WARNING: EXPLICIT LYRICS

This may well be my last post; not because I want to stop posting on Xanga, but because after people see the video below no one will ever come back for fear that they might be subjected to more of the same.

Pat Trotta was the 30,000^th visitor to my site and in honor of that completely random accomplishment I told her I would write and video tape a rap song in her honor. I did this because it was the single most ridiculous thing I could think of doing, and after you see the video I’m sure you will agree that ridiculous doesn’t even come close to describing it.

I asked Pat to provide me with some general information to use as material for the lyrics. She provided that information because she’s a very nice person. I, in turn, have completely betrayed her trust by using the material she provided to make horrible fun of her…this is because I’m an asshole.

Pat…congratulations; (or perhaps “I’m really sorry” would be more appropriate) here is your song. I hope you’re really good natured, and for the rest of you, if you promise to come back I promise never to do this again.

The lyrics are posted below the video, and a disclaimer is posted below the lyrics

SHE’S PAT, AND SHE’S ALL THAT

This rhyme’s for Pat who goes by Trotta

She was the right clicker so now I sorta, gotta,

Do a video,

That you know’s

gonna blow

Cause I’m not a rapper

Just an old white schmo

Now Pat’s a gal who wants to be a writer

She describes herself as a lover not a fighter

She’s Italian and Irish

not sure how much of which

So if you give her any grief

She’s gonna make you her bitch.

Cause she’s Pat

And she’s all that

She’s not into rap with its hustle and flow

Cause her favorite singer is – Manilow ?!?

And if that’s not enough to make you suicidal

She’s even a fan of American Idol

She’s a bruiser,

Ain’t no loser,

and she drives a PT Cruiser

Call’s it 109, after Kennedy’s boat

Heck, I never knew that a Chrysler could float

But she’s Pat

And she’s all that

She’s been married forever

To the very same guy,

His name is cigar man

I’m here to say why

We all know at times,

Things don’t seem as they are

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar

But Pat says when her man gets bothered and hot

Despite what Freud said…sometimes it’s not.

Cause she’s Pat

And she’s all that

AND THE WINNER IS…

There are things in life that people dream of winning; radio promotions, drawings, sweepstakes, the lottery, a “get out of jail free” card, but the idea of being the 30,000^th visitor to an obscure website written by a cheesy middle aged guy with a sophomoric sense of humor and too much time on his hands is not the thing dreams are made of.

Regardless, the 30,000^th visitor race (well, not so much a race as a painfully slow crawl) has drawn to a close and the winner is:

Drum roll please….

TROTTA109

For her clicking efforts Pat has won a three month supply of Vienna sausages and the opportunity to make my car payments for a year. I mean, really…does it get any better than THAT?

Actually, I plan to put together a short video of a song written specifically for Pat and performed in the style of Eminem. I realize the idea of me doing RAP is completely nauseating which is exactly why I’ve chosen to do it. I mean, if I can’t cause my readers to have the dry heaves, what have I really accomplished? It’s going to take me a week or so to get this together, not that I think for a moment anyone cares how long it’s going to take.

Just to up the tease factor, I plan to wear pants in the video that are 18 sizes too large and wear them securely cinched around my knee caps.

Just try and get that mental image out of your head.

EDIT: I was afraid this might happen. The 30,000^th visitor was not signed into Xanga so “footprints” doesn’t reveal their name. I do know from my counter program that the person accessed my site via AOL and lives in Kansas. The 30,000^th hit happened at 6:27 central time. I have the IP address but I don’t want to list that publicaly. Please leave a comment or send me an email if you fit the description above. If I’m not able to identify the person by this time tomorrow, I’m going to award the prize to the Xanga person who was signed in that was closest to 30,000. I will announce who that individual is and what the prize is either as soon as I know or tomorrow evening.

Thanks!

Mark

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’RE OUR 1,000,000^th  SHOPPER!

My friend Pat happened to notice that my site counter was nearing the 30,000 point (This pales, of course, in comparison to the near 50,000 hits on Jodi’s site which is why I suffer from major counter envy.) Pat suggested that I offer a prize to the 30,000^th visitor.

This is an intriguing idea, but what to offer? Since the term “sex symbol” is not the immediate (or even conceivable) thought that comes to mind when people read this blog, I’m assuming that a handkerchief soaked in my perspiration would only make people violently toss their cookies.  Likewise, the dog won’t even play with my socks, so those are probably out of the question as well.

Since I’m in the sound, video, and lighting business, I suppose the appropriate thing would be to give away a new 72” HD plasma display.

Yeah…like THAT’S going to happen.

I really can’t think of anything that wouldn’t actually repulse, insult, offend, or cause people to flee like rats running from a burning building, so I’m at a total loss.

Any suggestions?

MARRIAGE AND TERRORISM

In 1986, a now famous Newsweek Magazine article reported that those over 40 were more likely to be killed by a terrorist than to ever get married*.While we all seem highly likely to be killed by terrorists these days, I did find myself single again in my 40’s and I didn’t think my prospects for getting married again were very promising. In fact, I was fully resigned to staying single for the remainder of my life.

Bachelorhood in your 40’s is not the bacchanalian-orgy-fest they make it out to be on TV and in the movies. There was never a hoard of scantily clad college coeds cavorting around my apartment. I typically spent most evenings eating peanut butter directly out of the jar while watching the Discovery Channel in my underwear, but it was simple, and that was enough.

…and then I met Kathy.

We are celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary this month.

I am not a particularly self-aware person. I miss the glaringly obvious more often than not, but I do know this: I am an incredibly lucky man.

I don’t mean that in some pseudo romantic – Hallmark Card – Lifetime Movie of the Week sort of way. It is simply an observation that 48 years of life-experience has allowed me to make.

I’ve also never claimed to have any understanding of what women want; this is, and will always remain, life’s greatest mystery. It is my hope, however, than I can live each day (or at least most days) in a fashion that lets her know, that I know, how lucky I am.

I’ve been working on a little project for our Anniversary for a few months now. As completely corny as it seems, I wrote a little song for her, recorded it in a friend’s studio, and put together a video to go with it. If your blood sugar level isn’t already too high and you’re not afraid you might go into a saccharine induced coma, you are welcome to watch the video. (If you suffer all the way through to the end, stick around for the gag reel) The lyrics to the song are posted below the video:

TILL I FOUND YOU

Words and Music by Mark LaBouff (ASCAP)

Copyright 2006, by JPL Music

As I stand looking down the road

that leads into the past

I can see love was always something

that was just beyond my grasp;

a mystery without a single clue,

until the day, the day that I found you.

Till I found you,

I believed love was a war that’s fought in vain.

Till I found you,

I denied the hope that love was more than pain.

Till I found you I always thought

that those who found real love in life were few

‘cause I never dreamed for me it could be true,

till I found you.

Now that I finally found someone

to love with no pretense,

all of this talk of ever-after

suddenly makes sense.

To have a love like this makes each day new,

and I found that the day that I found you.

Till I found you,

I believed love was a war that’s fought in vain.

Till I found you,

I denied the hope that love was more than pain.

Till I found you I always thought

that those who found real love in life were few

‘cause I never dreamed for me it could be true,

till I found you.

Till I found you I always thought

that those who found real love in life were few

‘cause I never dreamed for me it could be true,

till I found you.

(* I realize the article said “women” over 40, but I changed the quote to serve my own silly literary purposes)

PRESSURE!!!

BOAT PEOPLE

No, this isn’t about the plight of Vietnamese refugees in the 70’s. This is about those annoying people you see out on the lake. The ones who drink too much and recklessly drive their over-powered water craft at high speeds frighteningly close to innocent swimmers, wearing bathing suits that reveal their religious orientation, and basically being obnoxious assholes. You know…boat people.

I’m one of them. Or at least I was until today.

Three years ago we got boat fever. We envisioned hours upon hours of lazy days in the sun, tooling around the lake, skiing and tubing, and perfecting our George Hamilton-like tans. We assumed we would be at the lake every weekend and that it was a wise expenditure…an investment in our marriage if you will. So, I took the “plunge” and bought a boat.

We took it out six times.

Based on what we paid for the boat, the cost of maintenance, and the cost of gas for the boat and gas for the SUV to pull the boat, I figure each hour I spent on the lake cost me $3,482.19.

I sold the boat today to a young couple.  I could see the gleam in their eyes as they too envisioned the countless hours of fun ahead of them.  Little do they know how big an anchor a boat can be.

I’m glad I’m past the “boat phase” of my life. It was a silly and juvenile obsession. I’ve got my heart set now on one of those huge touring motorcycles. I just know that my wife and I will spend countless hours on the back roads of Oklahoma. I’m thinking it will be an excellent investment in our marriage.