April 12, 2006
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COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE SEXES
(AND WHY IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN)
My wife and I have been married for four years now. During that time, one would think that we would have worked out all the kinks in communicating effectively.
HA!!! If you think that, you’re obviously not married.
A case in point involves the simple decision about where to go out to eat. We are both extremely busy individuals and we probably eat out four times a week or more. Deciding which restaurant to go too should be a simple thing, but for us, it typically involves more subtle negotiations than a peace accord in the
Here’s the drill – We are both on the maintenance phase of this crazy LA weight loss program, so what we can eat when we eat out is fairly limited and there are only a handful of restaurants that make the cut. If all I’m going to eat is a grilled chicken breast and steamed vegetables, I could really care less which restaurant prepares it. Because my wife is a wonderful woman who cares about my needs and my opinion, she will ask where I would like to go out to eat. She also does this because she is a woman and mistakenly assumes that, as a man, I have an opinion. Those of you, who are men, are quite aware, that it possible for us to not have actual opinions about a huge variety of things, including; where we live, what we wear, and the names of our children.
Because I know that it frustrates her when I say that I have no opinion, I will list two or three restaurants as possibilities, and if pressed, will even make up reasons why I would like to go to these particular restaurants.
My wife will have begun this conversation by stating that she doesn’t care where we go. However, as soon as I give her the above mentioned list, she will invariably shoot down all of them. This means that she actually DID care where we were going to eat, which brings up the whole question of why she asked me in the first place.
Being a man (read – jerk) this seems like an incredible waste of time to me, so I have tried the tactic of trying to guess the secret list of restaurants that she apparently already has in her head before she asked me where I wanted to go to eat. If I’m successful at guessing one of these restaurants, then we have solved the issue and we are off to eat yet another boring chicken breast!
The problem is that she has now caught onto the fact that I’m trying to guess what I think she wants to hear instead of giving her my real opinion (which I never had to begin with). This makes her even crazier than when I say I don’t have an opinion in the first place.
To her, the solution to this issue would be for me to have an opinion about where we go, to express that opinion openly and honestly, and for us to have a discussion in which we weigh the options and come to a joint decision about where to go.
The problem is that this is never going to happen.
To me, the solution would be for her to say “we’re going to TGI Friday’s…you gotta a problem with that bub?” I would say, “no” and we would be happily on our way to eat that boring chicken breast.
The problem is that this is never going to happen either, because she’s much too sweet to ever do that.
I’m thinking maybe we could put up a dart board in the kitchen with the names of all of the restaurants we frequent on it. Whoever hits the restaurant name with the highest number of darts picks the restaurant.
It could work.
Comments (28)
My husband and I have a similar problem with movies. What we do is each pick our top 3 choices and write them down on a slip of paper, fold it up and give it to the other person. If there’s a movie that’s on both lists, that’s what we see. It could work……….
My husband and I will be married for 22 years in June. Don’t you realize yet that we want you to have an opinion, but we want that opinion to be the same as our opinion? Don’t fight it or try to understand it. We have an agreement at our house….. I decide everything and he says “Great! That’s just what I was thinking!” It’s the perfect arrangement! (I am kidding, but only slightly!)
There are very few things on this planet that I won’t eat. And still we must have the “Where do you want to eat power struggle” every time we go out.
Men don’t have opinions about restaurants? Are you kidding? If I asked my husband, “would you prefer the frou frou salad and Cosmo place, or the all meat, all the time joint?” what do you think he would say?
i’m reading a book called (where are my italics???) why men don’t listen and women can’t read maps. it’s funny, but tells why, scientifically, we do the things we do… or don’t. lol.
Hey! I’m a woman and I can read maps! But to the point: I am very opinionated and I didn’t get that trait from my mother. My father always has an opinion about everything, including the restaurant we go to. But he will go where my mother wants to go.
Sometimes I think men and women are different species. The dartboard idea sounds pretty good. Maybe I’ll give it a try.
Hey…you were in the car when I picked my husband up from work last night, weren’t you?
I had a very similar experience today. I was asking my bride if she wanted me to come along to an appointment that she had today. We had briefly discussed it previously and she had gathered that I wasn’t too keen on going, so instead of saying “Yes, I do, but I know you don’t want to so you don’t need to.” She avoided me having to make that decision by saying “No, it’s fine, you should stay.”
I went to the appointment.
Boofshavik – You are such an intelligent husband!
We have no problem with picking restaurants. Deciding on vacations, or what colour to paint a room, well, that’s another story.
And you see a problem with this scenario how?…
We used to play that game too. Now we’ve finally reached the point where we just take turns choosing the restaurant.
Actually, your wife sounds like my husband. He’ll say he doesn’t care, and I’ll give him a list, and he’ll shoot down every option. It’s like, “well, why don’t YOU decide?” And then he says he doesn’t care….. UGGGHH!! I like the dartboard idea, though.
four years bwahahahaha we’re going on 27 and still have a kink or two
I had this problem with my ex except that it was reversed – he’d want something simple, but wanted to know where I wanted to go/ what to eat; I would suggest we pick up a chicken and stick it in the oven. Then he’d argue that he wanted Indian. Why ask me then???
RYC: Oh, Yarborough isn’t a bad place — particularly if you can wear your jammies when you’re there and go for pancakes when you’re finished! (I’m thinking there probably wasn’t a
Mozart-a-thon when you were a student….)
Casey Affleck eh? Never would have guessed that one lol
Thanks for the input though!
Hahaha! I love doing that to my hub, “I don’t care as long as it’s not, here or here, or here or here.. or THERE! LOL!!
Your opinion on my blog for today would be so appreciated! teens and tough decisions!
I’m not a freaky stalker. . . but I found your site and thought it was funny. Thanks for a great laugh today. BTW, that sounds like me and my mother in the car together. Yikes.
ryc: a really cool grocery store, and one of the best places to work for according to Forbes. We’ll see.
Haha, that sounds just like us! Why is most restaurant food so fattening? I guess because that’s what tastes good and makes people want to go to their restaurant! I’ve eaten more than my share of chicken breasts and steamed veggies, too. Gets old. The dartboard sounds like a good idea, but if you ever miss and put a hole in the kitchen wall, you’ll be dead meat. Trust me!
RYC: Alfred Hitchcock said that on all the RE-RUNS I’ve seen!
Kathi
We too have that same arguement…only roles reversed. We usually wait until we get in the car and start driving and he says where would you like to go…I say..it doesnt matter you tell me…I’m easy. NO just tell me where? okay okay… so I suggest Olive Garden.. He says ICK…not that place. Okay how about Fox and Hound. Then he spouts up about it not being smoke free and we arent going in there. okay okay… so I say how about Panera Bread. He winces and manages a no. ok…Baker Street. NO, he says…I will never darken their doorstep again. GEEZ enough already YOU tell me where we CAN go…I’m exhausted.
He starts to turn into Steves BBQ when I say… “anything but BBQ” heheh. He says too bad and we pull in anyway. Now that’s going to dinner after 26 years of marriage.
I always had that problem with the hubby when I was with him…
Ahh..decisions, decisions..
Oh silly man…have you not figured it out yet…it doesn’t matter if you have an opinion or not…either way we will find something to get angry at you about!….by the way, why not go out to sushi or sashimi from time to time?…at least it isn’t chicken, and the sashimi has no rice….I love doing that at least once a month, gets my craving for raw fish settled for the month….
Also, you may want to invest in a crock pot and crock pot recipe book….you can make great low cal food in those, and it is a matter of throwing things in the pot in the morning and coming home to a cooked meal in the evening, the whole prep time is less than 5 min, we use our crock pot a lot when we are in Maui…who wants to waste time cooking, not to mention pay for the very pricey meals out that you get in Maui….so this way, it is a win, win situation, hardly no cooking, and easy as can be!
My parents will have been married for fifty years this coming June. My father always says he does not care; yet, if the choice made is not the one he desires, he pouts or he heads to the one he wanted is spite of the decision. This is very hard on my mother who is now diabetic and cannot eat the heavy fried foods he prefers.
For the last ten years we have been slowly redecorating their home. My brother Conrad blames me as the decorator for making the house more victorian in design. My mother claims it looks more like her MIL’s house every day. Before we started I gave both my mother and father a ten page questionaire on likes and dislikes. Dad again insisted he did not care. Mom likes warm colors. He likes cold. She likes clean simple lines and minimal fuss. He’s into frou-frou. We decorated the bedroom in simple blue with tab top curtains. He wasn’t happy. Eventually the plain blue and white stripe and tab tops were replaced with flowers and priscillas. Now he’s happy and mom detests it. They have a trailer home in Texas. She gave him one bedroom and she took the other. She uses the upstairs at their main home because it’s in simple bold yellow stripes and checks. She’s happy. He’s happy. I gave up.
You obviously have a successful marriage, because there is absolutely no way on this earth, that I would have installed a dart board in my home while I was married. The temptation would have been too great.
At my last job, we had a jar with all the restuarants in it and then we’d pick from the jar and in unison agree that none of us wanted to go there…then we’d spend an hour picking a place only to end up at Subway 4 days a week.