WHO AM I, AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
Conventional wisdom states that men tend to be defined by their work and that women tend to be defined by their relationships. For example: I’m in sales, so people typically define me as “a sleazy, overbearing, bad-suit-wearing, insincere, Herb Tarleck wannabe,” while my wife, who happens to be both brilliant and gorgeous, is generally defined as “a woman who could have done much better for herself in the marriage department.”
Is this culturally passé method of defining people appropriate? In the case of the two examples cited above, absolutely; but in general, I believe it creates problems for both the “defined” and the “definee.”
Allow me to break this discussion down into three sections: Is it true? Is it productive? And, is it possible to change?
Is it true?
Do men and women really define themselves differently? In order to determine this, I did a highly scientific study in which I clicked randomly on the profiles of fellow Xangaites. Within the first ten clicks on the sites of women, I found the following “self-descriptions” in the opening line of their profiles: Parent, Caregiver, Trophy Wife, and Crazy Jewish Mother. Within the first ten clicks on the sites of men I found: Cowboy, Fireman, Beer Connoisseur, and Sex God.
This proves conclusively that conventional wisdom is true, and (as in the case of final male example) that serious self-delusion may also be a factor.
Is it productive?
For women, if the relationships in their lives are going well, they can pride themselves on investing their energy in having a positive and lasting impact on the lives of the people they love. If the relationships in their lives are going badly, there is always the risk that they could descend into a spiral of shame and self loathing over why they ever wasted their time on that “lying, two-timing, tiny-dicked, asshole.”
For men, if their jobs are going well, they can pride themselves on their achievements and bask in the adulation of their peers. If their jobs are going badly, there is always the risk that they might be fired and then return later to their place of business with an automatic weapon.
Is it possible to change?
Probably not.
I will admit that I’m not always defined by my job. People often forget my name and refer to me as Jordan’s dad or Kathy’s husband. This is because my son and my wife are both extraordinary people and compared to them I am a monument to mediocrity. But I’m not bitter about this…really…I’m not.
In all seriousness, when we define ourselves by a narrow set of criteria we short-change who we really are, and we when define others by the same narrow set of criteria we short-change who they really are. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately because of the work situation I described in my last post. I’ve been allowing the time commitments and the stress at work to affect both my personality and my priorities. I’ve been so focused on work that I’ve found myself coming home and talking to my wife like she’s an errant employee. My son and his wife also bought their first home six months ago and I haven’t been down to see it yet. Both of the above are pretty awful.
I’m trying to remind myself daily that work is not who I am, it’s what I do. It’s not my life, it simply finances it. There’s a big difference.
Well, clicking on all those profiles has shown me that I need to go back and update mine. I want it to be truly indicative of who I am so I’m definitely going to add “sex god.”
