HOW TO DEAL WITH SALESPEOPLE (AND THE SOULLESS WHORES THEY ARE)
Hi. I’m the Director of Sales and Marketing for a privately held multi-national firm. I have made my living as a salesperson for almost 20 years, and I have a confession to make: I DESPISE salespeople.
Not just a little mind you. When I have to deal with a salesperson I usually find myself wanting to cut off their eye lids, cover them in honey, and stake them to an ant pile. Or better yet, shove their polyester clad ass into a wood chipper and spread the resulting mulch over their grave.
Ok, I might be exaggerating a little bit, but my feelings are intense enough that when my wife and I go shopping for a big ticket item she makes me repeat all the way there; “I WILL be nice to the salesperson, I WILL be nice to the salesperson.”
My contempt was rekindled last week when the “Cash for Clunkers” programmed lured us into a local Ford dealership.
ME: “We’ve been reading about the Escape Hybrid. Do you have one on the lot we could test drive?”
SALESPERSON: “I don’t have one here, but there is one at another lot nearby. Why don’t we go into my office and we can start drawing up the paperwork while I have it brought over.” At this point my wife saw the vein bulging in my neck, took my hand and whispered; “steady.”
ME: (attempting to remain pleasant and calm) “I really couldn’t commit to purchasing a $30,000.00 vehicle without either seeing it or test driving it.”
SALESPERSON: “I can assure you that it is the only one left in the state and it will be gone within the hour. If you don’t buy it right now, you won’t find another one for months.”
ME: “I’m afraid you’ve left me no choice, I’m going to have to kill you now.”
The only form of life on earth lower than a car salesman is a furniture salesman. They never take “I’m just looking” as an answer. They cling to you like blood sucking parasites, insistent that you come and look at the latest shipment of baby furniture even though you just told them your kids are 35 years old.
To be fair to car and furniture salespeople, I don’t live in their world. In my business a single sale is generally hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars. People don’t make buying decisions of that magnitude quickly. The sales cycle is at least several months and often several years. I can’t imagine what it would be like to live and die by having to close sales every day.
So it’s not so much that I despise them personally, I despise how they have to do business (and the soulless whores it turns them into). So here are a few rules of thumb when given the pitch by these guys (or gals – I’m an equal opportunity despiser).
1. If the salesperson says that what you want to buy is one of a kind and that if you miss this opportunity, the object of your desire will be gone forever, flip them on the nose and walk out of the building. They have factories for a reason…to make more of whatever the hell it is you want.
2. If the salesperson says that the sale ends today and that you won’t be able to get it at that price tomorrow, they are a lying sack of ca-ca. If they can make the deal today, they can make the same deal next week if they want too. If they don’t want too, screw them and go buy it from someone who will.
3. If what they are selling is not “value-added” and the only purchasing factor is price, do not be embarrassed to make a low-ball offer. All they can do is say no, and to the best of my knowledge no one has ever died from being told no. Even if they say they don’t negotiate, everybody negotiates. Life is a negotiation. With that being said, don’t expect to get something for nothing. Every business deserves a fair profit.
4. Do your research and know what you want before you go. Be polite (yes, I can be polite if my wife threatens me enough) but be firm. If they start the sales spin crap walk away.
5. And finally if a salesperson ever begins a sentence with “Let me be honest” everything that comes out of their mouth from that point on is complete shit. No one ever says “let me be honest” if they are actually being honest.
As soon as I post this I’m going to go interview a builder for the home we are hoping to start construction on soon.
I have my wood chipper ready.
Comments (27)
“I’m afraid you’ve left me no choice, I’m going to have to kill you now.”
haha. Good choice. I’m terrified to go buy a car, exactly for that reason. I know they’re going to see me, assume I’m an ass, and take advantage of me. I’ve done my research but I hate feeling conned and I get nervous. Like I can just feel their venomous teeth ready to pounce. Yikes. I’m putting it off as long as possible.
This was hilarious. I do not share your contempt for sales people as I am actually friends with a couple of these people. I also never have a problem just leaving when they launch into a pitch and do not do as I have asked since, after all, I am the paying customer and should be treated like royalty.
Lmao, sounds like my dad. He’d be like, “hold up buddy I’m not buying the good til I’ve seen it and if you say I’ve gotta buy it now, I won’t.”
i love the way you point out the obvious intrusion that some “sales” people make on an individual’s freedom to perceive time in a wholly unique way! i mean, if the time is not now, to one, but not the other, then who is right and who is wrong? to the victor goes the spoils!
Precisely why I avoid shopping for anything other than groceries.
Okay, as a woman who has sold insurance (of all things), I honestly liked what you had to say because it was honest, funny, and I totally agree. I always tried to do right by people when I was selling. If they were better where they were I let them know, but it seems like the number of honest sales people is so minimal we all get crap for. Even from our own
. I rather despise salespeople as well and when I run into one who isn’t doing a very good ob or trying to just get the sale, my temper kinda flares up a little, too. AWESOME post.
Ha! thanks for making me snort laugh!
You sound like some men I know! I, on the other hand, am friendly and nice with salespeople….as long as they don’t follow me around or make weird comments on my purchases. Cars salespeople…I haven’t met many that I liked. I always feel like they are conning me.
Great post, FunnyMark!
HUGS, C.
This is fabulous advice !! Especially the part about the wood chipper… do those come in portable models ?
“I’m afraid you’ve left me no choice, I’m going to have to kill you now.” haha! Sounds exactly like all the men in my family.
I agree totally. I call the car salesmen vultures – the minute you step out of your car on their lot they swoop down on you. And it is true – their deals will be there tomorrow. Thanks for this post.
Ahh, I agree, if someone says “Let me be honest”, I want to say, “What, you haven’t been up till now?” LOL The very words sound “sketchy” (as my son would say). I think computer salespeople qualify for the chipper treatment, too. When we bought computers a few months ago, the salesman was an old fart (not much older than us, haha). He tried to take advantage of our nearly-geriatric status to convince us we needed 2 new printer/scanners to replace the ones we had at home that would not be “compatible” with the new computers. That was bunk, we felt at the time, and we thought it was nasty of one old-timer to take advantage of another! :-p When our son hooked up the stuff we bought (to the old printer/scanners), back went the “must have” ones!
Kathi
hahaha it’s funny how your wife makes you repeat that mantra.
I am absolutely hysterical on this!!! I have dealt with the car issue in the service department……..the manager is now gone!!!
LMAO!!!!!
Oh, Mark, so much hate! Don’t give in to the dark side! I can feel your anger flowing through you.
I want to see your house plans!!! What cool things are you going to do?!? And you aren’t going to ever leave us at Yale just because you moved into the Wilderness, are you? I would HATE THAT!!!
Oh, and we are ON for Best Christmas Pageant Ever, I might need a sound&lights consult… pretty pretty please? I won’t sell you anything but a marvelous vision, I swear!
Funny you should mention this. Just yesterday two men came to the door asking for me by name and ID’ing themselves as being from the tel phone co. AT&T. They could save me money by adding /changing my services, etc. I already have two tel #s and the computer with AT&T. I am well aware of bundling. I just am not ready to do all the rearranging because I have other plans that I did not think I needed to share with these strangers. I had to go outside because my dogs were ready to attack them from inside the house. My dogs also hate sales people and Jehovas Witness people. After repeatedly saying I was not interested at this time, one of the men said in a smart ass tone “OK, if you dont want to save money”. I said I did not need any smart remarks and that I was calling the police and to get off my property. Me: ”your not moving”. Man: “I have a bad leg” Me: “So do I.. move”. Dogs barking in the background. They moved with the younger man looking wide eyed. They moved down the street mumbling.
Do not mess with crazy old ladies.
Very nice tips!
The last time we were “looking” at new cars, the MANAGER at the Chrysler dealership was YELLING at a potential customer who had decided to walk away from the bargain they were offering. That made us leave. As for other retail salespeople, they should be there to help if you need it, not follow you around annoying the crap out of you.
My husband is a builder. An honest one. He loses business being honest. But it doesn’t matter, because people only hear what they want to hear anyway. As in, “It will take less than a year, per our contract for us to be done with your home.” What they hear is, “As soon as you’re ready to move in, your home will be ready for you.” And, “Improvements to land is the financial responsibiltiy of the homeowner” becomes “We’ll take care of everything-what kind of landscaping would you like?”
Be nice to your builder.
Yes, even I am intimidated and irritated by sales people, but car sales is very different right now. The Cash for Clunkers thing has made inventories very low on popular colors/models, etc so if he says that there is only one left and it might be gone, that is very reasonable. My dad has been a car salesman for almost 20 years and it is a tough tough job. He doesn’t love it, but it’s what he has to do. There are definitely shady sales people out there but I’m proud to say that my dad is a very honest one who tries to help his customers get the best deal.
“1. If the salesperson says that what you want to buy is one of a kind and that if you miss this opportunity, the object of your desire will be gone forever, flip them on the nose and walk out of the building. They have factories for a reason…to make more of whatever the hell it is you want.”
The idea of the factories making more of “what you want” is kinda true, but factories have to plan several months and even years in advance to predict the optimal amount of cars to produce. You can’t just put in an order and expect them to “make” you one overnight! Dealerships were overstocked with cars for months because of the poor economy so after closing several factories and changing their output, they don’t produce as many these days.
“2. If the salesperson says that the sale ends today and that you won’t be able to get it at that price tomorrow, they are a lying sack of ca-ca. If they can make the deal today, they can make the same deal next week if they want too. If they don’t want too, screw them and go buy it from someone who will.”
This depends. Sometimes the dealership wont allow them to sell cars at certain prices but it is likely they can do the same deal if the car is available the next day. However with Cash for Clunkers inventories have been selling out very quickly. Every dealerships management is different.
Yes, try your best to get the best deal and the worst you’ll hear is a “no”, but there is no reason to be rude or mean to the salesmen just because it’s their job. Ask a friend for a recommendation or for someone who has a good reputation and you’ll be more likely to have a more trusting relationship with your sales person and come out happy. I know my dad has had repeat customers throughout his 20 years and recommend him to several people who look for a trusting relationship.
Just for the record, there ARE honest people out there. It’s hard to sell yourself when people are already prejudice against you.
Excellent, excellent advice.
And actully extremely helpful to me.
I’m only 16 at the moment and not buying cars or furniture, but boy do I ever fall for the shit spiel, or at least I used to (especially with electronics, which are what I buy most of).
This info will be extremely helpful in the future.
Thanks!
*rec’d*
One of my best friends is a salesman. He’s pretty up front about everything. However, I have been mind-fucked into making large purchases by salesmen before. It’s really psychological. They get in your head and that is uniquely scary.
Yeah, I was an RE agent. Every fiber of my being fought me every step of the way in selling people places.
Haha, this is so true…my dad works in sales and I saved thousands of dollars by taking him with me when I bought my car.
Well put!
bwahahahahaha… I lucked out and my loan officer at the bank made the deal the last time I purchased a car… got several thousand knocked off. She’s a tough cookie!
I knew a car salesman that told me it’s a good deal if the salesman and the customer both feel like they only got screwed a little.
I loved this post. Sorry I missed it until now. Robert Cialdini does some research on persuasion and has identified the principles that work on people (scarcity being the one you mention in 1 and 2) and when I read his (very well written and witty) articles, I want to gouge out the empty hearts of those who employ such tactics to make me spend my hard earned money.
Hahaha the “let me be honest” is the funniest one!