October 24, 2005

• In response to this week’s topic on Socrates Cafe:

  
  

   

  
  

  AN EXCELLENT DEATH

  
  

   

  
  

  In 1976, Blue Oyster Cult declared “Don’t fear the Reaper”.

  
  

   

  
  

  All our times have come
  Here but now they’re gone
  Seasons don’t fear the reaper
  nor do the wind, the sun or the rain, we can be like they are
  Come on baby…don’t fear the reaper

  
  

   

  
  

  Despite their eloquent admonition, many people face the prospect of life’s one great eventuality with a great deal of fear and trepidation. The subject of death often evokes feelings of uncertainty, fear of the unknown, and even denial. It can also stir deeply held convictions regarding personal faith, speculation about a better existence beyond death, and even a longing to eventually arrive on the other side of death’s door. Death is the one event that all of humanity has in common and yet it is the one thing we may truly know the least about.

  
  

   

  
  

  The question has been posed; “What is an excellent death?” The answer to that question may lie more in the events leading up to death than in death itself. One of the most prolific and respected authors on the subject of death is Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who died herself in August of 2004. She said; “Dying is nothing to fear.  It can be the most wonderful experience of your life.  It all depends on how you have lived.

  
  

   

  
  

  Death can be considered a positive event. Research (to be noted) seems to indicate that in order for death to be considered positive by an individual getting ready to experience death or by those the individual has left behind, the death event needs to have at least one of three elements: The death must be on the individuals own terms, the death must be prepared for, and finally, the life of the individual who died is considered worthy to be celebrated by family and friends.

  
  

   

  
  

  Facing death on your own terms – It is not often that a person has the opportunity to meet death on their own terms. Accidental death, death by sudden illness, or even death by foul play can certainly rob an individual of the time needed to set terms for their own death. The topic of meeting death on your own terms is a widely debated issue as is evidenced by the recent court decisions in Oregon and the Supreme Court’s decision to look at “right-to-die” issues. According to Dr. Pat Caralis with the University of Miami Medical Center, individuals who have the opportunity to set terms for their own death report that they view the impending death experience more positively and with less anxiety. Dr. Caralis recommends that persons in this situation carefully examine such issues as Living Wills, Heathcare Proxies, DNR orders, and even the issue of physician assisted suicide.  Having a say about the circumstances of your death apparently makes facing death a more positive experience.

  
  

   

  
  

  Preparing for Death – We have all heard the admonition that we should “live everyday as if it was our last.” According to research done for the “On your Own Terms; Moyers on Dying” PBS special, two of the most important considerations in preparing for death seem to be in resolving relationship issues and in making sure that affairs are left in order.  Dr. Ira Byock, a faculty member at the Dartmouth School of Medicine, in his book “The Four Things that Matter Most”  states: “The specter of death reveals our relationships to be our most precious possessions. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve met people in my office, an emergency room, or a hospice program who have expressed deep regret over things they wish they had said before a grandparent, parent, sibling, or friend died. They can’t change what was, but without fail their regrets have fueled a healthy resolve to say what needs to be said before it’s too late – to clear away hurt feelings, to connect in profound ways with the people who mean the most to them.”  Regarding resolving outstanding relationship issues, Dr. Byock goes on to say: “Even as people confront death (their own or others’), they can reach out to express love, gratitude, and forgiveness. When they do, they consistently find that they, and everyone involved, are transformed—for the rest of their life, whether those lives last for decades or just days.”

  
  

   

  
  

  The knowledge that affairs have been left in order also seems to ease the anxiety of an impending death. On his deathbed, faced with creditors and unpaid bills, Oscar Wilde said despairingly, “I am dying beyond my means!”  Perhaps Mr. Wilde would have been less apprehensive if he had more adequately prepared for end-of-life financial considerations.

  
  

  Celebrating the life of the deceased – On a personal note, I was part of literally hundreds of funerals during my days in the ministry.  I would certainly say that the deaths I would refer to as “excellent” are the deaths of people who have lived in such a way that their lives touched the lives of others in profoundly positive ways.  It is a very sad funeral indeed when the only positive thing that can be read about the deceased is the obituary. I have been a part of many funerals, however, that were actually joyous celebrations, filled with laughter, because the person who died had left so much of themselves behind in the people who came, not to mourn the lost, but to celebrate their life. Kubler-Ross once said; “And after your death, when most of you for the first time realize what life here is all about, you will begin to see that your life here is almost nothing but the sum total of every choice you have made during every moment of your life. Your thoughts, which you are responsible for, are as real as your deeds.  You will begin to realize that every word and every deed affects your life and has also touched thousands of lives.”

  
  

  Hopefully, when death knocks on our door we will be prepared and we won’t fear the reaper.

  
  

  Edit: It is apparent from the last quote (and a great deal of the remainder of her writings) that Kubler-Ross believed in consciousness after death. I included the quote not to promote that theory, but to document her feelings about the impact that an individual’s life has on those around them. 

  
  

  Edit #2:  My friend The Baxter reminded me that the song “Don’t Fear the Reaper” was that catalyst for the phrase uttered by Christopher Walken which has served as a mantra for a generation; “I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is…more cowbell.”

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