April 11, 2007
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MEET MARKET
Lust, sweat, throbbing rhythms…chaps. Now that I have your attention I thought I’d tell you about my weekend, which involved all of those…sort of.
My wife and I went out on the town with three other couples. We had a nice dinner at P. F. Chang’s where one of the guys in our group consumed so much beer that he began to wear the lettuce wraps on his head like little green yarmulkes. Obviously, more alcohol was in order, so we proceeded from there to a new bar in Tulsa called the “Wild Horse Saloon.”
Since there is an average of six cowboy bars per square mile in Tulsa, one would assume a “Wild Horse Saloon” would be redundant. But apparently, the “Tin Dog Saloon,” the “Dead Horse Tavern,” “Tumbleweeds Dance Hall,” and “The Caravan Cattle Company” (I’m not making those names up) are not adequate to cover the demands of drunken people with gun racks in their pickup trucks, so Wild Horse Saloon opened it’s doors.
I haven’t been to a cowboy bar in a long time. I immediately noticed that we were not dressed appropriately. The correct dress for men is Wranglers, boots, a big ass belt buckle with a big ass hat to match, and a starched plaid shirt.
The correct dress for women is Wranglers, boots, a big ass belt buckle with a big ass hat to match, and any top that displays a copious amount of cleavage.
A lower lip full of Skoal is optional for either sex (If you don’t know what Skoal is, you’ve obviously never been to Oklahoma).
You would never make fun of this type of dress while at the bar. While at least 80% of the people there are posers who make their livings as accountants, convenience store clerks, and Indian Casino workers; in a place like Tulsa, about 20% are likely to be actual cowboys. An actual cowboy would immediately kick your ass for making fun of their attire, and that goes for both the men and the women.
I was surprised that the music being played was not all country. The obligatory George Strait ballads were interspersed with Techno, Rock, and Rap. The problem with this is that the people on the dance floor were two-stepping regardless of what was being played. Watching someone two-step to the Black Eyed Peas’ “My Humps” will really twist your head around.
It’s also fun to watch the mating rituals of the Native Oklahoma Cowboy. The male of the species will spot a female with the most visible cleavage or the one who’s Wranglers are cutting off all circulation to the top half of their bodies and approach them with a gentlemanly “may I have this dance Miss?” The female will then proceed onto the dance floor and present her back side to the male. The male will then spend the next three minutes attempting to mount the female while holding on to her like he’s riding a bull at the rodeo if you get my drift.
If no males have asked a particular female to dance, she will dance with a girlfriend while the cowboys stand at the bar and engage in lesbian cowgirl fantasies.
Mostly, the experience made me glad that I’m no longer out there trying to meet someone (or “meat” someone, as the case may be).
I’m quite happy to stay at home with my wife and have my own little rodeo.
Comments (40)
LOL!….but that last line make get you in so much trouble with the missus!
I got the worst image in my head when reading this, it reminded me of some time I spent in Wyoming where the only difference in dress there is the oil stains on your Wranglers when they let boys off the oil rigs. *shudders*
Welcome back “Cowboy”. Reminds me of a cowtown bar a friend and I stopped in. While we were chuggin a cold Miller I asked him “What smells like horse crap”? A fine lookin cowgirl dressed like you discribed answered proudly; “ME”?
Oklahoma doesn’t have the monopoly on those kinds of bars. We have alot of them in this part of Michigan too. They’re filled with guys with cowboy boots and farmer’s tans and the girls who think they look sexy with makeup they put on with a trowel and squeezed into their jeans.
Git along, little doggie!
Cowboys freak dance? I had no idea.
Two -stepping to “My Humps” LOL!!!!!!!
haha. ^_^
i go line dancing every wednesday here in the california in the south bay. it’s fun but doesn’t sound as much fun as this.
i think that comment about just staying home with your wife was cute. i hope to met someone someday that will say that about me. ^_^
Do these bars remind you of those in “Urban Cowboy”? You DID see that many moons ago, didn’t you? That’s the last time I’ve “been” in a cowboy bar! I still remember the “Bud” and “Sissy” license plates they had in the rear window of their pick-up truck, lol. But I digress.
I love P.F. Chang’s, even though I have just eaten there once. Their spring rolls were the best I’ve ever had! I cracked up at your buddy with the lettuce leaf yarmulkes!
“Meet Market”, haha. Most of those cowboys and cowgirls are probably too soused to remember who they met!
Enjoy your own little rodeo!
Kathi
Personal, private, home rodeos are always much more fun! Enjoy yours!
Thanks for the laugh today. Your “take” on things always cracks me up.
You have such a great sense of humor and wit.
I love P.F. Chang’s. And all the lettuce always makes it to my mouth. Great food!
Well, I hope you and your “cowgirl” are having a wonderful Wednesday.
Never been to PF Changs–we don’t have those big city restaurants here. But we do have bars, only they’re not cowboy bars, they’re Nascar hangouts. Same guys, though…just wearing ball caps instead of Stetsons.
You should consider entering the field of animal behavioral studies. Interesting observations. Did you tag any of the specimens?
two stepping to Yo mama is a ho bag is just scary. Your funny. I have missed your posts. RYC: I bet your weather can’t trump mine. We had a really bad SNOW storm, with wind and slush and cars off the road. Just thought I’d let you know.
ps. I’m not your mom, but I am the mom ( seed’s site)
This was a most entertaining post! So true, too!
The real cowboys that I have seen ride around in concert t-shirts and blue jeans with baseball caps backwards on their heads. Of course that was in California………guess they don’t care much about looking the part.
wow… this sounds kind of like a bar in NYC… cept for the “big ass belt buckles and big ass hats” of course…
oh wait a sec… …no… actually it sounds kinda the same
hurmph.
If I wanted Wranglers, I would have to mail order them. They don’t sell those things around here. But the mating rituals are similar. There’s no gentlemanly “may I have this dance,” though. More like “T’sup?”
Don’t make fun of the Caravan! That’s one of my favorite places!!! Not to mention it has one of those naughty gift shops next door to it. So When the drunk cowboys are ready to take their fresh “meet” home for the night they can stop in and purchase those unmentionable toys. …which they’ll probably need due to the fact they’re too drunk to get it on.
RYC: I always laugh when I open my Comments up and you’ve posted. I’ve never known you to post a normal comment…ever. LOL
Not as funny as the post.
Oh, how this made me laugh.
Quite amusing, as always!
I’m laughing. The last bar I visited was named The Chrome Horse Saloon – celebrating Iowa’s biker bitch heritage, I assume. And proving once more the old adage that the only difference between a Harley and a Hoover is the position of the dirtbag.
Does the starched plaid shirt have a big beer belly?
Ahh crap. I two-step to My Humps ALL the time. Guess I need to pick a new song.
Baby Got Back?
HEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAW, Cowboy!!
tooo funny.
Having been horrified at the Not Right combination of line dancing and rap music, I feel your pain.
Also, being in possession one of those backsides that seems to be in high demand at establishments in the business of alcohol and music, I am somewhat impressed that some of these cowboys actually ASKED before attaching themselves in mounting position…
I lived some years in Salinas, which had probably as many cowboy bars per mile. What was terrifying is I started enjoying the music
“Id rather have a bottle in front of me than have a frontal lobotomy…” “I gave her the ring and she gave me the finger…” Yippee kiy ay!
How funny!! You may win the award today for making me laugh the hardiest! I’ve been to one of those places once….and it WAS in Oklahoma. I have no desire to go back except to pick up my can of Skoal I left on the table:)
haha
excellent!
glad you made it through it.
Awww. And they lived happily ever after.
RYC: Glad you liked the Pomeranian line. I actually think “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” might be a little classier. Or maybe “There was a young man from Nantucket”
RYC: Better not look at the schedules of the kids who are trying for valedictorian– you’d be out for a week!
You have effectively described street dances in the Dakotas. Aint’ it just grand? The only thing that gets me thru the winters here, waitin’ on summer.
Oh, Christ. That was a great post until the last line…*shudder*
You speak truth again. I’ve spent a bit of time in Wild West, Oakley’s, The Crying Shame, Chapter 11 and Sue’s #2 here in Waco. The latter 3 will invariably see someone’s ass kicked throughout the night, but Wild West is pretty much exactly as you described.
Except for one small detail. The middle-aged fake cowboys with their overstarched shirts and their salt and pepper handlebars don’t two step when the hip-hop starts…they start grinding their own little interpretation of salt-n-peppa.
If you’ve never seen a fake cowboy try to “get low,” you’re missing out on one of the joys of the world.
I’ve been to Tulsa many times. Not only is that portrayal funny as hell, it’s scarily accurate. –Glenna (http://www.afridgefulloffood.typepad.com/gsspot)
The Caravan Cattle Company…haha.
I live in Tennessee and all we have is Cotton Eyed Joe’s and The Electric Cowboy…And they both play a lot of pop music and LeAnn Rimes dance remixes. It’s seriously weird to hear “How do I breathe” to the sweet sounds of techno.
I concur. Usually the date isnt worth the free meal.
You have a wonderful perspective!!!!!
Cowboys and Cowgirls will indeed two-step to anything! I would tell you to visit Amarillo’s Caravan, but they closed it after 40 years. Funny thing is a youngn bought it out and reopened it as a rock/rap club. When they first reopened the old timers (one being me of course) went in to see “their” club. The waiters were wearing tees that said “not your granndparents club” and the youngns were on one side of the bar and the regulars on the other. Made for several weekends of great entertainment watching the mix and especially watching the old timers trying to yes, you guessed it, two step to My Humps! YeeHaw Ya’ll…
RYC: Mazel Tov.
Having lived in Texas and the south, not as mutally exclusive as you would think, I’ve had my fair share of looking at “cowboy butts that drove me nuts”, as the saying goes. Guess I’m kinda out of touch though…I never remember any of the cowboys I danced with trying to “mount” me on the floor….their belt buckles would have gotten in the way.