December 28, 2005

• Every news agency in the nation is racing to publish their “2005 Year in Review.” I have certainly enjoyed following the news this year, so even though I have absolutely no journalistic credentials, allow me to offer my official:

  
  

   

  
  

  2005, THE YEAR IN REVIEW

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

  JANUARY:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Amid fireworks, beautiful ball gowns, and money laundered campaign contributions, President Bush takes his second oath of office. During his inaugural address, President Bush states that the focus of his U.S. policy will be “ending tyranny in our world.” In retrospect it is apparent that his definition of tyranny does not include warrant-less wire taps on American citizens. President Bush begins his second term in office with a much needed vacation.

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

  FEBRUARY:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  President Bush proposes sweeping changes to the Social Security program which include allowing seniors to bury money in Mason jars in their back yards, and personal investments in vacation time-shares. The President is quoted as saying “If it works for me, why wouldn’t it work for other people in the upper 2% of income earners in the U.S.?”

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

  MARCH:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Hardened criminal Martha Stewart is released from prison after serving a five-month term for obstruction of justice. Upon her release, she began sporting very fashionable ankle jewelry and announced that later in the year; K-Mart would begin selling her new line of “prison bitch” sportswear.  President Bush responds by vacationing in Crawford, Texas.

  
  

   

  
  

  Also in March:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  The nation has a collective coronary over the fate of brain damaged Florida woman Terry Schiavo. President Bush displays his commitment to life by cutting short his vacation to sign legislation aimed at keeping Ms. Schiavo alive. Meanwhile, U.S. troops sustain their heaviest casualties, with the death toll breaking the 1500 mark. The irony is lost on the majority of Republicans.

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

  APRIL:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Prince Charles finally weds Camilla Parker Bowles, proving conclusively that there actually is an ugly person for every other ugly person in the world. (Side note: animal rights activists complain about Camilla’s hat and mourn the poor, unfortunate chicken that had to die in order to provide her headwear). President Bush takes a break from the golf course in Crawford, Texas to send his congratulations.

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

  MAY:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Ex FBI official Mark Felt is finally revealed to be the legendary “Deep Throat” who leaked vital information to Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman. This revelation brings hope that someday, anonymous sources “cunnilingus” and “rim job” will also be revealed. During a press conference from his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President Bush giggles while saying “Deep Throat.”

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

  Also in May:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Children and animals everywhere that have been told to stay off the furniture are enraged by Tom Cruise’s couch-jumping display of affection for Katie Holmes on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Cruise was later reported as saying that he couldn’t be held responsible for his actions on the show because he was under the influence of Brooke Shield’s antidepressants.

  
  

   

  
  

  JUNE:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  The single greatest national outpouring of “WTF amazement” is precipitated by the not-guilty verdict delivered in the Michael Jackson, child molestation trial. Michael celebrated by inviting students from a local California grade school to join him in a toast of “Jesus Juice” and a sleep-over. The vacationing President is not available for comment.

  
  

   

  
  

  JULY:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  In an effort to appeal to his minority base, President Bush nominated John Roberts, America’s whitest man, to replace Sandra Day O’Connor on the Supreme Court. America breaths a huge sigh of relief, because everyone was afraid that Bush might be stupid enough to nominate someone with no judicial experience like Harriet Miers.

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

  AUGUST:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Hurricane Katrina, the costliest storm in U.S. history, makes landfall east of New Orleans. Apparently, aides cannot awaken President Bush from a deep vacation-induced slumber for three days, so that he can respond to the emergency.  Later, a rested and tanned Commander in Chief makes appropriate frowny faces from a helicopter while his distinguished mother, ex First Lady Barbara Bush, talks with the press about how cushy life is for the storm refugees coming into Houston.

  
  

   

  
  

  SEPTEMBER:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  A Texas grand jury indicted House Majority Leader Tom DeLay on a charge of criminally conspiring with two politcal associates to inject illegal corporate contributions into 2002 state elections. DeLay bitterly denounced the charge as baseless and called the prosecutor, Ronnie Earle, “an unabashed partisan zealot.” However, he was later overheard asking Martha Stewart about tips for living on the “inside.”

  
  

   

  
  

  OCTOBER:

  
  

   

  
  

  Oops…We spoke too soon; it appears that President Bush IS stupid enough to nominate someone with no judicial experience like Harriet Miers.

  
  

   

  
  

  Also in October:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Continuing the “fashionable” trend of Republican indictments; I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, Vice President Dick “Pumpkin Puss” Cheney’s chief of staff, is indicted on charges related to the grand jury investigation of the leaking of a CIA agent’s identity.  In a secret White House ceremony, Carl Rove is presented with a “Get Out of Jail Free” card.

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

  NOVEMBER:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  President Bush takes a break from his Thanksgiving vacation to officially “pardon” the national turkey. Again, the irony of using the phrases “President Bush” and “National Turkey” in the same press release is lost on most Republicans. The grateful turkey demonstrates the “Monica” treatment on a surprised President.

  
  

   

  
  

  DECEMBER:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  President Bush is accused of overstepping his constitutional authority when a New York Times article reveals that Bush authorized surveillance of American citizens and foreign nationals under a classified executive order signed in 2002. The scandal, labeled “snoopgate,” clearly perplexed the President; as he seems completely befudled that anyone would have an issue with this. A frustrated Bush went on to say that if he comes to your home he also has the right to look in your medicine cabinet. Drained by the stress of the press leak, Bush takes a much needed vacation.

  
  

  
  

   

  • 1:29 pm
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