September 12, 2006
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MISCONCEPTIONS WOMEN HAVE ABOUT MEN
In her current blog, Primeval Wench makes mention of the fact that men at her office often have a difficult time “hitting the mark” in their unisex bathroom. She elucidates: “Wouldn’t you think that people who like to boast that they have the skill and dexterity to write their names in the snow with their beloved appendages, would be able to hit the inside of that big white bowl ?”
That seems like a reasonable assumption, but those of us with a “beloved appendage” know full well, that it is a blatant misconception. This got me to thinking about other misconceptions women have about men. So, in the interest of gender communication, please allow me to address this, and other “male urban myths.”
· The topic at hand (or “in hand” as the case may be) – Men should be able to pee where they aim:
One would assume that having a point and shoot device attached to your body would give the owner some level of accuracy. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I commented on Sheila’s blog that the penis could be thought of as a rifle with a twisted barrel; just because it is aimed in a certain direction is no guarantee that the “stream is going to head toward the ocean” if you get my drift. The penis is often a highly unreliable device (in more ways than one) and this can be exacerbated by other conditions. Suppose the gentleman has taken one of those little blue pills (in order to solve one of the afore mentioned reliability issues) and finds himself with one of those erections lasting more than four hours that the drug company is always warning us about. Have any of you women ever attempted to stand over a toilet and pee into it with an erection? AH HA! I didn’t think so!!! This requires a level of gymnastics that are truly Olympic worthy. In fact, I think it should be an Olympic event. I can hear Bob Costas now: “Ladies and gentlemen, Guillermo Alvarez will now attempt to hit the bowl while doing a triple back flip with a full layout from the uneven bars.” I dare any woman reading this to try THAT!
· Men think about sex once every 7 seconds:
This urban myth has been around forever. Men are constantly portrayed as lecherous horn dogs who can become aroused simply by seeing the picture of Aunt Jemima on a bottle of pancake syrup. It is true that most men are aroused by the picture on the syrup bottle but it has less to do with Aunt Jemima than the stack of pancakes. I personally find the Land O Lake’s babe to be much hotter. Younger men do tend to obsess a bit about sex but as we get older and more mature we finally realize that there is more to our earthy existence than a roll in the hay, like NASCAR for example, as long as the trophy girl has bodacious ta-ta’s and a string bikini.
· Men should be able to fix stuff:
Allow me to quote from an article in the Journal Current Opinon in Neurobiology, Volume 6, page 259, by Doreen Kimura: “Scientific evidence for consistent differences in cognitive function between men and women has accumulated for well over 50 years. A solid body of research has established that men, on average, excel on spatial tasks (particularly those tapping ability to imaginally rotate a figure), perception of the vertical and horizontal, and spatial-motor targeting ability.” My professional/academic assessment of this statement is that it is “caca” because it has perpetuated the myth that men should be able to fix stuff. It is true that there are men who are good at fixing things. Those men are called plumbers, electricians, construction workers, etc. The rest of us can’t fix shit. We will never admit this, however, because to do so would be a huge violation of the guy code. So be warned…If you need to get something fixed, fix it yourself, or hire someone who does it for a living. The rest of us will just screw it up worse than it was to begin with.
I’m glad I was able to clear up these misconceptions and further facilitate meaningful dialogue between the sexes. Now if you’ll excuse me, I had several glasses of iced tea while I was writing this and I need “drain the main vein.” I don’t want to miss the bowl, though, so I think I’ll just use the sink.
Comments (22)
Oh, she said.
You’re right, it doesn’t mean we can fix crap. It does, of course, mean that women can’t park a friggin car to save their lives.
I understand and acknowledge your peeing challenge. Perhaps it might behoove all the boys to merely sit down when peeing. Therefore, the man hose can be pointed downward. This will make a smaller parabolic arc with better luck of hitting its mark. It will avoid spray all over the walls and floor and the place won’t smell bad afterward. Not only that, but it will eliminate the age old trauma of seat up/seat down.
Spatial relations in men only: I agree this is a myth. How many women can visualize a parabolic arc, let alone describe one? I just did, so it means I can see one in my mind and if I look below, I am definitely lacking a man hose. (I’m an engineer too, so I am a bag of misnomers) I will say, however, that its possible more men are exposed to things requiring spatial relations, so it stands to reason that there will be more who can do them well. Nice thing about being female is that you don’t expect us to know anything spatial so we don’t have to keep that myth alive, we can ask questions when we honestly don’t know the answers. What do we have to lose?
Good points all; but it’s a big bowl, fellas. And I’m sure y’all don’t have an erection every time you pee, unless you’ve posted the Land O Lakes box above the toidy.
I’ve been fortunate to marry not one but two men who sit down and make their parabolic arcs smaller on a regular basis.
The kitchen sink?
Don’t you have a backyard?
I’m laughing too hard to comment right now.
hmmmmmm the parabolic arc…. THATS the problem!
I don’t have a problem with missing the mark as long as you clean up after yourself!
What a great post! Thanks for the laugh! After growing up with brothers, being married for thirty years, and raising sons, I knew all that stuff, but your perspective was great! Oh, by the way…the Quaker Oats guy always does it for me! (Just joking!)
You cant explain that away with some weak blog entry. Own up to your weakness, admit that at least half of you (the male gender in general) are insensitive and could care less whether you hit the target everytime or if it flies all over the bathroom in a random pattern. Honestly, if its that hard to achieve the target maybe you should all go back to the days when your Mommy sat you on the potty and put that little pee guard on the front.
We know how often you think about sex, we know what triggers it and we know how to turn it on AND off. The Land o Lakes girl is 16, so I hope that the days when she did it for you are over…or that you at least are smart enough to lie and say they are.
You can fix stuff, you just dont want to. Admit it.
Right??? Come on, say Im right…
Perhaps if men cleaned the bathrooms their aim would be more precise.
The Brawny paper towel man does it for me…..and sometimes Mr. Clean.
a guy in my writers’ group wrote a similar essay to your point number one… followed by an essay on why they shouldn’t have to clean up after themselves. some crap about marking territory
SNORT!!!!!! You just crack me up!
To quote from Steel Magnolias: “Oh! He’s a real gentleman! I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it!”
Fabulous post !! Is it not amazing where inspiration will strike ??
If men can’t fix stuff, then WHY do we keep them around?
I give you deeeeep gratitude for the laughter. I need the laffs right now. G-man has come to the conclusion that just sitting down is much easier. And there isn’t that invisible splashback that makes the floor around the potty start to stink after a few days. Now if we could just teach the cats how to squat over the potty we’d be in commode heaven.
Maybe men should just pee sitting down….
LOL…Thanks for a great laugh…sort of. The other day I went to the bathroom at work. We are a small business with just one bathroom. As I was pulling my pants back up (cause you know…us girls can’t do our thing standing!!), I realized that my pantleg was WET…with pee….SOMEBODY ELSES pee that was on the floor in front of the toilet. I about flipped out!! SO GROSS!!
You have been nominated for Best Comedy Site on my site.
Yeah, the Land O’Lakes girl is hot. But don’t forget the Swiss Miss!
Hey, you need to post again soon! Your site is one of my favorites. You always make me laugh. Hope you and your family have a great weekend.
Does this mean I should have shown more understanding to the four men with whom I shared a bathroom over the years? Nah. They have required much re-training on putting the seat down, as well.
As always, I was laughing my arse off as I read this! Did you have pancakes this morning?
Kathi