GOD TOLD ME…
My secretary tapped on my office door inside the First Baptist Church of small town Oklahoma, peeked inside, and said “Mrs. Blackwood is here to see you.” Then, making sure only I could see her, she rolled her eyes and backed out of the doorway, leaving room for my visitor to slip past her. I invited Mrs. Blackwood to come in and set down while I tried unsuccessfully to suppress a guilty grin.
“God has been speaking to me” she began in an incredibly condescending tone, “and he wants me to tell you that he disapproves of the post-prom party you are planning for the youth group.”
“Really? and exactly what is it he disapproves of?” “Well” she replied, “by having the party start after the prom rather than having it during the prom you are implying that the church feels it is acceptable for young christian men and women to dance together in a lascivious manner.” I attempted to counter by saying that, at least in my own personal experience, it was what happened after the prom that usually got kids in trouble and that to the best of my knowledge no one had ever actually gotten pregnant while on the dance floor.
“I don’t appreciate your cavalier attitude young man. I intend to bring this up to the church board, have the party cancelled, and see that you are disciplined.” “In the future” she continued, “perhaps you should spend more time in prayer and personal Bible study so that you can more accurately discern the will of God.”
“Thank you for your concern, and for sharing your opinion, Mrs. Blackwood. However, if God wants to tell me something I imagine he would speak directly to me.”
I know this sounds like a scene from the movie “Footloose” but it’s actually a scene out of my life in the ministry, circa 1987.
The scene above repeated itself in many, many different transmutations over the course of the 17 years I was a minister. Which is why, even today, if I hear someone start a sentence by saying “God told me” I turn my back away from that person because I figure I’m about to get fucked in the ass.
“Bitter much?” I hear you say. No…not so much bitter as I am incredibly world weary of the ways that people use religion to justify and promote their personal agendas. That is a subject I’ve beaten to death in this blog and there is no reason to beat a dead Sunday School Quarterly again. I only bring it up because of a response I got to my last entry.
It happens every time my blog is on the front page. My liberal leanings make somebody want to try and save me. I received the comment below on my last entry:
I’m sending an important message to people from Jehovah God that is in the Bible: “And my holy name I will make known… and I will not suffer my holy name to be profaned any more: and the nations shall have to know that I am Jehovah.” (Ezekiel 39:7) (YLT)
Well, god dammit, I’d better straighten up and fly right.
(What can I say, Mrs. Blackwood could never get me to change my cavalier attitude.)
While I’m sure the author of that comment has only the best of intentions I imagine they would be highly surprised to learn that I’m still on a church staff even if it is a volunteer position.
We’re a weird little church. We try and feed a lot of people. We try and provide clothes to a lot of people. And we could care less what color you are, what language you speak, what your political affiliation is, or who you sleep with. We don’t proselytize, and we don’t point fingers. Most of all, we have lots of fun, and the best part may be that my pastor is my best friend and my best drinking buddy. As far as I’m concerned it doesn’t get any better than that.
That doesn’t make my “brand” of religion any better than anyone else’s, but I can say that I never start a sentence with “God told me.”
I might start a sentence with “My bartender told me” but it won’t mean I’m about to fuck you in the ass.
Comments (19)
Gosh, I wish I could find a weird little church like yours!
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!
I am still laughing my ass off!!!!
your church sounds like fun stuff
i got that comment, too
wait a minute. i thought only catholics partied with their pastors. after all, protestants don’t DRINK.
I know this will surprise a lot of people, but I have actually slogged thru the book known as The Bible a few times, and I honestly don’t recall where it said that the will of God is to shove sticks up our asses and be the most miserable human beings we can be during our time here on earth. I sincerely hope that people like your Mrs Blackwood are in for a bit of a surprise come Judgment Day. Particularly when they’re not invited to the post judgment dance.
God told me to tell you that it’s “whom you sleep with,” not “who.” God hates bad grammar.
Nice! Still haven’t found a church here that I like. I’m afraid of sticks.
I grew up in a “Footloose” kind of church. Thankfully, the congregation (of the same church) which I now attend is much more normal, although still not “down” with the alcohol.
My husband recently severed ties with a business partner who tried to rule the partnership with her little two way chats with the Big Guy. It seems God had some suspect ideas that he shared with her.
Wow, how wonderful it would be to be part of a church like that. You might recall that I, too, was in the ministry, though for only 13 years. I’m still recovering from that, I think, and more clueless about God than ever.
I remember when I was an 18-year-old freshman at a small Baptist university in Texas. At our very first chapel service, they separated the boys and girls, and one of the deans (a woman) told us gals, “If a boy is interested in you and says that God told him that you two are going to get married, then RUN AWAY as fast as you can!” Of course, we all laughed, but she couldn’t have been more serious. Some people will even use God to get inside your pants.
That’s the kind of crap that gets featured on the front page!?!?!
ha ha, just kidding. (-:
I saw that comment and though maybe a robot left it. A robot with a fundamentalist agenda, as it seemed to actually have nothing to do with your blog… People are crazy, though, which is why I stay home most of the time and don’t answer my cell phone.
I do love our church. Whenever my mom and sister and brother bemoan the state of religion in their own personal burbs I wish wish wish they all lived here and could come to Yale because YACC is awesome. So much love! Did you read my super long blog about talking to the Baptist preacher at the camp we went to over the 4th? And then the Sunday we were back MIke preached that amazing sermon. It was nice to be home!
Did you buy land?
If I could only find a church such as the one you describe……and people who aren’t only “Christians” on Sunday, at service, until they leave the parking lot….
You would likely describe me as one of those “Footloose” types, but I agree that the phrase “God told me” ought to be avoided at all costs. If I don’t agree with something, it seems fair to me to say “I don’t agree wtih this” but I don’t try to buttress the weight of my opinion by deluding myself that I speak on behalf of the Almighty. You are so right that He is entirely capable of getting your attention as needed.
I certainly hope that if you should ever speak to me and should you preface any sentence with “And my bartender told me..” I would more likely expect some booze and advice than a poke in the back. But…the element of surprise does work wonders!
@transvestite_rabbit -
best comment ever.
Last time someone started a sentence to me with “God told me” I was in the nuthouse. So what does that tell you?
BRAVO, weeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllll said!
I listened to “God told me” for 3 years. It was ex-hubby’s favorite saying – until he left me for a married woman. God doesn’t seem to speaking to him much anymore.
You said:
“We’re a weird little church. We try and feed a lot of people. We try and provide clothes to a lot of people. And we could care less what color you are, what language you speak, what your political affiliation is, or who you sleep with. We don’t proselytize, and we don’t point fingers. Most of all, we have lots of fun, and the best part may be that my pastor is my best friend and my best drinking buddy. As far as I’m concerned it doesn’t get any better than that. “
You may have no idea just how weird your little church is. After 5 years of doctoral research on the subject of religion and attitudes, the overwhelming consensus of the data is that more relatiousness = more authoritarian attitudes, more prejudice towards outgroups (particularly racial and sexual outgroups) and more condemnation. I haven’t measured it directly, but I would bet my degree on it equating to a whole helluva lot less fun too.
The people who avoid those associations are “quest” oriented, and are exactly as you described. Usually people who’ve undergone exposure to the best and worst that organized religion has to offer and who now have a more “relax, don’t freak out, have a beer and let’s talk about this stuff” attitude towards religion (and other things, to boot.)
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It still amazes me how much our lives parallel, Dad. You spent a large portion of your young adulthood doing great work in an overly oppressive environment. Taking youngsters who were in this environment and showing them that there were other ways that didn’t involve bending over and taking it. I’m on my 9th year here, and see my life very similarly these days.