THREE A’s OF BEING MIDDLE AGED
MIDDLE AGED ASS
I’ve noticed lately that a lot of young women are wearing shorts or sweat pants with the word “PINK” plastered in large letters across their ass. I’m sure that if you’re under 25 it probably is pink but I don’t understand why you would feel compelled to advertise that. I think I’m going to market a line of sweat pants for middle aged men like myself that has “SAGGY” printed across the ass, or perhaps, “COTTAGE CHEESE.”
MIDDLE AGED ARITHMETIC
Speaking of being middle aged, I have an age related math question for all of you math whizzes out there. I was thinking yesterday about the fact that I turn 50 this year and my son turns 25. While the half century and quarter century marks are great milestones for us, it does bring up an interesting conundrum. Every year prior to this, I have been more than twice as old as my son. This year I will be exactly twice as old as my son. Every year from this point forward I will be less than twice as old as my son. I like to think this means that my son will be aging at a much faster rate than I will from now on. Doesn’t that make sense?
MIDDLE AGED ANGST
And speaking of turning 50, I’d like to ask for your feedback concerning how I should celebrate my 50th birthday. I hang out with a group of three other guys at church. We are all within a few months of each other in age. When we all turned 45, we went sky diving together. We’d like to top that for our 50th birthday celebration.
We all saw the movie “Wild Hogs” and thought it might be fun to rent Harleys and drive from Tulsa to Vegas and back. However, we were discussing who each of us most closely resembled in the movie and the other three unanimously (and very quickly) declared that I was the William H. Macy character “Dudley”, so I’m not sure I want to hang out with them anymore.
Plan #2 is to go white water rafting in Wyoming. Whatever we do, we want it to be a desperate attempt at reclaiming our youth while putting our aging bodies in mortal danger.
Any suggestions?