May 3, 2007
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GOOGLE IS COMING TO OKLAHOMA
(Really, I’m not shitting you)
Google announced yesterday that they are building a 650 million dollar data center in Pryor, Oklahoma. I’m puzzled by this because many of my relatives live in Pryor so I know for a fact that nothing good comes from there.
If the data center is going to fit into the local “ambience” it will have to consist of 30,000 double-wide trailers placed end to end.
Abandoned refrigerators in the parking lot would be optional.
I’m sure they are coming to Oklahoma because it will be a cheap place to build and to operate, but the people moving here from their corporate offices in Mountain View California are in for a big culture shock.
First of all, we don’t have any actual mountains for them to view but we do have Cavanaugh Hill which is supposed to be the tallest hill in the world. For some reason we are ridiculously proud of this.
We don’t have an ocean but Pryor is near Grand Lake. I hope they like the smell of crawdads and stink-bait.
We don’t have anything like Hollywood but we are within an hour or so of Branson, MO, so they can go see any number of has-been musical celebrities that most people think have been dead for 20 years. For example, Andy Williams has a theater there and he’s 127 years old. Glen Campbell also plays in Branson. He’s not 127 years old but he does look like it in his mug shots.
I really shouldn’t make fun of my home state. The transplants from California will be able to partake of our world class cuisine. That cuisine consists mostly of barbeque and fried catfish but it’s still really good. Transplants will also be able to take advantage of Oklahoma’s most abundant natural resource; Methamphetamine.
We Oklahomans are understandably excited about the news. We’re hoping that Google coming to town will prop up the state’s economy which currently rests entirely on Indian Casinos and Wal-Mart super centers.
I’ve always liked the way Google decorates their search page with cute little graphics on the holidays. Perhaps they will do some decorations to commemorate their move to Oklahoma. I’m thinking maybe a couple of cows with few dollops of natural fertilizer for good measure.
Comments (29)
And the sad thing is, I keep bitching about having to move back to Silicon Valley, like it is some horrible place. Now that the job market is picking up, I wonder what % of people will be willing to relocate.
you are hilarious.
Dang it, why didn’t they come to Mississippi?
I thought meth originated here in my town in Illinois because of such an overabundance of it…hmmm…
I just finished a fairly crap day at work. This post made me chuckle and relax. Yeah for Mark!
Don’t they call Pryor the Riviera of the Midwest?
I live fairly close to Independence, MO – “Meth Capitol of the Midwest”! LOL Is Pryor the peach festival place? I know I asked you this one time, because I can never think of the name of the place my in-laws go to for those peaches. Should I be scared that I can’t remember the answer? I think so!
Well, there will be lots of employment opportunities for your relatives and other denizens of Pryor. That’s good news in this otherwise-crummy economy!
Kathi
Man, you’ve got to admire a company that would go to all that expense just to be THAT close to Glen Campbell !!
Google on meth, eh?
There goes my search engine… choo chooo!
Y’all will just be assimilated by Google.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
Why Prior??? I cannot fathom this first thing in the morning. And how come you know so much about meth?
Ain’t too far from Muskogee neither! Git good deals on sum White Lightnin too.
Maybe they should have Googled Oklahoma before they made the choice to break ground there.
I can relate to the culture shock aspect. I moved from FL to MS when my son was about 2. I wanted to raise him in a small town. I didn’t realize that the state was also the uneducationed redneck, KKK capital of the south. Since I decided early on that I must be having some really bad flashbacks….no place in the world could possibly be this bad, it took me several years to catch on. By that time, the good things about the place outnumbered the bad. Since I made my escape, I’ve been in a secret re-education program….I can now speak in complete sentences and have remastered the art of reading.
Now…if I could just learn to spell…..
Congratulations! It sounds like you are really excited about this. BTW – Andy is kinda cool!!!!
I know why they decided on Oklahoma! It’s because the wind comes sweeping down the plains.
You’ve made OK so appealing, I think I’ll move there!!! No wait, isn’t there a lot of farting there..oh, wait, that’s wind…just wind…huh?! I think I’ll stay where I’m at. (Hey, I heard that! Don’t be so happy that I’m not moving to OK!)
You crack me up, again! Thanks!
Make it a great weekend!!!
That was a beautifully written sarcastic essay. Bravo! The appeal for me in Oklahoma would be Native American men riding around on white stallions with their long flaxen black hair billowing in the breeze. Please tell me they do that.
As part of the deal, Oklahoma agreed to rename itself ”Oklahooooooma.”
WooHoo!….soon Google will be cow tipping too….as always, you are way too funny!
Next you’ll be telling us you sent them your resume!
Now Mark I have to take you to task. You and your Oklahoma may NOT brag about meth being your number one crop, when in fact, Missouri (my state) has that title. For God’s sake man, how do you think the regular people in Branson can live and work there for people like the 127 year-old Andy Williams and the eternally sodden Glen Campbell? It’s not without homegrown chemical assitance, I can assure you. We, however, have many welfare-riding entrepreneurs who would gladly export product to your state should you like to give addresses of folks in need of that special adult candy. Delivery will take place in a coat of many replaced panel colors 1970′s model Ford F-150 with 300,000 miles on the gauge and a body being held together by rust. You’ll know our drivers when you see them and their lack of teeth. –Glenna (http://www.afridgefulloffood.typepad.com/gsspot)
Your posts make my day.
Just think how excited the Californians will be when they find out that can get a surry with isinglass curtains you can roll right down in case there’s a change in the weather.
I knew I could count on your support!
RYC: I have actually left “Suger Sugar” behind for awhile. I’m now singing “Band of Gold” by Freda Payne.
You’d be suprised how many Californians LOVE Oklahoma! I know a couple people from California that have moved out here and have never regretted their decision. First of all they were able to stop wearing their gas mask! You can actually get 2 miles in LESS than 30 minutes (a hour during rush hour). Not to mention that you can make less than a million dollars a year and afford you’re own house! Although I’m just as confused about the whole pryor thing as you! Someone got their information wrong about Oklahoma…. Oklahoma City metro is the while collar capitol of Oklahoma not the Tulsa metro! Someones gonna end up getting fired for that mistake! Couldn’t help but rag on Tulsa a lil bit there