2007 YEAR IN REVIEW

Every major news outlet on the planet has already published a “2007 Year in Review.” In fact, in an effort to get a jump on the competition, most of them published their 2007 reviews in 2006. I make a concerted effort to never get in a hurry about anything, however, so on this very last day of the year I humbly offer my 2007 Year in Review. 

JANUARY

History is made when Nancy Pelosi became the first female Speaker of House. Republicans express concern that she “doesn’t have the balls for the job.”

FEBRUARY

The single most important event in recorded history (as measured in hours of televised coverage) unfolds as Anna Nicole Smith is found dead from an apparent drug overdose. 427 men immediately come forward as the possible father of her baby, causing authorities to speculate that she may have actually died from exhaustion.

MARCH

While delivering a speech from the pulpit of First Baptist Church of Selma, Alabama, Hillary Clinton affects a heavy southern accent.  Not to be outdone, Arkansas native Mike Hukabee borrows gansta rap lyrics and announces that “Bitches get smacked, and bustas get jacked, if you vote for a Democrat I’ll lay you out on your back” during a campaign stop in Detroit.

APRIL

Don Imus is fired by CBS from his nationally syndicated radio show for calling members of the Rutgers University women’s basketball team “nappy-headed hos”. The players demonstrate incredible dignity and restraint by not immediately pointing out that Imus is unquestionably the ugliest man in America.

MAY

Jerry Falwell, the man who made such comments as; “AIDS is not just God’s punishment for homosexuals; it is God’s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals” and “Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America” passed away thus silencing one of the most prominent voices of Christian love and compassion in America.

JUNE

Senator Larry Craig is arrested by a plain clothes policeman is an airport restroom for attempting to solicit gay sex by means of foot tapping and hand signals. Note to self: Keep hands in pockets and foot tapping to a minimum when listening to IPOD in airport restrooms.

JULY

The Harry Potter saga comes to end as the final book in the series; “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” is released.  Readers are shocked to discover that the story ends with Harry Potter being shot by Tony Soprano while enjoying a table dance at the Bada-Bing club.  

AUGUST

Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron’s Major League home run record. His achievement is sullied by rumors that he used performance enhancing steroids. Bonds denied the allegations and then went on to defeat Godzilla and destroy Tokyo.

Also in August: Alberto Gonzales and Karl Rove abandon the White House like rats fleeing a burning building. Rats everywhere express outrage at being compared to Gonzales and Rove in this metaphor.

SEPTEMBER

Concerned that Anna Nicole Smith has stolen his spotlight as the worlds most over-exposed celebrity, O.J. Simpson stages an armed robbery in a Las Vegas Hotel. Reporters for Extra, Entertainment Tonight, Inside Edition, TMZ, Showbiz Tonight, and other tabloid news shows have a mass spontaneous orgasm.

OCTOBER

Al Gore shares the Nobel Peace Prize for his work to raise awareness on the issue of global warming.  Senate Republicans were too busy driving oil company executives around in their Hummers to comment.

NOVEMBER

The Writers Guild of America goes on strike. Network executives scramble to come up with reality-television programming to replace cancelled scripted shows. Both “Survivor-Toledo” and “When American Idol Contestants Attack” are scheduled to air in January.

DECEMBER

The Central Intelligence Agency admits to destroying video tapes that document the interrogation procedures of two Al Qaeda operatives. President Bush denies having seen the video tapes but goes on to add “I do like those Barney videos, though. That is one funny purple dinosaur!”

I hope you and yours have a very happy 2008!

HO, HO, HO, AND MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS (PART 2)

If you’re anything like me, by the time the day after Christmas arrives you are so sick of Christmas music that even the sound of someone whistling “Jingle Bells” makes you want to castrate an elf with your bare hands. Ok, maybe that’s just me, but the point is that after two of months of listening to bad holiday Muzak you start to wish that anyone performing “Silent Night” would just please shut the hell up and be silent. There are two holiday “classics”, however, that never fail to bring a smile to my face no matter how many times I hear them. The first is Cheech and Chong’s “Santa Claus and His Old Lady.”

 EDIT: Here’s a pic of my front yard

ICE, ICE, BABY

What’s hard and wet, and really slippery?

Come on, get your mind out of the gutter…it’s the massive blanket of ice covering the state of Oklahoma (and most of the Midwest) The storm rolled in on Sunday and my electricity rolled out about an hour later. We haven’t had power since then and it’s colder than a witch’s tit.

My office is also without power, so I’m currently sitting in the coffee bar at my church drinking a French Vanilla Cappuccino and enjoying the WiFi (cause we’re all hip and cool like that.)

I’m also chatting with the line of people waiting to take a shower here at the church because it’s too frigin cold to take one at their houses.

There are over 200,000 people here in Tulsa without power. I lost all my trees, the lines to get gasoline are around every corner, and any restaurant that still has power has a two hour wait. They are saying it will be a week to 10 days before all of the power is restored.

What the hell did people do before electricity? I mean, for God’s sake, my DVR isn’t even recording all of the shows I’m missing. Can life get any more primitive than that?!?

Maybe… another day or two without power and one of these people standing in line for the shower might look pretty good on a spit with some barbeque sauce and a side of coleslaw.

HO, HO, HO AND MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS

I’m typically a happy-go-lucky kind of guy. I always try to see the best in every situation and in every person. However, the last 6 to 8 months have been so stressful at work (hence two to three months between posts), and I’ve dealt with such an amazing amount of “caca de bovine” from so many people lately, that my outlook is beginning to subtlety change. So during this wonderful holiday season of merriment and peace and good will towards mankind I’ve determined that I pretty much despise all of humanity.

In honor of the fact that Letterman is in reruns until the end of the writer’s strike, and the fact that I just scored third-row tickets to see George Carlin next month, I would like to offer a top-ten list of people who are currently pissing me off.

10.       People who don’t pay attention to where they are going while they are shopping.

One of my favorite columnists was Mike Royko of the Chicago Tribune. He once defined a “jerk” as someone who barged onto an elevator before they looked to see if anyone on the elevator wanted to get off. I want to amend this to include people who barge out into the aisle at Wal-Mart before they look to see if anyone else is coming. If you hit me with your shopping cart one more time I swear I’m going to insert that cart firmly up your ass right next to your head, which is obviously already there.

9.         People who refer to the “Good old days” (typically in order to sell you something.)

This applies both to advertisers and politicians. If you want to go back to a time when indoor plumbing was optional and polio was still crippling people just because you think those times were simpler and people had better values, I hope you find a time machine to take you there. Personally, I like being able to watch TV on my IPOD and order little blue pills off the internet; thank you very much. “The good old days” is a myth. June and Ward Cleaver didn’t actually live in the 1950’s but Joseph McCarthy did.

8.         People who simultaneously talk on their cell phone, eat a sandwich, discipline their children, and do a Sudoku puzzle, all while changing lanes at 80 mph.

If you want to die in your car, I think that’s just peachy. Park in your garage, run a hose from your exhaust pipe into your window, and take a nice long nap. That way you won’t take any of the rest of us out when you go.

7.         People who constantly say “Everything happens for a reason.”

If this is what you need to tell yourself to feel all warm and cuddly in a cold and scary world, more power to you, but think through the logic on this one. The statement assumes there is a higher power. I happen to believe in a higher power, but if your higher power caused Katrina, the genocide in Darfur, and made you lose your car keys this morning, all to accomplish some unforeseeable greater plan that we are incapable of understanding; then your higher power is one sick, twisted puppy. Shit happens. Get used to it.

6.         People who still have a “W ‘04” bumper sticker on their car.

I think this is self explanatory.

5.         People who say “like” more than twelve times in a single sentence.

Also self explanatory.

4.         People who think there is a “War on Christmas.”

There may be a few people who are offended by the holiday, but so far I haven’t seen any land mines placed outside the mall in order to keep you away from the ugly Christmas sweaters. Too many people make too much money from Christmas for there to be an actual war against it. Let’s reserve the word “war” for people who are dying a very long way away from home. 

3.         People who whine.

“Isn’t that what you’re doing right now?” I hear you ask. Absolutely; I never said my current hatred of humanity did not include some healthy self loathing.

2.         People who say anything other than “fine” when I ask them how they are.

I didn’t really want to know how you are, I was just being polite. This is a time honored meaningless social exchange, please observe it correctly.

1.         People currently running for President.

I hate ALL of you.

Well, I hope that was as therapeutic for you as it was for me.

Merry Christmas.