February 15, 2005

• What rights does little bunny foo-foo have?

  
  

   

  
  

  As I was driving down the interstate today I spotted a billboard which featured a huge picture of Pamela Anderson next to a quotation that proclaimed “Boycott Kentucky Fried Chicken.”  Additional text on the billboard explained that the reason for the proposed boycott was that KFC was guilty of such crimes against chickens as “live scalding” and “painful de-beaking.” For a brief moment I pondered why the group responsible for the billboard would pick Pamela Anderson as the spokesperson. Suddenly the “succulent white breast meat” correlation became glaringly obvious.  I then began to wonder if Tyson or other poultry processing companies have ever secretly experimented with silicone enhanced chickens. (In honor of my hero, Dave Barry, I would like to note that “Silicone Chickens” would be a great name for a rock band).

  
  

   

  
  

  Despite the fact that chickens, as a species, do not immediately evoke a sense of empathy and that “de-beaking” sounds suspiciously like a frat house hazing ritual, I hate to see chickens, or any other creature for that matter, treated with cruelty.

  
  

   

  
  

  Animal rights groups, as a whole, tend to annoy me, however. This is primarily because they tend to be made up of self-righteous, new-wave blithering, weenies. There are other reasons though:

  
  

   

  
  

  
  
  • They ignore basic science.   Some groups like Vegans (which sounds like a cheesy alien character from a bad Star Trek episode) espouse the philosophy that animals should never be used for food and that we all should be vegetarians.  If God had intended for us to be strictly vegetarian he would have given us teeth that are all broad and flat like those of a cow. That is because those types of teeth are better suited for grinding plant material. Instead, he gave us canines which are specifically designed to tear and shred meat. This is so we can easily digest enough Big Macs so that we have asses that are large enough to make us look like cows.
    
  • They aren’t consistent about what they protect.   Animal rights groups are quick to point out the clubbing of baby seals, the netting of dolphins in the tuna industry, and the skinning of fuzzy woodland creatures for the occasional handbag. They don’t seem to be quite so up in arms about creatures that don’t have such a high “cuddle factor.” The French have been serving escargot for centuries and you never hear about a campaign to wipe out cruelty to slugs. (Besides, we all know that God made slugs so that 12 year old boys would have something to pour salt on.)
    
  • Their priorities seem just a tad misguided.  They are passionate about preventing cruelty to animals. Passionate enough to throw buckets of fake blood on runway models wearing furs. However, the human race seems to still be several millennia away from eradicating the horrific cruelty we perpetuate on each other. I simply wish we could all show some passion about changing that.

  
  

  Despite my misgivings, I am against needlessly inflicting pain on animals. I think our Native American brothers and sisters are probably one of the few groups that have ever really gotten the animal thing right. Historically, they would find the concept of not using animals for food, shelter, and other essentials completely laughable. Yet they are the one group of people that show the greatest respect and reverence for the animals they use.

  
  

   

  
  

  For those of you who think I’m a monster because I don’t actively promote the agenda of animal rights groups I would like to post the following picture of the animals that rule my house in hopes that I can prove that I’m actually an animal lover.

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some veal cutlets in the oven and I need to check on them.

  • 11:17 pm
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