March 23, 2005
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FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES
My job requires me to travel…..a lot. On average, I make about 45 round-trip flights a year. People often comment that getting to travel all the time must be “great fun.” I respond that it’s great fun in the same way that a colonoscopy might be considered great fun. The next time you’re on a flight, look for me. I’m the guy in the rumpled business suit with a half empty cup of Starbuck’s coffee, a dog-eared paperback, and a perpetually dazed look on my face caused by excruciating boredom and the sugar rush I just got from having a Cinnabon for dinner.
I fly Southwest Airlines most of the time. I can tell you that there are 46 aisle seats and 138 total seats on a Southwest Boeing 737. By counting the number of people that deplane as I’m getting ready to board, and referencing that number against what boarding group I’m in and the number of people in front of me in that group, I can calculate my chances of getting an aisle seat to within a couple of percentage points. Doesn’t the fact that I actually do that make me, pretty much, the most pathetic human being you’ve ever heard of?
If any of you are thinking about flying somewhere for vacation this year, please allow me to share some observations and advice from a “jaded business traveler” point of view.
- If you’re one of those people who have a tiny ear bud on your cell phone, so that you walk around the airport appearing to have loud animated conversations with absolutely no one – you look like an idiot – stop it.
- If you’re a 45 year old man and you just happen to get seated next to the cute little college coed cheerleader on her way to a game somewhere – your pathetic attempts to chat her up are failing miserably. Although the gagging motions she is making to her friends when your head is turned are pretty funny.
- If you are irritated by toddlers on planes that cry, and find it necessary to either complain about it loudly or berate the poor mother for her lack of parenting skills, you need to realize that their little ears hurt and they don’t understand why. You also need to realize that you are a jerk.
- Carry-on luggage is supposed to be small. If you bring your water skis on the plane with you and try to shove them into the tiny little overhead bin directly above where I am sitting, I reserve the right to beat you to death with those water skis.
- The security people are just doing their job, deal with it. If you get embarrassed because they opened your carry-on luggage and discovered your wide assortment of motorized sex toys, you should have been smart enough to check them.
- (Another comment for males) If you insist on calling the female flight attendant “sweetheart”, “sugar”, or “honey”, please understand that although she may be smiling at you, she is not amused or flattered. In fact, she is actually fantasizing about stabbing you in the neck with one of those flimsy plastic knives.
I could go on and on, but I’ve got to stop typing on my laptop because we are making our final descent and my tray table needs to be in its full, upright, and locked position. Besides, I think the coed in the next seat is finally starting to warm up to me.
- If you’re one of those people who have a tiny ear bud on your cell phone, so that you walk around the airport appearing to have loud animated conversations with absolutely no one – you look like an idiot – stop it.
Comments (17)
Happy landing!!! I’ve never flown
but I would imagine with all the new
security(?) measures, it is not too
pleasant an experience!
hm, does this mean i shouldn’t have been giving the death glare to the mom sitting behind me with the kid kicking my seat for five hours? are we allowed to smack the people in front of us who insist on reclining their seats from start to finish, making your tray impale your stomach? is it okay to request a drool bib when a muscular hottie is sitting across from you and his biceps flex every time he smacks the reclining people in front of him?
*snerk* I travel on planes way too much for a twenty-something, and I totally agree. Being a tall, gangly person, I can not stand when people insist on reclining all the way back, hit my knees, then kinda shove back a little more, thinking that those two roundish projections can’t be connected to a person, but must be a malfunction in the chair. Gah. It’s this kinda thing that makes driving from Waco to D.C. for my summer job appealing.
This made me laugh. All rings very true.
RYC: thanks for the validation! I look forward to reading more.
What about the 14 year old hick boy that has no concept of personal space and continuously yells “Hey Paw!” to a man 3 rows up that obviously can’t hear anything? Is it okay to want to beat him with the portable DVD player he bought solely to be able watch Blue Collar Comedy?
I’ve found myself traveling by air more recently, which makes me appreciate those times when I’m on the open road, in control of my own vehicle and able to enjoy the scenery up close and personal. I’m so glad that I’ve only been on planes with the smiling, adorable babies that don’t seem bothered by cabin pressure and like to look over at me and smile. Although, if you’ll note my last entry, I have gotten up close and personal with a window as the result of a rather large seatmate.
Conversely, I fly about once every 45 years; my favorite being the flight out of New Orleans with a plane full of half-dead, hungover people. (such a contrast to the flight in !) When the stewardess started pointing out the exits and emergency paraphernalia, a charming woman from Kentucky and I matched her motion for motion. I would have laughed were it not for the fear that my head would explode.
Heh. I enjoyed those. I fly frequently and think I’ve met everyone of those you “interesting” people you described. I wanna add one. … If you have to raise the arm rest just so you can have room to sit in the seat…then you should try another airline other than SW.
I once had an oversized man sit next to me. ( I had the window seat thank goodness.) When I pulled out my magazine to read, he leaned my way and literally began reading with me. I did what any quick thinking female would do….I pretended like I was going to throw up from air sickness. He leaned the other way and began watching the man on his other side type on his laptop. It not only worked, but I received drinks and attention from the flight attendants.
I have travelled alot recently for work, but my work can’t afford plane tickets, so driving it is! Well…at least with driving I can sing really loud at the top of my lungs and only be embarrassed by the few people driving by.
yes the joys of flying are never ending indeed
random props for a non teen liberal!!!!!
hehe, It’s been a while since i was on SW. Do they still tell bad jokes over the PA system?
I sure don’t miss my days riding the company plane (SWA) all over Texas. My job changed right after 9/11 and I stopped getting approximately 3 free tickets a month.
I wanted to make sure you knew about the Southwest Airlines seat reservation system that I designed when I was flying. If you want to keep the seat next to you vacant, just reach into the seat back cover and remove the “Reservation System” bag that is cleaverly marked “barf bag” and hold it to your mouth while taking deep breaths and looking like you are going to ralph.
This has kept given me many miles of flying with room to spare.
You never cease to make me smile. lol I rode on a plane once to Jamaica. My husband thought it was cute to tell me there was duct tape on the wings!
This made me laugh. Hard.
ryc: the milkbone underwear is my favorite norm quip, too. how’d the judas performance go?
btw, i’m really glad i found your blog.
I rarely fly, but I’m familiar with some of the people you described. Hmmm. . .I think I’ve even BEEN some of the people you described. ..