AND THE SURVEY SAYS…

I’ve noticed that surveys are becoming more and more prevalent as blog fodder.  Hoping to add to the endless list of crap that gets forwarded to you everyday, I’ve put together the following survey/quiz. If you don’t fill this out immediately and tag 30 additional people to fill it out as well, President Bush’s current attempts to negotiate peace in the Middle East will be in vain and it will be all your fault.

In the event that you have an accident later today, are you currently wearing clean underwear?

Do you think marklabouff looks more like Brad Pitt or George Clooney. Please support your answer.

Do you think identity theft could ever happen to you? Please list your social security number, checking account number, and the number of your credit card with the highest available balance in your answer.

Ginger or Mary Ann? Compare and contrast.

Does your employer know you’re responding to this survey on company time?

What is the one thing you’ve done in your life that your mother would be the most embarrassed about if she knew? Provide details.

Do you wash your hands EVERYTIME you go to the restroom? Come on, be honest.

Do you have a MySpace page? Are you embarrassed by that fact? I am:

http://www.myspace.com/marklabouff  

Have you ever written a letter to Penthouse Forum?

Have you ever been the subject of a letter written to Penthouse Forum?

Have you ever been mellow?

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Do you feel like we do?  (If you are under 40 and understood the last three references, move forward two spaces)

If a train carrying Dennis Kucinich left Ohio headed west at 40 mph and a train carrying Fred Thompson left California headed east at 50 mph would anyone care? Show your work.

Does your carpeting match your drapes? (OK…that was out of line)

Express your feelings about this survey in a poem or a collage (your choice).

Thanks for taking time to respond to the survey. I look forward to your answers.

2007 YEAR IN REVIEW

Every major news outlet on the planet has already published a “2007 Year in Review.” In fact, in an effort to get a jump on the competition, most of them published their 2007 reviews in 2006. I make a concerted effort to never get in a hurry about anything, however, so on this very last day of the year I humbly offer my 2007 Year in Review. 

JANUARY

History is made when Nancy Pelosi became the first female Speaker of House. Republicans express concern that she “doesn’t have the balls for the job.”

FEBRUARY

The single most important event in recorded history (as measured in hours of televised coverage) unfolds as Anna Nicole Smith is found dead from an apparent drug overdose. 427 men immediately come forward as the possible father of her baby, causing authorities to speculate that she may have actually died from exhaustion.

MARCH

While delivering a speech from the pulpit of First Baptist Church of Selma, Alabama, Hillary Clinton affects a heavy southern accent.  Not to be outdone, Arkansas native Mike Hukabee borrows gansta rap lyrics and announces that “Bitches get smacked, and bustas get jacked, if you vote for a Democrat I’ll lay you out on your back” during a campaign stop in Detroit.

APRIL

Don Imus is fired by CBS from his nationally syndicated radio show for calling members of the Rutgers University women’s basketball team “nappy-headed hos”. The players demonstrate incredible dignity and restraint by not immediately pointing out that Imus is unquestionably the ugliest man in America.

MAY

Jerry Falwell, the man who made such comments as; “AIDS is not just God’s punishment for homosexuals; it is God’s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals” and “Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America” passed away thus silencing one of the most prominent voices of Christian love and compassion in America.

JUNE

Senator Larry Craig is arrested by a plain clothes policeman is an airport restroom for attempting to solicit gay sex by means of foot tapping and hand signals. Note to self: Keep hands in pockets and foot tapping to a minimum when listening to IPOD in airport restrooms.

JULY

The Harry Potter saga comes to end as the final book in the series; “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” is released.  Readers are shocked to discover that the story ends with Harry Potter being shot by Tony Soprano while enjoying a table dance at the Bada-Bing club.  

AUGUST

Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron’s Major League home run record. His achievement is sullied by rumors that he used performance enhancing steroids. Bonds denied the allegations and then went on to defeat Godzilla and destroy Tokyo.

Also in August: Alberto Gonzales and Karl Rove abandon the White House like rats fleeing a burning building. Rats everywhere express outrage at being compared to Gonzales and Rove in this metaphor.

SEPTEMBER

Concerned that Anna Nicole Smith has stolen his spotlight as the worlds most over-exposed celebrity, O.J. Simpson stages an armed robbery in a Las Vegas Hotel. Reporters for Extra, Entertainment Tonight, Inside Edition, TMZ, Showbiz Tonight, and other tabloid news shows have a mass spontaneous orgasm.

OCTOBER

Al Gore shares the Nobel Peace Prize for his work to raise awareness on the issue of global warming.  Senate Republicans were too busy driving oil company executives around in their Hummers to comment.

NOVEMBER

The Writers Guild of America goes on strike. Network executives scramble to come up with reality-television programming to replace cancelled scripted shows. Both “Survivor-Toledo” and “When American Idol Contestants Attack” are scheduled to air in January.

DECEMBER

The Central Intelligence Agency admits to destroying video tapes that document the interrogation procedures of two Al Qaeda operatives. President Bush denies having seen the video tapes but goes on to add “I do like those Barney videos, though. That is one funny purple dinosaur!”

I hope you and yours have a very happy 2008!

HO, HO, HO, AND MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS (PART 2)

If you’re anything like me, by the time the day after Christmas arrives you are so sick of Christmas music that even the sound of someone whistling “Jingle Bells” makes you want to castrate an elf with your bare hands. Ok, maybe that’s just me, but the point is that after two of months of listening to bad holiday Muzak you start to wish that anyone performing “Silent Night” would just please shut the hell up and be silent. There are two holiday “classics”, however, that never fail to bring a smile to my face no matter how many times I hear them. The first is Cheech and Chong’s “Santa Claus and His Old Lady.”

 EDIT: Here’s a pic of my front yard

ICE, ICE, BABY

What’s hard and wet, and really slippery?

Come on, get your mind out of the gutter…it’s the massive blanket of ice covering the state of Oklahoma (and most of the Midwest) The storm rolled in on Sunday and my electricity rolled out about an hour later. We haven’t had power since then and it’s colder than a witch’s tit.

My office is also without power, so I’m currently sitting in the coffee bar at my church drinking a French Vanilla Cappuccino and enjoying the WiFi (cause we’re all hip and cool like that.)

I’m also chatting with the line of people waiting to take a shower here at the church because it’s too frigin cold to take one at their houses.

There are over 200,000 people here in Tulsa without power. I lost all my trees, the lines to get gasoline are around every corner, and any restaurant that still has power has a two hour wait. They are saying it will be a week to 10 days before all of the power is restored.

What the hell did people do before electricity? I mean, for God’s sake, my DVR isn’t even recording all of the shows I’m missing. Can life get any more primitive than that?!?

Maybe… another day or two without power and one of these people standing in line for the shower might look pretty good on a spit with some barbeque sauce and a side of coleslaw.

HO, HO, HO AND MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS

I’m typically a happy-go-lucky kind of guy. I always try to see the best in every situation and in every person. However, the last 6 to 8 months have been so stressful at work (hence two to three months between posts), and I’ve dealt with such an amazing amount of “caca de bovine” from so many people lately, that my outlook is beginning to subtlety change. So during this wonderful holiday season of merriment and peace and good will towards mankind I’ve determined that I pretty much despise all of humanity.

In honor of the fact that Letterman is in reruns until the end of the writer’s strike, and the fact that I just scored third-row tickets to see George Carlin next month, I would like to offer a top-ten list of people who are currently pissing me off.

10.       People who don’t pay attention to where they are going while they are shopping.

One of my favorite columnists was Mike Royko of the Chicago Tribune. He once defined a “jerk” as someone who barged onto an elevator before they looked to see if anyone on the elevator wanted to get off. I want to amend this to include people who barge out into the aisle at Wal-Mart before they look to see if anyone else is coming. If you hit me with your shopping cart one more time I swear I’m going to insert that cart firmly up your ass right next to your head, which is obviously already there.

9.         People who refer to the “Good old days” (typically in order to sell you something.)

This applies both to advertisers and politicians. If you want to go back to a time when indoor plumbing was optional and polio was still crippling people just because you think those times were simpler and people had better values, I hope you find a time machine to take you there. Personally, I like being able to watch TV on my IPOD and order little blue pills off the internet; thank you very much. “The good old days” is a myth. June and Ward Cleaver didn’t actually live in the 1950’s but Joseph McCarthy did.

8.         People who simultaneously talk on their cell phone, eat a sandwich, discipline their children, and do a Sudoku puzzle, all while changing lanes at 80 mph.

If you want to die in your car, I think that’s just peachy. Park in your garage, run a hose from your exhaust pipe into your window, and take a nice long nap. That way you won’t take any of the rest of us out when you go.

7.         People who constantly say “Everything happens for a reason.”

If this is what you need to tell yourself to feel all warm and cuddly in a cold and scary world, more power to you, but think through the logic on this one. The statement assumes there is a higher power. I happen to believe in a higher power, but if your higher power caused Katrina, the genocide in Darfur, and made you lose your car keys this morning, all to accomplish some unforeseeable greater plan that we are incapable of understanding; then your higher power is one sick, twisted puppy. Shit happens. Get used to it.

6.         People who still have a “W ‘04” bumper sticker on their car.

I think this is self explanatory.

5.         People who say “like” more than twelve times in a single sentence.

Also self explanatory.

4.         People who think there is a “War on Christmas.”

There may be a few people who are offended by the holiday, but so far I haven’t seen any land mines placed outside the mall in order to keep you away from the ugly Christmas sweaters. Too many people make too much money from Christmas for there to be an actual war against it. Let’s reserve the word “war” for people who are dying a very long way away from home. 

3.         People who whine.

“Isn’t that what you’re doing right now?” I hear you ask. Absolutely; I never said my current hatred of humanity did not include some healthy self loathing.

2.         People who say anything other than “fine” when I ask them how they are.

I didn’t really want to know how you are, I was just being polite. This is a time honored meaningless social exchange, please observe it correctly.

1.         People currently running for President.

I hate ALL of you.

Well, I hope that was as therapeutic for you as it was for me.

Merry Christmas.

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY OOOOOOOOKLAHOMA

On November 16^th, Oklahoma will celebrate its 100^th birthday. This means that I’m pretty much half as old as the state, which really sucks when I think about it.

In the past couple of years I’ve made a lot of fun of Oklahoma in this blog, but in honor of our centennial I feel compelled to defend the great state in which I’ve lived for almost half a century. I’m going to do this by dispelling many of the myths surrounding Oklahoma which persist in the national consciousness.

Myth #1 – Oklahoma is desolate and barren.

When people think of Oklahoma they often conjure up mental images straight from Steinbeck’s “The Grapes of Wrath.”  They envision Oklahoma as flat, featureless, and unappealing.  This couldn’t be further from the truth. Here’s a photo of the state line on one of our many scenic highways taken directly from an Oklahoma tourism website:

Myth #2 – Oklahoma is full of uneducated, stupid people

Oklahoma is home to companies like Boeing, American Airlines, and Williams Communications. Technology and engineering are key components in Oklahoma’s economy. In 1957 a group of Oklahoma engineers designed a time-capsule in which a brand new Plymouth Belvedere was buried:

 Here it is when it was unearthed earlier this summer. Isn’t it beautiful!?

Myth #3 – Oklahoma is a right-wing state

Oklahoma may be a little “red” around the edges but the state is actually a bastion of progressive thought, tolerance, and liberal idealism. After all, Oklahoma is the home of beloved Senator James Inhofe who has voted against stem cell research, voted for a constitutional ban on gay marriage, and who, as the unbiased chairman of the Senate Committee on the Environment and Public Works, was quoted as saying “Global warming is the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people.”

Myth #4 – Oklahoma is full of Cowboys and Indians

Perhaps it’s all those old TV westerns but people seem to think that everyone rides horses in Oklahoma and that Indians in headdresses roam the plains in search of bison. This picture (that was snapped on a cell phone a couple of weeks ago when I picked Jamie up from her job at Sonic drive-in) is not indicative of how most people commute in Oklahoma:

And as for Indians, I don’t know what you’re talking about:

Fun facts to know about Oklahoma:

1.  The term “Sooner” refers to people who cheated during the Oklahoma land run. Isn’t it great that our state nickname comes from people who committed land fraud?

2. Oklahoma is the birthplace of noted humorist Will Rogers who said such memorable things as; “Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.” Do you think Will Rogers is funny? Neither do I.

Actually, I love Oklahoma, and I love Tulsa in particular. I don’t believe anyone who says that Oklahoma is nothing but a dried up oil patch, and here’s a photo of the largest sculpture in Tulsa to prove it:

Happy 100^th Oklahoma!

 ORAL ROBERTS UNIVERSITY:

A fabulous publication called The Wittenburg Door* once asked the poignant question; “is Oral Roberts ok between consenting adults?”

This remains a hotly debated topic among theologians, and leads us into today’s topic: ORU, what the f*%k are you thinking?

Since 1965, ORU has stood proudly on the south Tulsa skyline; serving as a beacon to students from across the globe and as the nation’s premier example of the George Jetson school of architecture. 

Those of us who are not part of the ORU collective have always affectionately referred to ORU as “Six Flags Over Jesus” while scheming to someday put a giant cigarette between the fingers of the Praying Hands sculpture which sits at the entrance to the campus.

ORU has a history of being embroiled in controversy. The most famous examples came in 1977 when Oral said a 900 ft. tall Jesus told him to build the City of Faith Medical Complex and again in 1987 when Oral said that God had told him that unless his followers donated eight million dollars immediately, God would kill him.

I’ve always assumed this meant that God was actually a loan shark working for the mob.

If you’re a Tulsan that travels a lot like I do, you prefer it when ORU keeps a low profile and stays out of the news. This is because when people learn you are from Tulsa you typically get comments like, “bumped into a 900 ft. tall Jesus lately?” or “Tulsa huh? I saw the movie they filmed there: Godzilla vs. the 900 ft. tall Jesus.”  These jokes cease to be funny after the first couple of hundred times you hear them, so many Tulsans are little sensitive to ORU being linked to Tulsa in the national consciousness.

Mercifully, ORU has been keeping a relatively low profile since they shipped Oral off to the home for crazy televangelists in Newport Beach, California and Oral’s son Richard has been President of the University. That all changed this week when three former professors from ORU sued the University for wrongful termination. The lawsuit contained a huge laundry list of allegations such as students being forced to work in the campaign of a local Republican Mayoral candidate, full ride scholarships being given to 13 friends of the President’s daughter who did not even qualify academically to attend the University, University professors being forced to do the homework of the President’s children, and huge misappropriations of University funds including: the Robert’s home being remodeled 11 times in 14 years (including a 2000 sq ft. walk in closet for Robert’s wife), the University plane being used to take the Robert’s daughter and her friends on a senior trip to the Bahamas, and a $39,000.00 bill for clothing at one Tulsa store charged by Robert’s wife.

I realize that religious personalities having extravagant lifestyles and misusing donated money is old news. After all, ORU doesn’t have a Christian waterslide like Jim and Tammy Faye did, but it still bugs me.

My diabetic and cancer ridden grandmother who lived on a tiny fixed income routinely sent what little money she had to ORU because they hounded her relentlessly for a “seed faith gift.” My grandmother’s tiny rented house would have fit quite easily inside Lindsay Robert’s walk-in closet.

(Also, once when I was in seminary, I went to the ORU library to do some research and got thrown out because I wasn’t wearing a tie. That always pissed me off too, but the example I gave above is much nobler sounding)

The three professors aren’t suing for millions of dollars as one might expect. They are each suing for $10,000.00 in actual damages and $10,000.00 in punitive damages. Their primary goal is to shed a little light on a University administration whose stated purpose is to “shine the light of Christ around the world.”

It seems they are already successful.

WHO AM I, AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Conventional wisdom states that men tend to be defined by their work and that women tend to be defined by their relationships. For example: I’m in sales, so people typically define me as “a sleazy, overbearing, bad-suit-wearing, insincere, Herb Tarleck wannabe,” while my wife, who happens to be both brilliant and gorgeous, is generally defined as “a woman who could have done much better for herself in the marriage department.” 

Is this culturally passé method of defining people appropriate? In the case of the two examples cited above, absolutely; but in general, I believe it creates problems for both the “defined” and the “definee.”

Allow me to break this discussion down into three sections: Is it true? Is it productive? And, is it possible to change?

Is it true?

Do men and women really define themselves differently? In order to determine this, I did a highly scientific study in which I clicked randomly on the profiles of fellow Xangaites. Within the first ten clicks on the sites of women, I found the following “self-descriptions” in the opening line of their profiles: Parent, Caregiver, Trophy Wife, and Crazy Jewish Mother.  Within the first ten clicks on the sites of men I found: Cowboy, Fireman, Beer Connoisseur, and Sex God.

This proves conclusively that conventional wisdom is true, and (as in the case of final male example) that serious self-delusion may also be a factor.

Is it productive?

For women, if the relationships in their lives are going well, they can pride themselves on investing their energy in having a positive and lasting impact on the lives of the people they love. If the relationships in their lives are going badly, there is always the risk that they could descend into a spiral of shame and self loathing over why they ever wasted their time on that “lying, two-timing, tiny-dicked, asshole.”

For men, if their jobs are going well, they can pride themselves on their achievements and bask in the adulation of their peers. If their jobs are going badly, there is always the risk that they might be fired and then return later to their place of business with an automatic weapon.

Is it possible to change?

Probably not.

I will admit that I’m not always defined by my job. People often forget my name and refer to me as Jordan’s dad or Kathy’s husband. This is because my son and my wife are both extraordinary people and compared to them I am a monument to mediocrity. But I’m not bitter about this…really…I’m not.

In all seriousness, when we define ourselves by a narrow set of criteria we short-change who we really are, and we when define others by the same narrow set of criteria we short-change who they really are.  I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately because of the work situation I described in my last post.  I’ve been allowing the time commitments and the stress at work to affect both my personality and my priorities. I’ve been so focused on work that I’ve found myself coming home and talking to my wife like she’s an errant employee. My son and his wife also bought their first home six months ago and I haven’t been down to see it yet. Both of the above are pretty awful.

I’m trying to remind myself daily that work is not who I am, it’s what I do. It’s not my life, it simply finances it. There’s a big difference.

Well, clicking on all those profiles has shown me that I need to go back and update mine. I want it to be truly indicative of who I am so I’m definitely going to add “sex god.”

WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION

I have a confession to make. During my hiatus from Xanga I wasn’t actually holed up in a Mexican prison on bizarre animal molestation charges (at least not for the whole summer).

In reality I was…

…working on a series of “House of Bush” action figures including; Rumsfeld, Gonzales, and Rove.The figures were the type that say something when you pull a cord with a ring on it. Rumsfeld said “I don’t do diplomacy,” Gonzales said “I don’t recall,” and Rove just laughed like Satan. The problem was that they only worked if Bush pulled their string. <rimshot>

Ok, that’s not really what I’ve been doing.

In reality I was…

…working as a script writer for OJ’s new live-action drama set in Las Vegas. My riveting script has been getting a lot of air play and I’m a little worried about it getting stolen. So just let me say that if any of you motherf*&*rs think you can steal my sh*t and get a way with it, I’m going to back your motherf%$#ing a$$ up against the wall and put a bullet in your motherf&*#ing head.

Ok, that’s not really what I’ve been doing.

In reality I was…

…making a video tape in which I express my displeasure over the mistreatment of the greatest gift ever given to the world.

Ok, Ok, Ok…that’s not really what I’ve been doing.

In reality I was…

Working.

I wish it could be something more glamorous than that, but it is what it is. I think I’ve mentioned that my sales for last year SUCKED. Well, this year I’ve been able to turn that around. The problem with the contracting business is that once you sell something, you actually have to do the work. The last three or four months have been a nightmare. I shouldn’t complain; I can actually afford to eat most of the time now, but our company’s resources have been stretched to the point that we’ve had to perform several company-wide episiotomies just to get through the summer.

I could have easily worked 100-hour weeks all summer long and still not made a dent in what needed to be done. There were a couple of times this summer I almost walked off the job never to return, but my mortgage holder kept calling me to remind me that it probably wasn’t a good idea.

The stress at work has been slowly turning me into someone I don’t like very much, and I’ll probably write more about that later. However, the good news is that we are in a short lull in the storm and I’m beginning to feel more like myself again…

…a truly juvenile and sophomoric excuse for an adult male.

I want to say thank you to everyone who has encouraged (threatened) me to come back to Xangaland. I’ve missed it, and I’ve missed all of you.

Mark asked me to post a quick entry and let everyone know that he isn’t dead. He also asked me to extend his profound appreciation to those who have expressed a hope that he will return soon to Xanga-land.

His return may be delayed a few weeks longer, however. Earlier this summer, during a short vacation in Tijuana, Mark was involved in an unfortunate misunderstanding involving a donkey, a young woman that certainly looked older than 17, and three ounces of a Bolivian export that he swears he was just holding for a friend.

He wanted to post this himself, but the Federales won’t let him have internet access until after his extradition hearing.

Until then, Mark wants everyone to know that he is comfortable, that he is being treated humanely, and that he has gotten relatively used to the routine body cavity searches.

Sincerely,

F. Lee Bailey