November 9, 2005

• WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS

  
  

   

  
  

  I’m currently sitting in the Baltimore/Washington airport at gate B17 trying to kill time during a three-hour layover. I’m headed back home to Tulsa after a business trip to North Carolina.

  
  

   

  
  

  SIDE NOTE REGARDING NORTH CAROLINA: I’ve mentioned before that when I’m traveling, I like to listen to regional talk radio. I do this because nothing gives you a better feel for what a place is like than the local “Ted and Earl in the Morning” show. After listening to several hours’ worth on my way from Raleigh/Durham to Charlotte, I have a suggestion for the Charlotte Chamber of Commerce:  Your state and your city are breathtakingly beautiful. In fact I’ve looked into the possibility of moving to your city. I also understand that you are very proud of your local culture and heritage, and I’m glad you are. However, if you wish to attract business to your city from a more diverse geographic region than just other cities in the south, you might want to dial back the “grits eating-rebel yelling-NASCAR driving-we kill Liberals in these parts” rhetoric JUUUUUSSSTTT a little bit. Don’t get me wrong, I like grits too, and I think watching cars go in a circle for three hours is great fun, but as a Democrat I felt as conspicuous as Bill Clinton holding a blue dress. As I was walking through my hotel I was afraid that my mere presence would set off high-tech “Democrat detection” sensors, and that at any moment, three very large gentlemen wearing Dale Earnhardt ball caps would appear and take me out back to show me some “Southern Hospitality.”  Yes, I know; Oklahoma is just as much of a red state as North Carolina, if not more so, but in Oklahoma I’ve already tripped all the Democrat sensors and they just ignore me because they know my vote is meaningless there.

  
  

   

  
  

  Back to airport layovers: To pass the time, I try to keep my mind occupied by playing a game I like to call “colorful back-story.” Allow me to give you an example:

  
  

   

  
  

  As I look at the people seated around me I notice a man that I suspect is in his early 30’s with two small boys. One boy is about six years old and is wearing baggy pants and has his Spider Man ball cap on backwards. His younger brother is eating Rice Krispees straight from the box and only about one in twenty of the Krispees is actually making it to his mouth. In fact, the entire area around him makes it appear that it has been snowing breakfast cereal. At first glance you might think it is simply a father and his two boys traveling together. You couldn’t be further from the truth. The colorful back-story is that the older boy is actually the latest “it” young hip-hop/rap record producer. His name is Pee-Wee-Diddly and his younger brother is the lazy “dumb sibling” that he gave a job too just to keep him off the streets. The man traveling with them is not their father; he’s just a member of their Posse.

  
  

   

  
  

  Directly across from me is a strikingly beautiful young woman in her late 20’s. She has perfectly coiffed hair, and she is wearing a finely tailored black suit. She has on a silk blouse that is unbuttoned just to the point that it is provocative without being TOO provocative. She is also wearing platform shoes with, what appear to be, six inch stiletto heels.  You probably think she is simply a young business woman on a trip to see a client. If you think that you would be oh-so-wrong, ye of little imagination and a real job. She is actually the owner and operator of “Mistress Helga’s House of Pain” and she is on her way to Eastern Europe to recruit ex-Olympic female track and field athletes to come to the states to help “discipline” clients at her place of business.

  
  

   

  
  

  Finally, all around me are guys that look just like me. They are wearing business suits with ties askew and are either furiously typing on their laptops or are loudly promising “on time delivery” on their cell phones. Just a bunch of traveling salesmen like me, you think? Not so fast, Kimosabe. We are actually a highly trained group of Ninja Assassins hired by the Democratic Party. We are headed to Wal-Mart’s corporate offices in Bentonville, Arkansas where we plan to exact revenge for the working-poor in America.

  
  

   

  
  

  I know, I amuse myself very easily.

  
  

   

  
  

  Ok, I’m done with this post and I still have two and a half hours to kill. Let’s see, I wonder what the story is with this guy on a ladder replacing florescent light bulbs? I bet those aren’t REALLY light bulbs, I’ll bet…

  • 8:37 pm
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