DON’T LOOK A GIFT BAG IN THE MOUTH

During the Emmy Awards on Sunday night, Conan O’Brian made mention of the fact that presenters would be required to pay taxes on the gift bags they received. According to Conan, the bags, which had been valued at $51,000.00, included $1,000.00 in merchandise and a “$50,000.00 gift certificate to the Olive Garden.”

Holy swag Batman…$51,000.00?!?!?!  I thought that was an exorbitant amount until I read on CNN.com that the gift bags given to presenters at the Oscars last year were valued at over $100.000.00.  CNN mentioned that this year’s Emmy bags contained, among many other essential items, a set of cultured pearls and a gold plated cell phone. Who really needs a gold platted cell phone except perhaps a rapper who wants it to match his gold plated teeth and the gold plated rims on his Escalade?

Why would manufacturers give away that much costly merchandise to celebrities? Apparently, the answer is that it could amount to a celebrity endorsement of their product. And when it comes to paying for celebrity endorsements, several thousand dollars of merchandise given to celebrities on an awards show is…cheap.  Nokia is quite happy to give 50 Cent that gold plated cell phone simply on the off chance that he might use it to “blast yo’ bitch ass” on his next video.

I find this incredibly intriguing. After I heard about the gift bags I asked myself, “would I really use a particular product or wear a particular piece of clothing just because a celebrity told me I should?”  I think it depends on the celebrity. If Diane Lane personally asked me to wear chaps and a dog collar I’d be happy to oblige (sorry, I kind of got off into my sick fantasy life there) but…if Nathan Lane asked the same thing, it’s not happening.

I think most people would say that they are not influenced by celebrity endorsements, but the numbers say they’re lying. Tiger Woods last endorsement deal with Nike was worth 100 million dollars. 100 million dollars buys a lot of friggin tennis shoes my friends. Nike doesn’t stop there, though. They also have endorsement deals with Andre Agassi, Pete Sampras, Lance Armstrong, and Olympic sprinter Marion Jones.  

Nike is not going spend half a billion dollars on celebrity endorsements unless they are getting a full return on that investment, so A LOT of people buy stuff because celebrities tell them too.

On a side note…you can always measure the current status of a celebrities’ career by what it is they are endorsing; Celine Dion endorses Chrysler while Dionne Warwick endorses the psychic hotline. ’Nuff said.

So, I ask you: Do you drink Pepsi because Michael Jackson set his hair on fire for it? Would you eat a Big Mac because Kobe Bryant said he was loyal to it? Would you pick a personal injury attorney because William Shatner said you should boldly go to the law offices of Ernest Whiplash?

Madison Avenue is betting you will.

IS THE CUSTOMER ALWAYS RIGHT?

…No, sometimes the customer is an asshole.

 

 

We live in age of consumer elitism. Somehow, we have come to believe that if we are paying for something, we have earned the right to treat the people we are doing business with like shit. I’ve been guilty of this and I bet you have too. An insurance claim gets dropped, we have to wait longer at the doctor’s office that we planned, the car we just spent $500.00 repairing starts doing the same damn thing it was before we took it in, and suddenly we snap. We spit venom all over the person on the phone/behind the counter/under the car, and 95% of the time, they weren’t the person who dropped the ball in the first place.

 

I’m a firm believer in getting what you paid for, and I can be pretty tough when I don’t. (See my son’s post on customer service) But as a business man who has to deal with unhappy clients from time to time I’ve come to believe that being a jerk accomplishes nothing, even if it makes you feel better in the short term. I’ve also learned that a spoon full of sugar not only makes the medicine go down…it can get you free stuff!

 

A couple of years ago I was standing behind a man at the Thrifty Rental Car counter at the Louisville airport. It was the weekend of the Kentucky Derby and he had apparently changed his flight into Louisville to one later in the day and had not informed Thrifty. Most rental car companies will only hold a reservation for four hours past the designated pick up time (especially on Kentucky frigging Derby weekend) and they had given his car away. There were no other cars to be had and this guy was livid. Actually, volcanic would be a better description. He was bright red and was spewing obscenities at the poor woman behind the counter. There was nothing that could be done, but this guy continued to hammer away at the poor employee. I listened to him for as long as I could stand it and finally lost it myself. I tapped him on the shoulder, turned him around, and told him he was being rude. I suggested he get out of line or I was going to help him get out of line (I don’t recommend this course of action; I could have very easily gotten my ass kicked). The guy looked flustered for a second, grabbed his stuff, and stormed away. I stepped forward and smiled at the woman behind the counter. She was wearing a name tag with “Denise” on it, and I asked her if she was ok.

 

I fly into Louisville at least once a month on business. Every time I do, Denise sees my name on the reservation list and has my paperwork and my keys ready for me when I arrive. She also gives me a free upgrade when she has one available. I was in Louisville yesterday, and after Denise showed me pictures of her new grandbaby she slipped me the keys to a brand new full-sized convertible even though my reservation was for a compact car. I’m telling you – it pays to be nice sometimes.

 

If my company makes a mistake (and we all make mistakes) I will jump through every hoop necessary to make it right and make sure the customer is taken care of. However, if the customer becomes abusive or is completely unreasonable I will still take care of their problem, but once it is solved I will politely but firmly explain to them that I no longer feel it is in our mutual interest to continue a business relationship. I haven’t done that often, but I have done it several times. I would much rather live with a smaller paycheck than deal with that kind of disrespect. I’m fortunate that I have the luxury to be able to do that, I know that many people do not.

  

Why am I writing about this? When I got to my hotel last night, there were two women in front of me trying to check in. The hotel had apparently lost their reservation and they didn’t have any rooms left with two double beds. One of the women (who happened to have a truly enormous ass) was screaming at the girl behind the counter. When she wasn’t satisfied with doing that she demanded that the girl call her supervisor and the woman screamed at the supervisor for awhile.  In an effort to make things better, the hotel put the women up for free at a nearby hotel and gave them a voucher for two more free nights.  I thought that was a pretty good offer, but the woman wasn’t satisfied. As she turned away from the counter to go wait for a taxi to take them to the other hotel, she called the girl behind the counter a bitch.

 

The girl had done a pretty good job of holding herself together up to this point, but as I stepped up to the counter the tears that had been brimming in her eyes started to spill over. In a voice loud enough for big-ass to hear, I told the girl that I was very sorry she had been treated that way. I didn’t say that because I wanted something for free; I really felt bad for the girl. But…not only were they able to find my reservation, she upgraded me to a suite for free.

 

I smiled and waved my key card at big-ass as I walked past her on my way to my suite.

WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION – THE SPA REPORT

 

Well, I’m back from Phoenix (City Motto: The temperature here might cause you to burst into flames, but at least they’ll be dry flames!) and I’m happy to report that the spa vacation was a complete success – especially for the spa. (Spa Motto: Charging you absurd amounts of money for services you can get right at home while still managing to make you feel like you are a huge imposition to our staff.)

 

We began each morning by going to work out, followed by a yoga class. To be honest I only made it through one yoga class. My wife is very flexible (which I’m rather happy about, by the way) but I have to warm up for an hour just to bend over to tie my shoes.  I was also the only male in the class. While it is not a bad thing to be in room full of leotarded women doing the “downward dog” pose, my body was simply not designed to be folded inside out, thank you very much.  On our second day we both scheduled several back to back treatments. I had a “body exfoliation” followed by a 90 minute massage, followed by a “gentleman’s facial.”  

 

The day began with me being ushered back to the men’s area where I was greeted by several European looking guys who spoke no English but still managed to communicate their condescension quite effectively. Not all of them were rude. In fact, one of the gentlemen was actually quite friendly; a little too friendly perhaps. I’m not at all homophobic, but I’ll have to say that I was not entirely comfortable with the way “Herve” was looking at me.

 

Fortunately, all of the treatments were administered by women. This can still be a little disconcerting, however, because modesty is not an option during these sessions. If you have any reservations about strange people fondling your butt cheeks, you might want to avoid this type of activity.

The “body exfoliation” reminded me somewhat of being sand-blasted, but it was actually quite pleasant. My masseuse (who was obviously an ex-Soviet weight lifter) took her job quite seriously. At one point during the massage I was pretty certain that she managed to massage my left calf muscles by going in through my right shoulder blade.  I got the biggest kick, though, out of the “gentleman’s facial.” Do you remember George Carlin’s riff on dealing with waiters?

 “Act really interested when the waiter mentions the specials. When he says, “Today we have goat-cheese terrine with arugula juice, sauteed cod with capers and baby vegetables, coastal shrimp cooked in spiced carrot juice, roast free-range chicken with ginger and chickpea fries, and duck breast in truffle juice,” act like you’re completely involved. Say, “The cod. What is the cod sauteed in?” “A blend of canola and tomato oils.” (No hurry here.) “Ahhh, yes! [pointing thoughtfully at the waiter] I’ll have the grilled cheese sandwich.”

I was reminded of this when the lady began putting stuff on my face. “I’m going to begin by exfoliating your skin with granules of salt mined by prisoners in Siberia and flown to us fresh each morning. I will follow this by applying a paste made from bee pollen and fortified bat guano.”  My eyes were covered during the whole procedure and to me it seemed like she was doing nothing more than rubbing wet stuff on my face, wiping it off, rubbing more wet stuff on my face, and wiping it off again. I didn’t mention this to her though, because see seemed to think she was performing brain surgery, and I didn’t want to burst her bubble.

The highlight of the trip for me was the next day when we drove up to Sedona which is kind of a commie, pinko, liberal-wacko, hippie, artist’s colony…so, of course, I felt right at home. The scenery was also breath taking.

I’d love to post pictures of this breath taking scenery, but I left the day after we got back for a four day business trip to Washington D.C., Louisville, and St. Louis (which I’m on right now) and I left all of our digital photos at home.

There’s no spa at the hotel I’m at right now. The only services being offered here are by the working girls hanging out in the parking lot (honey, if you’re reading this, I’m not availing myself of any of these services).  If I was a betting man, though, I bet they charge less than the girl who did my facial.

SPA-TACULAR!

 

Rather than taking long vacations, my wife and I have started taking several short (three or four days over a weekend) vacations during the year. I will be away from Xanga for several days because we are leaving on one of these little excursions tomorrow.

 

This will be a first for me. We are going to spend three days at a spa resort in Scottsdale, AR. 110 degree weather has not been hot enough for us here in Tulsa, so we are purposely flying into hell, better known as Phoenix.

 

The stay will consist of working out, yoga, lots of time by the pool, and strange people we don’t know rubbing funny smelling stuff into our naked bodies.

 

Hey, sounds like fun!

 

I’ll be back on Sunday night and I’ll try to give you an update on what a spa retreat is like. In the meantime, I’m a little concerned about the picture below that came off the spa’s website. Why would having a big rock on your crotch be considered therapeutic?

 

 

 I’ll post pics next week (just none of me naked with a big rock on my crotch).

I DO MOST OF MY READING IN THE BATHROOM

I’ve been tagged to respond to a quiz regarding my reading habits. There are two things that people lie about more than anything else; how much sex they are getting and what they read. The reason they lie about these topics is that they call into question our prowess; both sexual and intellectual. And prowess is an area where folks are inclined to stretch the truth a little.

But I’m going to tell you the truth; not about my sexual prowess, of course (I hear a huge sigh of relief all across Xanga Land), but about my intellectual prowess:

I have none…

At least not when it comes to my reading habits.  I went to college and grad school at liberal arts institutions so I’ve read everything I’m supposed to read. While I firmly believe that great literature is the backbone of any decent education, a lot of what we read in college is questionable at best. I read Thomas Pynchon’s “The Crying of Lot 49” in college. No one could explain to me what the hell he was talking about then, and I’m sure no one could explain it to me now. And take James Joyce – please (rimshot). I don’t know what kind of drugs this guy was on, but I want some.

The truth is that now that I’m away from the world of academia I read crap; pure unadulterated crap. And I apologize to no one for it. I do read voraciously, but I do most of my reading on airplanes. I would like to pretend that I read a lot of Dostoevsky when I’m flying between Chicago and Baltimore, but the truth is that he’s kind of wordy and Home Land Security won’t let me take him on the plane because his books could be used as a weapon.

So what do I read? Whatever is in the paperback bin at the airport gift shop. I may not be an expert on the writings of Thoreau but I can give you the plot lines to most any James Patterson, Terry Goodkind, Dean Koontz, Robin Cook, Ken Follet, Clive Cussler, Tom Wolfe, John Grisham, or Michael Crichton novel.  I even occasionally pick up a People Magazine to supplement my reading material…there, I said it. I’m a pulp fiction whore.

So, the list below won’t impress anyone other than the editors at Doubleday and Random House who see me as their target demographic.

1.  One book that changed your life:  “How to Be a Christian without Being Religious” by Fritz Ridenour

2.  One book that you’ve read more than once:  “Dave Barry Slept Here: a Sort of History of the United States.”  I’ve probably read this book 30 times. And for those of you who like this book as much as I do, I have three words for you…Hawley-Smoot Tariff.

3.  One book you’d want on a desert island:  “Victoria’s Secret Catalog”

4.  One book that made you laugh:  “America (The Book)” by John Stewart.

5.  One book that made you cry: “The Bridges of Madison County” by Robert James Waller. Yes, I read it. And I’m confident enough in my manhood to read a book like this, so just get over it.

6.  One book that you wish had been written:  “Women; the Owner’s Manual”

7.  One book that you wish had never been written:  “The Da Vinci Code” by Dan Brown.  Is anyone else as sick of hearing about this book as I am?

8.  One book you’re currently reading: “The Husband” by Dean Koontz

9.  One book you’ve been meaning to read:  “My Life” by Bill Clinton. I’m sure that someday, Dubya will write his memoirs.  I would say that I’m going to read it, but even though I read crap, I do have some standards.

I haven’t played tag since grade school, so if you want to admit to us what you really read, then…tag – you’re it.

RANDOM STUFF

 

…I’m leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again

 

I have to fly to Phoenix next week and to Washington D.C the week after that and I understand that security is going to be tight. According to a buddy of mine that works for TSA, they have been confiscating a large number of “marital aids” lately and some of them appear to actually be gasoline powered. My question is: why would someone take one of these devices on a plane in their carry-on? Are they planning on using them if they get bored on the flight?

 

(He also mentioned that some of these devices are incredibly complex. Wouldn’t having to read the owners manual take all of the romance out of the experience?)

 

…here comes the sun, little darling, here comes the sun, it’s alright

 

According the weather man the temperature reached 111 degrees here yesterday. I let the cat out after work and it immediately burst into flames. I’m only sorry I hadn’t thought of doing this earlier. 

 

…that ain’t the way to have fun, no, that ain’t the way to have fun son

 

A friend of mine was talking recently about how rock and roll music isn’t afraid to tackle tough issues. As an example he said there was famous rock song from the 70’s about incest. Unable to think of a song from that era that broached that particular topic, I asked him what song he was referring too.  He looked at me incredulously and said “Duh….Three Dog Night’s Mama Told Me Not to Come”   I think my friend needs some serious professional help.

 

 

…in the year 2525, if man is still alive, if woman can survive, they may find

 

This same friend is a graphic artist and yesterday he sent me the following picture that he had created. Perhaps he’s mentally competent after all.

 

 

…I said I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes, I do.

 

Since Jamie has been with us I’ve been listening to a lot of speed metal at dangerously high decibel levels when we’re driving around town. I remember when I was a teenager and my father came into my room once while I was listening to Iron Butterfly. He told me that my music was “crap.”  I remember thinking that when I had kids I would never feel that way and that I would whole-heartedly embrace whatever kind of music they listened too. I didn’t have a clue at that time that I’d be driving around town someday listening to speed metal at dangerously high decibel levels.

 

I have become my father…I think I’ll go outside and spontaneously combust like the cat.

WARNING: I’M ON MY SOAP BOX AGAIN

 

I listen to three different radio stations. The first is NPR. The second is the “classic” rock station (which has recently started playing crap I’m too old to be familiar with). And finally, I occasionally listen to KXOJ, the contemporary Christian music station in Tulsa. I happen to really like contemporary Christian music and their DJ’s are “Christian” without being “Obnoxious.”

 

On my way home this afternoon I was listening to them talk about a review of the movie “World Trade Center” in Christianity Today. The DJ talking about the review said something very interesting. He said that Christianity Today noted that the movie had a “high degree of Christian content”. As an example of this content the review stated that there was a scene in which a former Marine put his old fatigues back on and went to the bombing site.

 

Hold the phone…why would a scene about an ex Marine putting on fatigues be considered “Christian content?”  I’ve known some ex Marines who were outstanding examples of the Christian faith but I’ve also know some ex Marines who could cuss, drink, womanize, lie, cheat, and steal most of us under the table.  “Marine” has nothing to do with “Christian.”

 

I can tell you exactly why Christianity Today called a scene about a Marine “Christian content.”  In today’s culture, evangelical Christianity has become inexorably tied to conservative politics and to the military in particular.  

 

To many people, being a “Christian” means that you are a card carrying, abortion opposing, flag-burning amendment pushing, war-rallying Republican. In fact, I bet there will be several people who read this and say, “of course that’s what it means.” Those would be the same people who would echo the words of my pastor many years ago who made the following comment when I registered as a Democrat: “Mark, it is completely impossible to be a Christian and be a Democrat.”  I made the observation in an earlier post that this statement does prove that it is not impossible to be a pastor and be clinically brain dead.

 

I happen to think that Jesus was the ultimate liberal, and perhaps someday in another entry I’ll explain why. I also happen to know that there are many people who are becoming fed up with evangelical Christianity’s ties to conservative politics. I ran across a New York Times article recently about a very courageous pastor who is bucking this trend and the impact this has had on his church. The article in entitled: Disowning Conservative Politics, Evangelical Pastor Rattles Flock  (The New York Times link is now dead, so I’ve pasted the text of the article into an old post – I encourage you to read it. It’s a facinating article)

 

I applaud this pastor and his efforts to keep the church separate from the state. The church is about things so much more important than politics. So what do you think? Would Jesus have voted for George Bush? 

ACCORDING TO OUR PRESIDENT, THE JURY IS “STILL OUT” ON GLOBAL WARMING

 

Our local weather guys have been quite pleased to report this weekend that a cold front has moved through and cooled us down a few degrees.

 

Here’s a photo of the speedometer in my car this afternoon. Notice the outside air temperature reading:

 

 

I’ve got a chill…where’s my parka???

MEL SHOWS HIS TRUE COLORS

 

 

Mad Max is beyond more than just the Thunderdome these days; he’s beyond belief.  His recent remarks during his DUI arrest which included comments about f*^ki*g Jews, and the zinger; “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world”, seems to put an end to the debate over whether there was any anti-Semitic motivation behind his movie “The Passion of the Christ.”  

 

I remember Gibson’s father being interviewed when the movie was released and hearing him make the comment that the holocaust was mostly “fiction.” I guess the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. In fact, Mel once said that it was possible that his wife was going to go to hell because she was Episcopalian.  Gibson has stated in the past that his belief system comes out of his devotion to his traditional Catholic faith. I don’t think the Catholic faith has anything to do with it; I just think Mel is a freaking bigot.

 

I’m not letting organized religion off the hook, however. I don’t think it’s inappropriate or inaccurate to say that much of the bigotry in the world today is the result of organized religion.  And I’m certainly not singling out Catholicism. I think all organized religion is to blame.  In fact, I’ll be happy to put my Southern Baptist roots right up there with the greatest offenders.

 

Please understand that I’m not talking about personal faith, I’m talking about religion. I wrote this in a blog about a year ago: “I think what has finally dawned on me is that there is a difference between faith and religion. I still want to be a person of faith, but I no longer want to be religious. Faith embraces tolerance. Religion abhors it. Faith can acknowledge theological differences. Religion labels people as heretics and infidels. Faith embraces life, while throughout history; more people have been killed in the name of religion than for any other reason.”  I felt that way a year ago, and when I hear asinine comments like those Mr. Gibson made, I feel it even more strongly today.

 

In fact, for a person who is a Bible College and Seminary graduate, who is ordained and serves part time on a church staff, I may have come to despise organized religion more than anyone on the planet, more than even my hero George Carlin who said this:

 

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!

 

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

 

But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

 

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would’ve been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say “this guy”, because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.

 

No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn’t give a shit. 

 

It’s easy for those of us who have a strong personal faith to say “George, you just don’t understand the way it works. You don’t understand God’s love.” 

 

I’m here to tell you, when “Christians” like Mel make front page news, I completely understand where George is coming from.