XANGA GUILT

As if there isn’t enough in my life to feel guilty about already! There was that unfortunate incident in Las Vegas involving a woman who spoke Portuguese and a Llama. Then there was the entire period from 1976 to 79 that I don’t really remember, and, of course, my last 12 income tax returns. And now, on top of all of that, I find that I’m experiencing Xanga guilt.

I try to update twice a week. I also make a concerted effort to leave regular comments for everyone on my subscription list AND to leave return comments for everyone who comments on my site. 

I’m behind….way behind, and I feel guilty about it.

I was introduced to Xanga by my son who used it to keep us updated when he was an exchange student in Russia. I thought “I’ll give this a try,” and I became immediately addicted. Since that time, my son got married, started grad school, and began brewing beer in his bathtub. He hasn’t updated since last September and it doesn’t bother him a bit. This is because he is well adjusted and I’m not.

I even went to see Melvin my shrink to discuss my guilt and ended up telling him to leave my mother out of it. Actually, he had the audacity to suggest that I at least entertain the idea that no one even notices if I comment on their site or not, and that maybe…just maybe, I’m not as important in the Xanga universe as I seem to think I am.

What a quack!

The truth is that I’ve been letting trivial things get in the way of my Xanga time like employment, time with my wife, and showering.

I promise to do better…I really do.

IT NEVER RAINS IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

(But it does drizzle all day, and in March it’s colder than a witch’s tit)

I’m sorry I haven’t updated or been around to everyone’s site in a while. My wife had to attend a dental conference in Huntington Beach, CA and I went along for the ride. I didn’t go online during the trip because the hotel charged for internet service and I am a cheap bastard.

Now that I’m back at the office, I thought I’d blow off all the work that’s pilled on my desk and do a photo blog of the trip.

As I mentioned, we were in Huntington Beach, officially known as “Surf City, USA.”  Here’s a photo of the famous pier:

The temperature was in the 50’s most of the time we were there. Here is a picture of crazy people so desperate for sun that they are lying out on the beach in their swimsuits next to people in coats:

While my wife was attending her conference I spent most of the day sitting in an Irish pub next to the beach, drinking Baileys on the rocks, and people watching. I did notice that the fashionable trend in beach wear for young women is to cover a dental floss bikini with a pair of Daisy Duke cut off jeans. Then they undo the fly and roll down the sides of the shorts to display the bikini bottoms underneath. I found this display to be innapropriately provocative and morally reprehensible…and I stayed in the pub for an additional four hours just to make absolutely sure that I was truly outraged.

Once the conference was over we did some legitimate site seeing. We drove down to Newport Beach where anyone driving a car that costs less than $100,000.00 is only allowed in the city limits with a police escort and went on a whale and dolphin watching tour.  Here is a picture of a very friendly dolphin that followed our boat waiting on the locals to drop some of their breakfast caviar overboard:

We drove from there up to Long Beach where anyone not wearing gang colors needs a police escort to see the Queen Mary (which, if it had two more smoke stacks, would make a great Cingular “Raising the Bar” commercial):

The Queen Mary is supposedly haunted. We took the “Ghost Tour” during which they took us through sections of the ship in which paranormal sightings have occurred. Here is a photo of a series of staterooms where apparitions have been seen:

In this completely un-retouched photo of the same staterooms only moments later you can see that their claims may have some credibility:

While on the “Queen Mary” my wife took a picture of me next to a giant photo of my hero the “Queen Liberace”:

“How could Liberace possibly be your hero?” I hear you ask. Anyone who can play the piano that well while wearing all that jewelry, a feather boa, and a bra and panties is a hero in my book. I’ve tried the same thing many times and it’s not nearly as easy as it looks.

Here I am doing my best “Captain Ahab” impersonation:

Finally, here we are back at our hotel with my gorgeous wife standing in front of some ceramic lions whose breakfast apparently did not agree with them:

It was a great trip, but I’m glad to be back in Oklahoma where there is actually sunshine and 80 degree weather. I think I’m going to slip on my bikini and short-shorts, and head off to the lake.

AMERICAN CREEPY

Is it just me, or does anyone else think that Phil Stacey on American Idol looks like Nosferatu?

CAUSTIC CHRISTIANITY

As I’ve talked about many times before, I grew up Southern Baptist, I attended a Southern Baptist College, I attended a Southern Baptist Seminary, and I spent 17 years on the staffs of Southern Baptist Churches. I can recite the “Baptist Faith and Message” cover to cover. I own 32 double breasted suits and I used to use more hair spray than Donald Trump does to secure his comb-over in a hurricane. I can do a Billy Graham preaching impersonation that Billy himself would be jealous of. (I realize that now days I write about Airport Porn but that’s a whole other story).

In other words, I can speak “Christianeese” as well as any doe-eyed evangelist on the circuit but I choose not too. You wanna know why? Because it’s really, really offensive.

Don’t send hate mail! I don’t have anything against Southern Baptists. It’s a fabulous denomination that believes fervently in what they are doing. They do as much or more for disaster relief than the Red Cross does, and when you give money to the Southern Baptist Convention for hunger relief, not a single penny of it goes to administration. Many other main stream Protestant denominations do things just as noble and important, as does Catholic Charities, the largest private social services network in the world.

But I do want to make a suggestion: you need to change the way you talk.

Let me give you an example. I was reading the blog of a person who happens to be an atheist. A comment was left on their site from a Christian who stated that they pitied the person for their lack of faith in God. Did the person who left this comment intend to be offensive? No - they feel that their faith in God has given them fulfillment and purpose in life, and they truly want others to experience the same thing. Was what they said offensive? You’re damn straight it was, and it made me physically cringe when I read it.

I don’t know a great deal about the writer for whom the comment was left. I do know from reading their entries that they are an intelligent and thoughtful person. I also know they are a news producer which sounds like a job that requires a great deal of talent to me. I also know they have an autistic child that they write about with such joy and passion that it has jumped off the page and choked me up on more than one occasion.

Pity is something you have on a wounded animal. The blog writer I’m referring too does not deserve pity; they deserve the utmost respect and nothing less.

So…Christians everywhere…if you want to do more good than damage, please think about the words you use when you talk about your faith. Much of “Christianeese” comes off sounding as hateful, arrogant, and condescending as the “pity” comment did. Jesus never talked down to people, he talked too them.

Those of you on the other side – don’t get pompous. There was great exchange of lines on my favorite TV show at the moment…Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.  One of the characters who happens to be a liberal was talking to another character on the show who is a Christian conservative. The character said “Christians hate liberals because you think, we think, you’re stupid, and we hate Christians because we think you’re stupid.” Arrogance and condescension are abundant in every ideology.

I’m really not one of those people who is big on everything being “politically correct” because it’s trite and dishonest and doesn’t foster real communication, but neither does using language that makes you come off looking like a prick.

I don’t quote many Bible verses so hold on to your hat, but here’s one for all of us Christians to think about: “May the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength and redeemer.”  Psalms 19:14

THE EVOLUTION OF POST-MODERN MAN

Men are often the victims of gender stereotyping. We are perceived as being over-sexed, insensitive, sophomoric frat boys despite our ages or our stations in life. When referring to our cognitive abilities it’s often said that our minds are perpetually in the gutter and that we think mostly with our “little heads.”

Is this stereotyping justified, or has post-modern man risen above this terminal state of pubescent angst?  I propose an in-depth, double-blind scientific study. However, until that study is finished, an exchange that happened a few moments ago at my place of business may shed some light on this controversial subject.

I was sitting in one of our conference rooms near the front of our building with all of the other salesmen in our office. We were pretending to be deep into developing sales strategies but as I’m sure you can guess, the only thing we were actually deep into was bullshit.

Our new FedEx delivery person came into the building and everyone immediately noticed that it happened to be a very attractive young woman; probably in her late twenties. With sly grins, the following comments were made just out of earshot of Miss FedEx:

Salesman #1 – Hey baby, I got your package right here.

Salesman #2 – And it’s marked for “special delivery.”

Salesman #3 – And it’s is definitely going out “overnight.”

Salesman #4 – But you’d better be careful, because it’s probably over your size limit.

Salesman #5 – Maybe you need some help getting my package into your trunk…I’m mean truck.

So, do men deserve to be labeled as crass Neanderthals, and sexist pigs?

Yeah…pretty much.