June 16, 2012

• VEGAS BABY!!!

  So…. 

  I’ve been in Vegas most of this week for a major trade show. I just got back to my hotel room after a “company dinner” and I feel that I should state for the record that there is a HIGH probability that I’m EXTREMELY intoxicated while typing this (1). 

  My company’s corporate offices are in Las Vegas so I come here several times a year. However, I live in Oklahoma and I am so naive that bringing me to Vegas is like taking Barney the Dinosaur to the Chicken Ranch (2). Therefore, I tend to make comments that reveal to my Vegas coworkers that every stereotype they have heard about about how stupid midwesterners are is completely accurate.   

  For example, I made a comment earlier today about how many fat, bald, middle aged men I had seen strolling through the casinos with stunningly beautiful young women on their arms. I said something like; “all the bright lighting must impair these women’s vision.” My coworkers patted me sympathetically on the head and then, speaking to me the way you would while trying to explain calculus to a dog, explained to me the monetary arrangement behind these “less-than-conventional” couples. Although they claimed no personal experience, they went on to explain (in vivid detail) the pricing structure involved in this monetary arrangement. All I can say is that after as many rum and cokes as I’ve had tonight, I can pee on myself for a lot less than $2,000.00, thank you very much (not that I’m into that sort of thing.)

  My naivete has also left me baffled by a couple of things. First; a couple of nights ago a manufacturer took four of us from my company to dinner at the “Tao” restaurant at the Venetian. This is an absurdly overpriced restaurant that serves Wagyu beef at $85.00 an ounce. I don’t know what the final tab was but I’m pretty sure we could all have had a “less-than-conventional date” for a lot less money. While we were waiting to be seated, a young woman walked in wearing a white mini dress that came just a fraction of an inch below the point at which we all would have know whether she dyed her hair or not (if you catch my drift). After standing around for a few minutes she went over to sit down directly across from us. For no other reason than wishing to observe the gymnastics that she was going to have to perform to sit down in that dress, we watched the young woman take a seat. In case you’re wondering, the mystery was solved…she was not a natural blond. 

  WHY WOULD A WOMAN GO OUT IN PUBLIC LIKE THAT?!?!?! (3) 

  Based on the group she was with, this girl did not appear to be for rent. I guess I should look no farther than the infamous photos of Britney Spears getting out of that car a couple of years ago. Apparently, you simply reach a point that you’ve spent so much money on the dress that you simply can’t afford underwear. So you’ll be happy to know that being the altruistic group of guys that we were, we took up a collection for her. I still don’t understand why she slapped us when we were told her what the money was for.  

  The second thing I don’t understand is breast implants that are large enough to have a label on the side of them that says “in the event of a water landing, these babies can be used as a flotation device.” They are EVERYWHERE out here. I realize that I’m in the male minority when I say this, but if you are 5’ 2” tall and weigh 90 lbs, 36” triple-D boobs look a tad out of place. This does not occur in nature unless, perhaps, you were exposed to high radiation levels at Chernobyl. Mutant cyborg breasts look stupid ladies…stop it (4). 

  I called it a night pretty early this evening so I could get back to the hotel and try and sleep this off before I get on a plane in the morning. I just hope that in my current condition I don’t do something stupid like try and blog. I wouldn’t want to embarrass myself (5). 

  1. Friends don’t let friends drink and blog
  2. “I love you, you love me, damn this hooker’s butt ugly.”
  3. Please note this is a hypothetical question. I don’t really want to know. 
  4. 36” double-D’s are plenty big enough. 
  5. Yes, I know. That ship sailed a LONG time ago. 

  • 1:52 am
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