September 1, 2009
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I’ve become the Great White Hunter
Editorial Warning: The following post may be offensive to many of my fellow liberal Democrats because it reveals the fact that I just shot several small defenseless woodland creatures with a 12 gauge shotgun, and worse yet, I enjoyed it.
I realize that as a fervent, card carrying member of the Democratic Party that I should adopt PETA’s philosophy and become a vegetarian who trades tofu recipes with all of my friends at the local organic food store, but dammit, have you tasted prime rib??!?!
I think Panda Bears and baby Seals are just as cute as the next guy and I find the idea of any animal suffering needlessly to be morally repugnant. But I also know that many animals taste really good with barbeque sauce, so I’ve never been able to jump on the PETA bandwagon. I might jump on if it were a chuckwagon, but that defeats the whole spirit of what they are trying to accomplish.
I also know that I’m supposed to hate guns and support strict gun control. I understand the arguments intellectually and I’ve tried really hard to become fervent about the issue. I liked the John Cusack, anti-gun movie “Runaway Jury,” but I also liked “Grosse Pointe Blank” where Cusack played a hit man. I’m sure if I, or someone I loved, had been the victim of gun violence I would feel differently, but I can only describe my feelings about gun control as complete ambivalence. Perhaps that’s because I’ve lived my entire life in Oklahoma where it is a state law that everyone own at least one Ford F-150 pickup truck with two shotguns in the gun rack and a bird dog in the back. Or perhaps it’s because I have to admit that I find it a wee-bit disingenuous to want the government to stay out of the abortion issue and the whom should be able to get married to whom issue, but want them to step in when it comes to guns.
So to all of my fellow Democrats who are shaking their heads in disgust at me, I’m truly sorry. But be careful…I might be packing.
I’VE BECOME THE GREAT WHITE HUNTERI have recently become the Great White Hunter. I don’t actually hunt, or at least I haven’t in over 30 years, but my boss asked me if I’d like to come on an office hunting trip. I really had no desire to go but since I’m a salesman and a soulless whore (see previous post) who would gladly do anything to promote his career I immediately said yes.
My boss is the poster child for the NRA. His personal gun collection totals well over a quarter-million dollars. The man owns his own 50 caliber machine gun for God’s sake. He could easily defend most third world countries all by himself. Today was the opening day of Dove season in Oklahoma and I’ve discovered that my boss closes the corporate office each year on opening day and takes the entire staff hunting.
He told me to wear camouflage. Of course I don’t own any camouflage so I went to Wal-Mart to buy some. Everyone in Oklahoma wears camouflage. In fact, you might well find many pastors preaching in camouflage on any given Sunday, so I shouldn’t have felt so conspicuous in it, but conspicuous I felt. I was certain that anyone looking at me could tell I was so out of place in those clothes that I might as well have been auditioning for a fifth spot with the Village People.
I got up at 4:00 a.m. to drive to meet everyone (apparently birds keep really stupid hours) and was handed a 12 gauge shotgun and shown how to use it. We hiked way the hell out into the middle of nowhere and sat down and waited for the birds to fly by.
I shot and killed four defenseless little doves. Yes, the birds that bring strips of cloth to Cinderella so she can make her dress for the ball. I know I should feel terrible but actually, I really enjoyed it.
I didn’t enjoy it enough to go buy my own gun and hang it in a gun rack in my car (primarily because people who stop at the end of on-ramps deserve to be shot, and I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to help myself) but I did enjoy it.At one point my boss was complaining that I wasn’t taking enough shots. He told me that I could shoot at birds that were farther away because “your barrel is three or four inches longer than anyone elses.” I immediately replied “I can’t count how many women have told me that” because, frankly, any opportunity for a good penis joke should never be passed up.
So I’ve become the Great White Hunter and I’m afraid of what might happen next. If start repeating Larry the Cable Guy jokes, or start referring to myself with two first names (i.e. Billy Mark) I hope that all of my liberal Democratic friends will come and stage an intervention.
Comments (10)
Hey, I have several male relatives who like to bird hunt. I think killin’ little doves is sad, but I have a GREAT recipe for cooking them.
When the doves flock in my back yard in the summer, I tell my hunter/gathers that the doves are taunting them! Teehee! 
“Soulless whore”…everytime I think about that I snort laugh!
Thanks for making dove hunting funny.
i don’t like PETA all that much anyway. and the idea of being a vegetarian doesn’t appeal to me because animals eating animals os just part of nature. but i could never go hunting. i’d fall in love with those doves too easily.
Does the boss take you all out for “Q” after the big hunt? I didn’t know Cinderella’s birds were doves. I always thought they were bluebirds or something. Now I definitely prefer to think of them that way! I think Snow White had bluebirds tweeting around her, too. So, what did you do with your 4-bird haul?
Love the jokes about you in camo and your extra-long barrel! Ahahahaha!
Kathi
I think I would have really enjoyed that post about people who stop at the end of on-ramps… I’m a bit bummed to learn there won’t be one in the forseeable future. C’mon Billy Mark, think of your subscribers !!
A liberal Democrat buying camo would be like the preacher buying porn, you’d have to go to the next state to do it!
How gratifying to hear someone acknowledge certain inconsistencies in the lefts position/ I admire you for doing so.
Ok, I laughed. But with a disapproving tone.
I am a vegetarian Democrat; but not easily offended. Just because I have no taste for animals doesn’t mean I care if anyone else does. I think there’s politics, then there’s common sense, y’know? And there are WAY too many deer around these parts. Not to mention geese. And bunnies. Have at ‘em!
Guns, dove hunting, camo and a penis joke? Be still my liberal heart….
forgive me, but you wrote “office hunting trip” and I immediately thought of Dick Cheney…
xoxoxo
“any opportunity for a good penis joke should never be passed up.”
This is one of the most important lessons that you ever taught me, father. And I swear that I have upheld it. In fact, everyone who knows me knows this. In fact, a colleague carried a lab counter around and counted my references. I was simultaneously ashamed and thrilled at the results.
The important question from this post is whether you got to keep your kills and did you engage in the age old tradition of taking the breast, putting a half a jalepeno on it and wrapping it in bacon before putting it on the grill? Drool-worthy.