I had to get my portrait made for a company thing awhile back. I hate these kinds of photos because I always look constipated in them, so I thought I’d reveal what I was thinking when the picture was taken:

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

CHRISTMAS HERE AT THE NURSING HOME

I remember Christmases as a small child – the house awash in the glow of twinkle lights, brightly wrapped presents under the tree, mom on antipsychotic drugs, and my uncle Fred coming to visit, getting plastered and wandering naked into the street in front of our house at 3:00 a.m.  Those are the Hallmark moments that we all cherish during the holidays.

This year, however, I got a small glimpse into what Christmas will be like when I’m in the nursing home.

My wife and I have been empty-nesters for awhile now. My son and his wife live in Texas, and my stepdaughter and her husband live in Indiana. They both are trying to keep multiple sets of parents happy by spending 80% of their holidays in the car driving from obligation to obligation. This year it worked out so that neither of our kids could be here for Christmas day. I’m not upset with them…my son drove 10 hours out of his way to come and see me a few days prior to Christmas, and my Step Daughter and her husband will be here the day after tomorrow. They’ve certainly gone above and beyond, but it was sad that neither of them could be here on Christmas Day.

<cue sappy violin music>

I was an only child, and my parents have both been gone for 20 years. I don’t have any aunts, uncles, or grandparents left either. I have some cousins that are scattered around the country, but my immediate family is all gone. Therefore we don’t have to worry about going to see my relatives for the holidays…they have all wandered into the street naked for the last time. My wife has a mother and two sisters here in town, but they were all busy with their families on Christmas day and we were not invited to their festivities, so…we spent Christmas by ourselves.

My wife and I had made an agreement not to exchange gifts this year, so we slept late on Christmas morning, went to go see the new Bond movie, ate dinner at TGIF Friday’s, and came home and watched “The Aristocrats”  – a documentary about the world’s filthiest joke.  It was a very nice day, but not what you think of particularly when you think of Christmas.

So, I can see it now.  Twenty five years from now, my wife and I will be spending our Christmases emptying each other’s bed pans at the nursing home while our children sit around and bitch and moan about the fact that their kids can’t come see them at Christmas.

Christmas was not a total loss though. For old time’s sake, I got plastered and wandered into the street naked at 3:00 a.m.

I hope you’re having a great Christmas wherever you are Uncle Fred.

HAVE YOU EVER DONE ANYTHING AT THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY THAT YOU KNEW YOU WOULD END UP REGRETING?

YEAH, ME TOO…

I LIKE TO HIT MYSELF IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER BECAUSE IT FEELS SO GOOD WHEN I QUIT

Is there someone in your life that makes you completely insane? Is there someone you deal with on a daily basis who rubs you the wrong way to such a degree that you fantasize about running over them with a truck and then backing up to see what you hit…repeatedly? If such a person exists in your life; does simply seeing them walk into the room make you want to reach for the bottle of Jack Daniels that you have hidden in your bottom-right desk drawer? Have you ever pasted a picture of such a person on the side of a milk carton for the sheer joy of imagining that they have come up missing?

Such a person exists in my life, so bring on the truck, the Jack, and the milk carton…I need them all right now.

We hired a new individual at my office. He’s been here about two months now. I won’t divulge his position but I have to deal with this person very closely on all of my projects.

Just today this person has:

• Sent me 23 emails
• Brought up the same concern about a particular project 6 times
• Ask me how to do his job 3 times
• Called my extension 12 times (per my call log)
• Displayed an almost superhuman inability to grasp the simplest of concepts.

The office pool says he’ll be gone by Valentines Day; I’m praying for New Years.

I hate that I let this guy bring out this reaction in me, but I swear to God that hitting myself in the head with a hammer is more fun than having a conversation with him and is twice as productive.

I’m not making this up…as I was typing that last paragraph; he walked up to my office door and asked me how to do his job again. So…I guess I should quit posting on Xanga and get back to doing his work for him.

I’m fine, really…I’m fine

<reaches slowly for the Jack>

 Wes Hale, Good Lords and Ladies Faire!

I direct a little choral ensemble at my church. We get our Christmas program out of the way early every year so we can spend the remainder of the month going to Christmas parties and getting snookered on eggnog. On Sunday night we did a Madrigal dinner and had a lot of fun with it. We had Jesters, Knights, Maidens in Distress, Saucy Wenches, and since I was on crutches, I came as Sir Gimpalot. I give you -

The Cast:

Gimpy as his Faire Maiden:

Tulsa is currently under siege by an enemy so dangerous, so insidious, so fiendishly clever, so flaky white, that I can barely bring myself to utter its name, and yet I must…

SNOW

(Insert scary music) AAAARRRRGGHHHH!!!!!!

At least that’s the way most Tulsans are acting this morning. We got 10.5” of the white stuff overnight and the city is shut down even though there isn’t a cloud in the sky this morning and the temperature is climbing back up above freezing.

We don’t get much snow in Tulsa; perhaps three or four snow falls a year that only last a day or two, so people go absolutely insane when it does snow. Not only do people go insane, but snow brings out the stupid in people here in Tulsa like nothing else does.

I find that there are three distinct sub-sets of this kind of stupidity:

Stupidity sub-set # 1

Everyone who lives in Oklahoma is required by law to own at least one pickup truck with a gun rack in the back. You are exempt from this law only if you are a soccer mom driving a mini-van. The trouble with pickups is that unless they are 4X4’s they suck on snow. Mini-Vans don’t fair much better and yet every bubba in his F-150, and every velour sweat-suited Barbie in her Chrysler Town and Country HAD to get out on the roads this morning, and 98% of them were stuck in ditches as I drove into work.  Apparently the latest edition of National Enquirer or TV Guide had hit the stands and they couldn’t wait to get their copy (I’m so glad I’m above stereotyping my fellow Oklahomans).

Stupidity sub-set # 2

If you don’t own a 2WD truck or a mini-van in Oklahoma you are probably one of those people who do own a 4WD SUV or a Hummer. I don’t know if there are many Hummers on the road where you live, but they are EVERYWHERE in Tulsa. (Side note: There’s even a limo company here in town that has a stretch hummer. They have my favorite Billboard in Tulsa. It has a picture of the vehicle with a caption that reads: “Everyone wants a nice long Hummer”). These people think that simply because they have a 4WD vehicle they have nothing to fear and they zoom past you on the snow and ice at 70 mph.  These people should be shot with the guns resting in the gun racks of those in Stupidity sub-set #1.

Stupidity sub-set # 3

There is a guy in my office who is absolutely the stupidest person I’ve ever met. Even though only four other people from our company made it work today, he came in despite the fact that he fell off a ladder last week, broke his ankle, and is on crutches. Can you imagine being stupid enough to get out on the ice while you’re on crutches?!?!?

…oh, wait a minute…that’s me.