April 9, 2008
-
I’m a bad, bad man.
I’M A BAD, BAD MAN
It’s true; I’m a bad, bad man. I’ve done something I’m not terribly proud of and I’m trying to figure out how to deal with it.
Don’t get your hopes up. Despite my recent postings about prostitution, picnic table sex, and consenting livestock, it was nothing immoral. In a nutshell, I was a jerk.
I’ve got this whole Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing going on, but I’ve come by it honestly.
As you know, the first half of my professional life was spent in the ministry. During that time I became very adept at church politics. For those of you not involved in a church, you might think that in a church situation everyone always deals with each other in a mature, loving, and compassionate way. Please…don’t make me break out in maniacal laughter. Churches are made up of people, and people occasionally get their panties in a wad and if you’re on the church staff you have deal with people in a very gentle and diplomatic way. At church I’ve always been the kindly Dr. Jekyll.
15 years ago, I left the ministry and entered the business world. When I interviewed for the job I now hold I was told that if I had thin skin or wore my feelings on my shoulder I would not survive. They weren’t kidding…not even a little bit. I was worried about being able to adapt to that kind of environment. I found, however, that I not only adapted to that environment, I’ve learned to thrive in it.
Perhaps its being in a situation where you can actually say what you think, but I’ve found it to be incredibly liberating. I’m in the systems contracting business. It’s a business that moves very, very quickly. When you have a crew 500 miles a way from home and hundreds of thousands of dollars are at stake and problems arise, those problems must be solved quickly and efficiently, and there is not time to worry about people’s feelings.
The procedure is simple: When there is a problem, those involved have a quick meeting and a plan to solve the problem is strategized and put into place. Then the person or persons who caused the problem are “ripped a new one,” and then they are taken out in the parking lot and shot in the back of the head with a small caliber weapon.
It might seem barbaric, but it’s actually very efficient, and I LIKE efficient.
At work I can become the demonic Mr. Hyde.
I’ve filled in directing music at the church I now attend many times over the past several years. Two years ago our music director retired and I was asked to take over his position on a part time basis which I agreed to do. My official staff title is “Pastor for Worship and Arts.” It may sound like a fancy position, but trust me, it ain’t. When I first started they paid me a small amount of money. I always signed the checks back over to the church. After about six months of this the pastor decided it was kind of a silly arrangement from a book keeping point of view, so they stopped paying me altogether. This was just peachy with me, because if they don’t pay me, they can’t tell me what to do.
Because I’m a busy person the church was gracious enough to offer to hire a part time music associate to help me. A few months ago they hired a very nice and very talented young man in his early twenties. The young man turned out to be a fabulous musician, but a less than stellar employee. To say that his work ethic and communication skills could stand some improvement would be like saying George Bush could probably use some vocabulary lessons. After about six months on the job he had alienated so many people that when he walked into the building crowds with torches and pitchforks would begin to assemble and would have to be dispersed.
This past Sunday morning he was late, he had not done what he was supposed to do to prepare for the services, and he was in an uncooperative mood. As the old saying goes; “I only had one nerve left, and I’ll be damned if he wasn’t standing on it.” That’s when it happened. I transformed into Mr. Hyde and I had a little discussion with him. I could hear the words coming out of my mouth, and I could hear the tone I was using, but it was like I was outside of my own body unable to stop myself. When I had finished, he burst into tears and ran out of the building. He called the chairman of the board of directors that afternoon and tendered his resignation, effective immediately.
When I was his age and had just started in the ministry, there was a deacon in one of the churches I served who had talked to me on several occasions like I talked to this young man last Sunday. I remember how wounded I felt and how bitter I became whenever I thought about him. I realized that I have now become that deacon in his life, and I really hate that.
I know that he needed to hear some of the things I was saying, and I know that if he doesn’t change, he’s going to have a very difficult life in the ministry (or in any profession for that matter), but I could have handled it better. I could have tried to build him up instead of tearing him down. Yes, I was a jerk…
…but at least I was efficient.
Comments (31)
Thank you, Mark, for sharing.
My wife and I are both involved in our church (she’s fulltime, I’m almost there). You’re right about working with people in church – I think they’re actually more psychotic than people in the corporate environment. I lose my temper with people in service more often than I should (which is never), and the pastor has talked to me about it. I try, but there are some people that figure they don’t have to do their best, since they’re not on the payroll… and sometimes I just want to pull my hair out.
Do you think you can get in touch with the young man and offer an apology? Not to get him to come back, but so that he doesn’t harbor those bitter feelings in his heart for the rest of his life? Kind of give him closer, you know? Then one day, when he’s in your shoes and goes off and rips a new one for someone under him, he’ll remember your apology, and do the same.
I know that when I lose my temper, it nags at me until I go find the person and apologize..
Well said, first poster.
I agree with the first commentor too. Apologize if you can. He probably needed to hear the things you said, and he will take them to heart in time, but it never hurts to soften the blow a bit.
Don’t beat yourself up. Maybe write him a letter of apology. Not to be harsh, but maybe this will be a lesson learned for him. In the real world, you can’t just slack off all the time and then cry about it later. You have never come off here as being a tyrant. Maybe your being too hard on yourself. Maybe he’s an over sensitive freak. Be fair to yourself, were you THAT mean? If so, then fine, tell him your sorry for being so harsh. But I would make it clear that he could also work on some things.
Posts like these are the reason I subscribed.
I’ve had some moments like those lately. Sometimes I think for me it’s a factor of just getting older and speaking what’s on your mind. Then again, perhaps I’m just becoming a crotchety old coot.
Thankfully efficiency pays off. It is no fun sticking it out with someone who can’t get the job done in a pleasant manner! Good for you. You are not bad, you were doing a job!
well, he deserved it.
I don’t think you are a bad person for talking to him, he probably had it coming. Maybe when things blow over you can talk to him again in a clamer way. ^_^
That is the very reason I got out of management – I was always Mr. Hyde and liked it. I had been talked to by my supervisor on several occassions who gently suggested I may not be management material. I agreed and we parted on friendly terms – he was still scred of me, which I always found to be a plus in my favor.
Thankfully, I have mellowed… but I just don’t believe the kid needed kid gloves. Too many are going to hell in a hand basket becasue people were always trying to preserve their self esteem instead of being honest, preparing them for real life, which is hard and can be unfair - and people actually expect you to do your job well. It’s called growing up. he’ll thank you in later years – if he does choose to grow up – some don’t. So, get over the guilt – unless you actually beat him (you didn’t, did you?) he’ll either grow from it or regress to age 4 instead of 5. Sounds to me like he’s going for the regression.
I feel your pain. Been there. Literally.
I hope you’ll apologize to him, especially since you are old enough, wise enough, and mature enough to lay your pride down long enough to write this elegant post.
I had a run in last year that revealed to me so many things about me that I finally wished I didn’t have to look at it anymore.
With high respect,
GReggo
Add to the list of the young man’s flaws, impulsive.
Add to mine, judgmental.
Actually, (I am) judgmental *and* impulsive. I admit that I’d probably have cried as well as resigned.
I have to ask what his excuse was-? Did he have one?
- Can I add that I think it’s sort of tacky that the church quit even the formality of “paying” you?
I can never repay you enough for teaching me about _people_ through slightly lowering the shield when you were working in a church environment. Church people are a special insidious type of evil, in that you expect them to be somehow more than human, and they tend to hide their treachery behind what “God tells them to do” as you’ve written about previously. This doesn’t make them inherently any worse than anyone else. It just makes them human in a particular context.
Every growing person needs a few Mr. Hydes. There are people in my job and in my social life to whom I can point that have absolutely ripped me apart. I also point to those people as the ones who have forced me to be better, to achieve my potential. Some of them did it out of love, and we’re now friends. Some did it out of spite, and we’re not. But I’m better for it either way.
Perhaps you can learn from your own Hyde. You’ve ripped yourself a little bit by seeing yourself in that young incompetent man. First forgive yourself, then give him an apology for the tone, while making sure the message remains. If he wants to succeed, taking the advice of someone so successful is a grand idea, regardless of presentation.
(Sorry, it got a little Dr. Phil-ish there.)
harumpf!
I posted about my own little Mr. Hyde causing me anquish. It’s just not that fun. Next time you see me, I’ll shake my finger at you for a few moments as punishment.
I’m sorry. I don’t think you should apologize. After working with a psycho-obsessive-nutcase-co-worker for the past two months in my new job, I WISH management would “deal” with her, up to, and possibly including, a reaming her a new lower orifice. She’s driving me to drink, and I can’t handle the weight watcher points of the alcohol! If he were the proper employee, he would have apologized, taken your words to heart, and straightened up his act instead of quitting and running home to mommy…
Well, after reading through all your commenters voting on whether or not you should apologize, I think that you already know what you “should” do, and you aren’t asking for us to help you decide. You were there, you know how you handled yourself and whether you upheld the principles of biblical servant leadership.
You know how you’d want someone to speak to you, and that the principles in play here have nothing to do with the young man’s behavior and everything to do with whether you are comfortable that you “spoke the truth in love” (which can be a very efficient and direct method, Jesus wasn’t always soft and gentle) or are feeling a voice of conviction. So I’ll affirm you, my brother. You already know what you should do and how you should proceed.
I’ve not read through all the comments, just shooting from my own hip. I hear Mark the jaded “Used to be in Ministry” survivor wanting to blow this all off, because you were, after all, right. But I also hear Mark who deep down believes there is some level of needfulness in the message of Christ. Interesting dilemma, being human. All the best.
Not to dwell on the cup half empty mentality, but wouldn’t it be nice if your comments helped him to change his life and demeanor. It’s all free choice…if he is a mental moron who desperately needed to be beat up…then so be it…here’s hoping he learns from his experience. You are right about church… when dealing with each other, seems it is one of the most ungodly places on earth!!!
Aw Mark. I am sorry your feeling bad about it. You never know how he will handle it though. It isn’t like you treated him this way repeatedly, right? Maybe he will look at that fact and his behavior and get a clue. One can hope for his sake.
Sonofmao may have a valid point. Or not. I’m sure you’ll know what, if anything, you should do. Since I left the ministry, I’ve become divorced, drink wine, and have been known to actually verbalize curse words. I think I’d like to trade all this freedom for those old days, but you can’t really go back, you can’t go home again. So. Don’t beat yourself up. One reason I still believe in God is that only the Omnipotent could sort out the huge mess that humans tend to make of things. Selah.
prairie cowboy needs his own talk show. Well said, both of you! (From someone who works with Jeckyll AND Hyde, every night for the next two weeks.)
We often say things that we wish we could retrieve. But what is done is done. The question I have is – When the Deacon spoke harshly to you (and I’m guessing truthfully), did you learn and grow from it or just develop a festering resentment toward him? Only you know the answer and the action to take.
You can always apologize but maybe he need to hear it.Some people will not do what they are supposed to do or be the best they can be until they have someone tell them how it is..good luck on everything
That’s it. You are so off my Christmas card list.
You sound EXACTLY like me in that sense….I can take it and take it and take it and when I have had enough….I EXPLODE….normally shocking some unwilling victim. You know…it’s been a while since that has happened….hmmm….(hope nobody pushes my buttons any time soon).
Did he really burst into tears? And if so, why were you saddled with a seven-year-old assistant?
That young man deserved the lecture. Really.. I work with musicians, and to me, it doesn’t matter how super talented they are – if they are slackers and unprofessional, they won’t get the gig. At the end of the day, a positive attitude is of utmost importance.
I don’t think what you did was wrong, only the way you did it. He obviously needed to be made aware of the ways in which he was letting you and others in the church down, but what I hear you saying is that you (and others) perhaps let it go on too long and, unfortunately, since he was hired to assist you, you bore the brunt of his inadequacies, and you were the one who finally snapped at him. I won’t tell you whether or not to apologize to him, that is between you and him. Church politics are often complicated by the higher standards we hold each other to, like (as another commenter said) we expect each other to stop acting like human beings when we cross the church threshhold. We are all human, we all make mistakes, we all need to extend grace and forgiveness to each other, even in church, even when we act like human beings.
yeah to the first comment person, too. The thing is, people don’t really know what they’re like to other people. He’s probably in the dark about his horribleness. You were right to talk with him… but maybe you coulda been more… gentle with the boy’s fragile innerds. But, I wish I could be more assertive… I think I’d rather be a little over than the pansy I am…
Your outburst doesn’t make you a bad man. It makes you human. The fact that you recognize it as one of your less than stellar moments is one of the reasons I like you so. That, and your “ff” screenname.