we no longer go into for months at a time. We’ve also discussed that we talk a big game when it comes to our bleeding heart, liberal, help-the-less-fortunate, political agenda, but that we aren’t really putting our home and our financial resources where our mouth is. In other words, the idea of taking in a foster child has come up. Unfortunately, we made the mistake of mentioning this to a couple that has a foster daughter.
They called us a couple of weeks ago to say that their foster daughter’s older sister wanted to move to
Oh my God! This suddenly seems a lot more serious when it’s not some lofty “what if” scenario, and we are talking about a real, live, teenage girl.
This young woman is 17 years old and is a sophomore in High School. Apparently, no father is in the picture and the mother is a drug addict and is unable to care for her children. The two girls have been in and out of foster care most of their lives and seem to have done pretty well. We got to meet her on Easter Sunday, and on the surface, at least, she seems like a very pleasant young woman.
But what the hell do I know about teenage girls? And troubled ones at that? My only parenting experience comes in raising a son, and I’m pretty sure my experience was not entirely typical.
My son has never brought me anything other than reasons to be so proud that people run when they see me coming because they know I’m going to spring into a litany of how incredible he is. Trust me, he is not this way because of my great parenting skills; he is this way in spite of my parenting and because he appears to be some sort of genetic-mutant, Stepford-like child that also happens to be the world’s coolest human being. The worst trouble he ever got into as a teenager is when he was suspended from school for three days in eighth grade for popping a girl’s bra strap. I am the worlds most blessed and fortunate parent. My wife has experience raising a teenage girl, but her daughter also seems to have come from the same Stepford-genetic lab that my son did.
The young woman in question, however, has to have some baggage with that kind of background. Are my wife and I capable of dealing with whatever that baggage is? Only God knows.
I also understand that going through the qualification process for foster parenting makes the most invasive proctological examination seem tame in comparison.
So why would we want to do this? I have no idea, but we can’t seem to shake the feeling that this is something we should be doing.
So…we are getting more information, and we will see where it leads us.
Are any of you foster parents? Are any of you foster children? I’d love to hear about your experiences and whether you think we should move ahead or just up our medication.
Comments (22)
I think if you are committed to the idea of being foster parents and are willing to give it your best try, that is reason to move ahead with the idea. If you’re really not sure if you WANT to do it; then think on it some more before you decide. I’m sure you and your wife have a lot of love to give to kids who have had little stability and love in their lives. I would find out more about the girl to see if whatever needs she has are those you think you both could handle. Good luck with this. I admire you and your wife for considering the giving of yourselves in this way.
Kathi
I think God will bless you in many ways for even considering this! There is a reason this girl is being brought to you. Look how wonderfully you have raised your son! I know though…..it’s hard to continue raising a child that someone else has started out with….ESPECIALLY a teenager!! My daughter is 16 and even if she weren’t mine, I would honestly say she is one of the brightest and most loving teenage girls I have ever met. I think if you show her a loving home environment, where you WILL listen to her (if she allows it) then it will go really well. We never had a foster child but we did have a girl living with us for about 5 years while her mom drove a semi truck. She was 10 when we got her and 15 when she moved out….that was when her mother thought she was old enough and responsible enough to stay at her own house with an 18 year old girl staying with her….yeah….you can only imagine how THAT went! lol This girl now is 27 and has respect for me and my husband like we are her own parents, she calls us on Mothers and Fathers Day and all holidays but also at least 20 times a week! lol We love her like one of our own. It’s very rewarding to know that we played a major part in her life when her own folks were not around. BUT….it was very hard to set rules when we had to go along with whatever her mom wanted too….even if her mom was a thousand miles away! In your case, it will be different because you probably won’t deal with the girls parents much?! I guess when I am baffled about something, everyone tells me to pray about it and you will be able to decide what the right decision is. Hopefully that will help you some. Best wishes!
It sounds to me like you’re not taking credit for your kids turning out so well…. and you SHOULD take some credit for that. The fact that your own kids turned out so well tells me that you’d probably be a great parent….I’d say go for it, but I don’t know ALL the details. I imagine parenting a troubled teen would be hard… but not impossible.
I have never been a foster parent, but we did have an exchange student for a year. I thought it would be easy, but it did end up being more of a challenge than we thought. I wouldn’t trade it for anything though, we now think of her as one of our own. It has been almost 3 years since she went home and we still call her in Russia at least a couple times a month.
Having raised a boy and a girl, I have to tell you it is very different raising a girl. There are so many more emotions/ highs and lows, even with a well adjusted teenage girl. That is one thing to seriously consider since she is obviously going to have some baggage which would complicate things. All I know of you is what I read here on this site, but it seems to me that you and your wife would be very good foster parents. You have raised a great son, which you should take some credit for. I think you would have a lot to offer her and give her some much needed mentoring and stability in her life. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do!
I spent a decade working with foster parents, helping to develop a variety of placements for troubled children. You already know how hard it is to be a parent. Being a foster parent is harder. Being a foster parent for a teenager, harder still. Being a foster parent for a teenage girl is just about as tough as it gets. But I have no doubt that you and your wife (and your son) will be a wonderful foster family for a girl who needs you more than she will ever admit. So do it. If you want to. Nothing else matters. Good luck.
- Jeff
Well, I’m leaning towards both doing it AND upping the meds. (Having raised 3 girls of my own, and dealing with my husband’s 3 also)
Wouldn’t it be easier to just move into a smaller house and give the difference to charity?
Seriously, I know nothing about fostering… but I have the impression you’re not as sure about this as maybe you ought to be. Don’t let that other couple railroad you unless you’re positive you want to be on the train.
I am adopted, although it is certainly not the same thing as being a foster child. The adoption was arranged for before my birth and I was taken to Houston when I was three days old (I was born in Oklahoma, if you were wondering). I have no idea what it would be like to be seventeen and move into a new home.
I marvel at your goodness for even considering to do something like this. If you decide to take her in, you will undoubtedly be helping her in ways that she will never forget.
If you want to do it, do it. If you don’t, you shouldn’t. You shouldn’t feel any obligation to go through with it. Only do it if you think it will be beneficial to both her and to you and your wife.
Best wishes.
P.S. No, watching armadillos breed is not very pleasant. It is, however, better than most things on TV. : )
You are such great people.. I won’t lie, it will be tough! I have 4 teens and it’s tough without the trouble past (wait, maybe that’s the issue..LOL) anyway, I think you guys will do so great. I love reading your site every day! You and your wife have so much to give! mom2_3boys <–this lady is a foster mother. I don’t know if it’s the same, I think she does babies but still can give you some insight.
have a great night.. and again.. You guys are the best!
Wow, Mark, I think you and your wife would be excellent foster parents. And think how much blog material you will garner!
I think the hardest thing about fostering, and there are a lot of tough things, would be to say the inevitable goodbyes to the kids you’ve become attached to.
I used to care for a beautiful little boy who was not properly cared for by his mother. my home was not his foster home, but I did what I could for him during the day, while he was here. He was a handful – although he was almost three he couldn’t eat with a spoon, couldn’t sit at one activity for more than two seconds, had speech delays, and did a fair amount of swearing. He was also a cheerful, loving little boy, in spite of the raw deal that the universe handed him. Last December, he was taken from his home and put into foster care – and I never saw him again. How I miss him! I am so grateful that someone cared enough to open their home to other kids, because it gave him a second chance.
When Emily is a bit older, we hope to foster, or adopt an older child.
I think that is very admirable. What a giving heart you guys have!! I agree that God will bless you. I have never been a foster parent….however we did take in a runaway 13 year old prostitute. She was beautiful…but she caused a LOT of grief. She was always running away and returning to her pimp and I’d find myself at the emergency room at 2 am only to find her abused and covered in cigarette burns from men.
Then she ended up running away for good and I haven’t seen her since. I am hoping that one day I will be standing in church and there will be a tap on my shoulder and it will be her needing a hug…just like she used to do.
It was a lot of work and worry…and I didn’t know how to handle girls, and my own boys never gave me trouble…but my short time with this young lady was worth every minute of it.
I think you and your wife have big hearts….take it to prayer and continue talking to others who are foster parents.
I tend to think that all parenting is basically a crap shoot, but I’d bet that you and your wife would do well fostering a child. And aside from mood swings that bear an eerie resemblance to Linda Blair in The Exorcist, teenage girls aren’t so tough to raise. You just can’t talk to them, or look at them, or…
As a kid I never dreamed of having my own kids…but I frequently thught of living in a big house with lots of foster kids…now, it doesnt really fit my life at this stage of the game…but I think if God pulls out all the stops and leads you to it, you kinda have to do it..afterall, how much better will that girls life be as a result of being with you and your wife? Who knows, maybe spending 6 months or more at your house will be the pivitol thing in her life that spurs her to do incredible things..and if you dont do it…well…you get the picture.
Sometimes we’re guided to take a leap of faith.
xoxoxo
I love you.
…
You’re downright batty.
You were apparently quite serious when you said you didn’t know what to do with all the money you’d have after I ran off.
You have tons of experience with both teenage girls and foster parenting…remember Rachael? (wasn’t that her?) You’ve fostered several hundred 17 year olds who have bounced in and out of foster care and in and out of drug dependent homes. You have the scars to prove it (and so do I.)
There’d be no better person in the world to provide love and stability for a troubled kid. You know precisely what you’re getting yourself in to – which is what makes me wonder why you’d consider it – and you also know that you’ve touched even the most difficult to reach…
Whatever your decision, it’s certainly an admirable and honorable one. You know, the stuff you taught me.
And what better reference than your own son.
Sounds like your son has a good perspective on the prospect. And, if she’s already 17, it would be a relatively short-term commitment (not that she’ll necessarily leave the nest at eighteen, but imagine if she were 12).
Good luck. I have no experience as a parent or a foster parent, but I once was a teenage girl who fortunately had exceptional parents. It takes exceptional people to raise children, and it sounds like your best indicator of success, your son, has given you the seal of approval. A very difficult task I’m sure, but the blessings will be too many to count.
you can’t go wrong. blessings will come as you bless your foster child. how could you lose? good luck.
If not you, then who?….I would say that if it has been put into your heart, then we both know WHO put it there…I think that you and your wife may just make the difference in this girls life that will push her in the direction of success in her life, it seems she needs a stable home atmosphere, and you both sound like you just may be the stable ones needed….provided you up your meds of course.
If you can give her even a smidgen of a “normal” life, doesn’t she deserve that? Like Jordan said, you’ve been a foster parent already….they just may not have actually lived in your home. The pieces will come together the way they are meant to.