June 20, 2009
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The MAN trip
The MAN trip
I am a member of a secret society. There are only three members and we can only be identified by our sagging Depends and the empty bottles of Ensure littered around our feet. We are the “MAN club” and our mission is to come up with ever more pathetic attempts to hold onto our waning masculinity while that effing bitch Mother Nature sneaks up from behind and gives us all a prostate exam. (1)
Actually, it’s just three guys who are the same age (and have birthdays within a few weeks of each other) who have the bodies of Abe Vigoda and the maturity of Ashton Kutcher.
Let me introduce you to the gang: Of course you all know me. I’m a sales manager for a technology company. Then there is Scott who is a pharmaceutical rep, and finally Bill, who works in manufacturing. On a given day the most strenuous thing any of us might do is staple a report together, and yet when we pass certain chronological milestones we feel compelled to go somewhere and risk our lives to try and prove that we are still testosterone oozing, mastodon killing, women clubbing, hunks of manhood. (2)
When we all turned 45 we learned to skydive. Since no one died, we promised ourselves that when 50 came we would do something even stupider. We batted around several ideas. One was to rent Harleys and ride to Vegas, Wild Hogs style, for a weekend of debauchery. But we decided that there would be too much chaffing involved and that they stay up way to late in Vegas anyway, so we scrapped that idea.
Instead….(drum roll please) We head out this Thursday for a trip to Canon City, Colorado to white water raft the Royal Gorge.
The literature states that we need to be in very good physical condition. I took that seriously and since we booked the trip I’m very proud to say that I have done at least three setups. (3).
Our wives feel that we need a chaperone so they are sending along Bills son; Bobby. Bobby is 27. Bobby was a Navy SEAL. Bobby bench presses over 300 lbs. So you know what this means don’t you? We are all much more likely to kill ourselves proving that we can keep up with Bobby than if he just stayed home (4).
When I get home I’ll update and let everyone know how it went (5). Until then, wish us luck and wish us fun. And here’s hoping our Depends will be buoyant enough to keep us afloat if we fall out of the boat.
_________________________________(1) She refuses to use lube.
(2) I can see you rolling your eyes from here.
(3) Not all at the same time, of course.
(4) Thank GOD he’s going, I’d be scared shitless if he wasn’t.
(5) Providing I’m not in traction.
Comments (12)
Well, thank goodness for Bobby! When you start to sink because your wet Depends are weighing you down, he’ll be able to pull you to safety. : p Seriously…have a great time and get home safely. Can’t wait to see pics. : )
hmmm, three mature men, one young buff dude, a raging river. I think I may have seen this movie before. I would beware of the moon. Stick to the roads. Don’t eat any wooden apples, and if you see a bundle of bones under a rock, well, it was nice knowing you. Good luck, and if you make it back okay please remember that us women of a certain age like pictures of 27 year old men in rafts.
WakeUpLaughing sent me. Sounds like a fun trip and the wives are smart to send someone along to tell the story as it really happened. He’ll keep you honest or make a few bucks to keep quiet. hahahaha. Anyway… have a great trip.
How funny!!! Seems I remember a movie with Dueling Banjos….I’m sure you haven’t forgotten. Squeal like a pig!!
aahhahaa have fun!
Happy birthday to all you old guys! Hey, don’t get yer panties in a bunch, I am an old girl. I can say that. Be safe, be smart, remain conscious.
I’m sure you’ll all be fine as long as you don’t drink any beer on the trip. You won’t, will you?
Sounds really fun. Wish I was going. Whatever happens don’t fall for the “put these lucky rocks in your pockets for safety” thing. Turns out the rocks are not your friends when you fall out of the raft. Found that one out the hard way. Have a great time and come back in less than 3 peices….
@transvestite_rabbit -
Dear Transvestite Rabbit: We plan to spend one day of our trip on a brewery tour. But we promise to only SMELL the beer.
Joel won’t be going on the man trip, I’m afraid. We are leaving Friday for our 20 hour drive to North Dakota with the children, ha ah ha ha ha, a different kind of prove-something-about-yourself-trip ALL TOGETHER. At the end of it we shall see if you are alive and we are still sane. (-:
Thank goodness for Bobby!
Have fun & I will hope to see an update from you.
Okay, I had to google Abe Vigoda to see if he was still alive. Did you know he has been reported dead twice, once in 1982 and again in 1987? And he’s still alive, sho nuff!