June 12, 2006
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FROM THE “OTHER SIDE”
This past weekend I was involved in a highly unfortunate nipple-piercing accident and was tragically killed. Oddly enough, I was able to find broadband internet access here in the afterlife, so I’m writing to you from “the other side.” I’m amazed at how fast the connection is here. In fact, you could say that it’s as “quick as a prayer.”
I’m sure that many of you are interested in what it’s like here. As with any of life’s events (or afterlife’s events as the case may be), there is some good news and some bad news:
The good news is that Islam is correct; you do get 77 virgins when you die. The bad news is that there is a reason they were virgins.
The good news is that you are greeted by Saint Peter. The bad news is that it is Peter Falk (and I’m not convinced he was wearing anything under that trench coat).
The good news is that I was drawn into a bright light. The bad news is that it may have been the policeman’s flashlight as he checked for pupil response.
The bad news is that the streets are not paved with gold. The good news is that they are lined with barrels of oil. God said he wanted to use something that had actual value.
The good news is that I was greeted by many of my relatives who have gone on before me. The bad news is that most of them annoyed the hell out of me in real life and they are just as annoying now.
The bad news is that God doesn’t own “the cattle on a thousand hills.” The good news is that he told me he does own stock in Google.
The good news is that you do get to see your pets in the afterlife. The bad news is that they still shit on the floor.
Now that I’m here, I plan to do several things that I’ve been dying to do. I’m going to start by visiting all of those psychics that say they can see the dead and scare the crap out of them. After that I’m going to go bowling up here to see if it actually sounds like thunder. Finally, I plan to let George Bush know that management up here thinks he’s a putz, and that the same is true for Pat Robertson.
The point is that for all of you folks who are SOOOOOOOO convinced that you have this whole religion thing figured out that you’re willing to kill each other over it… you’re in for some big surprises (and not all of them are likely to be pleasant).
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go back through those 77 virgins, at least one of them must have shaved their mustache.
(Edit: I am aware that Peter Falk is “technically” still alive. However, he hasn’t appeared to be for almost two decades, which makes him eligible for pearly gate duty in my book)
Comments (18)
I don’t mean to de-value the theological lesson here, but I’d really like to hear more about the nipple-piercing accident.
Personally, I’d really rather NOT hear about the nipple piercing accident. It make my nipples hurt just thinking about it.
I’m a little alarmed that Peter Falk is there. Because he’s still here too!
Save me a seat.
I would like you to explain the nipple piercing accident. That has to be a great story! Question…..do women get 77 virgins too?
Um do you have a bagel with cream cheese every morning ….like on the commercials?
Wow. I don’t know what to think or say. But wow. LOL
I had a thought which is now gone, thanks to “ok123LetsGO”. For the record, someone else can have my 77 virgins if there is indeed gender equality on the other side, because I’m not starting out the afterlife with 77 bad sexual experiences, thank you very much.
I agree wholeheartedly with PrimevalWench. I want 77 experienced and highly sought-after gigolo types.
Oh, I’m so glad to hear you have internet access up there. We, too, have had broadband access down here for quite some time, but it’s always subject to outages, especially when the fires are raging their hottest.
I, too, would like to hear about the accident that caused your demise. So glad you can still communicate with the rest of us! LOL about the 70 “stached” virgins!
Kathi
I personally think that the relatives of mine who annoy the crap out of me are going to outlive me!
Ohmigosh….this is one of the best posts I’ve EVER read…..so funny!!!
Gimme your address and I’ll send some Nair up to you. That crap’ll eat hair off of anything!
Please keep an eye out for my old cat. She’s a calico, missing her left eye and part of her right ear. She used to answer to LadyLuck.
THE BEST POST EVER!…77 virgins……moustache…..LMAO….you are too much mister!
But I agree with some of the others here, we need to hear more about the nipple peircing incident that caused this newist gathering of heavenly information…
My, aren’t you a fountain of entertaining information today? Thanks for the laughs!
Someone on the radio was talking about the 77 virgins thing today. It went something like this: “So in Islam, a woman who remains chaste and pure her whole life… will eventually die and become a sex slave in the afterlife.”
Nipple piercings seem to be the hit over here Mark…yes, please explain. LOL
RYC: Yes, My Avalanche can haul your small car around…..you will chip in for gas??? right???
ROTFLMAO……I want to see you scare them…please? If the light was the policeman’s flashlight, are you sure you’re dead? Could this be some emergency room drug induced state? And that’s why they all have mustaches? Because they are really guys checking out the bad nipple piercing?
LOVE this post!!