March 30, 2005

• HALL OF SHAME

  
  

   

  
  

  I saw an AP wire story today about Jerry Falwell being hospitalized in critical condition, battling viral pneumonia. I hate for anyone to be sick and I wish old Jerry the best, but it got me thinking about a sub-set of humanity, a group of individuals so vile, so completely devoid of basic human decency that it’s hard to talk about them without fighting back rising bile. I’m speaking, of course, about television evangelists. I truly believe that Dante should have included a special level in hell for many of them.  So I thought I’d list a few of my all time “favorites” and tell you what “level” of Dante’s inferno I think should be waiting for them.

  
  

   

  
  

  Jerry Falwell – Since I started with Falwell, I’ll elaborate. Jerry is the king of making wildly offensive comments. Let’s begin with how Jerry and the Moral Majority have fought the equal rights amendment, and how Jerry has made such eloquent statements regarding women as: “I listen to feminists and all these radical gals. These women just need a man in the house. That’s all they need. Most of the feminists need a man to tell them what time of day it is and to lead them home. And they blew it and they’re mad at all men. Feminists hate men. They’re sexist. They hate men; that’s their problem.”  However, his most inappropriate comments came two days after the tragic events of 9/11.  He made the following two comments about who he thought was “responsible” for the attacks: “God allowed the enemies of America to give us probably what we deserve.” and “The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say: you helped this happen.  Dante’s level of hell: Jerry should spend all of eternity forced to guest star as a gay neighbor on episodes of Will and Grace.

  
  

   

  
  

  Great side note:  One of my best friends was an English professor at Lynchburg College for many years. This school is in the same town as the infamous Liberty University founded by Jerry Falwell. Liberty did not have a complete core curriculum and had to send their students over to Lynchburg College to take classes in order for Liberty to be able to offer accredited degrees. My friend said the faculty at L.C. referred to the students from Liberty as “Jerry’s Kids.”

  
  

   

  
  

  Oral Roberts – I live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. This is the home of Oral Roberts University, affectionately referred to by locals as “Six Flags Over Jesus.”  My problems with Oral began when my grandmother became convinced that she really needed to send half of her social security money to Oral every month, which basically left her living in poverty.  That was her choice, however, and I could live with that until an incident occurred which involved my cousin. He worked in the mail room at the university and was processing form letters one day from Oral to his “Seed Faith Partners.”  In the letter, Oral stated that he had been in the prayer tower at a specific date and time and that God had given him a vision stating that all seed faith partners needed to send in extra money. The only problem was that my cousin was processing those letters prior to the date and time Oral had said he received the vision. My cousin called a local news station, which came out and interviewed him on camera concerning the letters. Needless to say, my cousin no longer works for ORU. The final straw was when Oral stated that he had seen a 900 foot tall Jesus who told him that if supporters didn’t raise eight million dollars by a specific date, that God was going to “call him home.”  I’m sorry, but threatening your own death in order to guilt people into sending in money is below contempt.  Dante’s level of hell: Oral’s level of hell should be one in which he is constantly chased and stepped on by his 900 foot tall Jesus – kind of like being chased for all eternity by the cool aid guy.

  
  

   

  
  

  Benny Hinn – I really don’t have a problem with Benny other than the fact that he has sported the worst comb over in all of television history. Yes, even worse than Donald Trump’s. Dante’s level of hell: Benny’s level of hell should be one in which there is no hair spray.

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  Jim Bakker – Criminal tax evasion, Christian water slide, Jessica Hahn, Tammy Faye – enough said.  Dante’s level of hell: Jim should have to spend all of eternity looking at Tammy with no makeup.  

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  And the eighth level of hell is reserved for:

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  Robert Tilton – This level of hell is reserved for the most vile Television Evangelist of all time; Robert Tilton.  In his heyday, Robert was raking in approximately 80 million dollars a year through his direct mail campaigns and through his television show in which he espouses a “prosperity doctrine”; the basic tenant of which is “if you give money to me, God will make you rich.”  His downfall came in 1991 in which a Prime Time Live segment showed thousands of letters from contributors thrown in a trash dumpster here in Tulsa. Apparently, he was telling his audience that every prayer request they sent in was being prayed over. The truth was that he was instructing office workers to take the cash and checks out of the envelopes and throw the letters in the trash. In an obvious testament to the utter stupidity of at least a portion of the evangelical community, Robert is back at it again. He is now broadcasting out of Florida where he recently purchased a 50 foot yacht and a 1.3 million dollar ocean-front lot to build a home on. His income is back in the 25 million a year range and is climbing daily.  While I’m being silly about there being a level in hell for the evangelists I listed above, I truly believe this man deserves it.

  
  

   

  
  

  Do I think all Television Evangelists are vile, money grubbing, immoral, scumbags? Not at all. In fact, one of my personal heroes is a television evangelist; the one, the only, the man, the myth, the legend – Billy Graham.

  
  

   

  
  

  Billy Graham – Mr. Graham is the ultimate “class act”.  His ministry now spans more than 50 years, and in that time there has not been even a hint of scandal.  The Billy Graham Evangelistic Association takes in millions of dollars annually, but the yearly salary that Mr. Graham takes from that association has never even broken the one hundred thousand dollar mark. Looking like you might think God himself looks, Billy could have exploited his enormous popularity for personal or political gain, yet he remains incredibly humble and soft spoken. Even though he has supported many Republican causes, he has never courted the religious right, and the message he preaches today is the same one he preached in the eight week crusade in Los Angles in 1949 that launched his career. Billy will always stand as the ultimate example of what every evangelist, television, or otherwise should be. I think there’s a special place in heaven for Mr. Graham.

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  (Note: Before I get lots of angry comments, I don’t really think these people should go to hell. They should go to Arkansas, it’s much worse)

  • 11:13 am
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