August 23, 2006

• WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION – THE SPA REPORT

  
  

   

  
  

  Well, I’m back from Phoenix (City Motto: The temperature here might cause you to burst into flames, but at least they’ll be dry flames!) and I’m happy to report that the spa vacation was a complete success – especially for the spa. (Spa Motto: Charging you absurd amounts of money for services you can get right at home while still managing to make you feel like you are a huge imposition to our staff.)

  
  

   

  
  

  We began each morning by going to work out, followed by a yoga class. To be honest I only made it through one yoga class. My wife is very flexible (which I’m rather happy about, by the way) but I have to warm up for an hour just to bend over to tie my shoes.  I was also the only male in the class. While it is not a bad thing to be in room full of leotarded women doing the “downward dog” pose, my body was simply not designed to be folded inside out, thank you very much.  On our second day we both scheduled several back to back treatments. I had a “body exfoliation” followed by a 90 minute massage, followed by a “gentleman’s facial.”  

  
  

   

  
  

  The day began with me being ushered back to the men’s area where I was greeted by several European looking guys who spoke no English but still managed to communicate their condescension quite effectively. Not all of them were rude. In fact, one of the gentlemen was actually quite friendly; a little too friendly perhaps. I’m not at all homophobic, but I’ll have to say that I was not entirely comfortable with the way “Herve” was looking at me.

  
  

   

  
  

  Fortunately, all of the treatments were administered by women. This can still be a little disconcerting, however, because modesty is not an option during these sessions. If you have any reservations about strange people fondling your butt cheeks, you might want to avoid this type of activity.

  
  

  The “body exfoliation” reminded me somewhat of being sand-blasted, but it was actually quite pleasant. My masseuse (who was obviously an ex-Soviet weight lifter) took her job quite seriously. At one point during the massage I was pretty certain that she managed to massage my left calf muscles by going in through my right shoulder blade.  I got the biggest kick, though, out of the “gentleman’s facial.” Do you remember George Carlin’s riff on dealing with waiters?

  
  

   “Act really interested when the waiter mentions the specials. When he says, “Today we have goat-cheese terrine with arugula juice, sauteed cod with capers and baby vegetables, coastal shrimp cooked in spiced carrot juice, roast free-range chicken with ginger and chickpea fries, and duck breast in truffle juice,” act like you’re completely involved. Say, “The cod. What is the cod sauteed in?” “A blend of canola and tomato oils.” (No hurry here.) “Ahhh, yes! [pointing thoughtfully at the waiter] I’ll have the grilled cheese sandwich.”

  
  

  I was reminded of this when the lady began putting stuff on my face. “I’m going to begin by exfoliating your skin with granules of salt mined by prisoners in Siberia and flown to us fresh each morning. I will follow this by applying a paste made from bee pollen and fortified bat guano.”  My eyes were covered during the whole procedure and to me it seemed like she was doing nothing more than rubbing wet stuff on my face, wiping it off, rubbing more wet stuff on my face, and wiping it off again. I didn’t mention this to her though, because see seemed to think she was performing brain surgery, and I didn’t want to burst her bubble.

  
  

  The highlight of the trip for me was the next day when we drove up to Sedona which is kind of a commie, pinko, liberal-wacko, hippie, artist’s colony…so, of course, I felt right at home. The scenery was also breath taking.

  
  

  I’d love to post pictures of this breath taking scenery, but I left the day after we got back for a four day business trip to Washington D.C., Louisville, and St. Louis (which I’m on right now) and I left all of our digital photos at home.

  
  

  There’s no spa at the hotel I’m at right now. The only services being offered here are by the working girls hanging out in the parking lot (honey, if you’re reading this, I’m not availing myself of any of these services).  If I was a betting man, though, I bet they charge less than the girl who did my facial.

  • 9:02 pm
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