May 22, 2012

  • FIRST CHURCH OF THE COLD SKIVVIES

    Over the years several of you have suggested that perhaps it is time for me to stop serving on the staffs of traditional congregations and to start my own church. In fact, many of you have pledged to become charter members. After having several articles published recently over at Revelife and receiving a bunch of arrogant, hateful, and downright crazy comments, I’m not sure I want to go to church with any of those folks so I think I’m going to take you up on your suggestion. 

    I’ve been thinking about how my church would work. Here is my plan:

    1. Services will be conducted over webcast or Skype. Followers will be asked to set up their laptops in their favorite bar that has free Wi-Fi. Services will be held every Friday after work during happy hour. 
    2. Since we will all be at a bar, my sermons will also be a drinking game. I will send out a secret word via email each week before the service. Whenever I use that word in my sermon everyone has to down a shot. 
    3. You may have any religious beliefs you wish, but under no circumstances are you allowed to be a dick about them.
    4. Since I believe the concept of Separation of Church and State is sacrosanct we will never discuss politics during service times. However, after each service there will be a “fellowship” hour. During the fellowship hour the member that comes up with the best Republican joke gets all their drinks paid for. 
    5. Following the great tradition established by so many of the high-profile church leaders that have come before me, I reserve the right to have sex with any female church member whenever I wish. However, I will need to ask my wife’s permission first, so if you are a potential female church member I wouldn’t waste too much time worrying about this one. 
    6. I will be accepting donations, but in the spirit of full disclosure I’ll let you know right now that I plan to spend all the money on a new boat. I promise never to spend the money on male prostitutes and blow. 
    7. There will be things that we are going to stress as a congregation. Those things are:

    Family – Whatever your family may look like. Service – You will be required to find one area of service and stick with it. Be it Habitat for Humanity, your local hospital, or your local shelter/soup kitchen, we believe that church members serve others. Basic Human Decency – We believe in treating everyone with respect and compassion (unless of course that person is Rush Limbaugh; you can kick him in the balls.) Critical Thinking -  At no point is anyone to believe anything I say without thinking through it critically, because most of the time I will be completely full of shit. 

    There you go. That’s my church. Please get your registration in early. The first 100 people to sign up will get an autographed head shot and an engraved wall plaque that says “I’m a Charter Member of the First Church of the Cold Skivvies.”

    See you at services on Friday. 

Comments (6)

  • I did a blog sometime in the last couple of years about what my church would be. Pretty much the same but I had board games. Maybe we could pool our followers and cover each other on vacation.

  • I’ll join. ‘Cept I think I should also stay at my other church. I think I’ll need all the prayers I can get…

  • Saw your Christianese post on revelife and decided to come for a visit. It seems a lot of the people who comment on revelife are strange and like to argue. Many of them also seem to be Catholic but not all. I don’t really read revelife all that much anymore, since it seems to have turned into a hate-fest over there. It used to be a better site than it is now.

    By the way, so how do I sign up for this church of yours? Sounds like it would be a fun church to go to. No political stuff being pushed during the service? Count me in!

  • I like your church model. I’ll abstain from the drinking games, but the rest I’m good with.

    By the way, I like how you play with the trolls. It’s fun to watch.

  • I have the perfect spot picked out for my wall plaque, but I’d best wait until after the drinking games before I attempt to hang it!

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