March 21, 2006
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THE PERFECT HUSBAND?
I would like to thank all of the very kind people who left comments on my last post suggesting that I might actually be a decent husband. I’m very appreciative that you would think well of me. I try hard to be a good husband and I would certainly like to aspire to your notion of my husbandly qualifications. Let me state for the record, however…
I’m not always a walk in the park.
Trust me on this. Allow me to provide you with the:
TOP TEN REASONS I WILL NEVER WIN HUSBAND OF THE YEAR
10. You should see the floor in my closet. Oh, wait a minute…you can’t see the floor in my closet because my dirty clothes never make it into the laundry basket and are piled up to the ceiling. I had been single for a long time before I married my wife and I’m very used to doing my own laundry, which I continue to do. However, I wait until I literally don’t have a single thing left to wear before I will break down and actually wash all 172 loads of my laundry. This is why I own over 70 pairs of underwear…I can go a LONG time before I have to wash clothes.
9. I am incapable of putting things back where I found them. I find it to be a much better use of time to spend two hours searching for a particular screwdriver that would have taken me 30 seconds to put back in the tool box when I was done with it the last time I used it. I have learned, however, not to ask my wife where something is. She is a very organized person and upon being asked where something is that I’ve obviously misplaced, she will give me an icy stare of death that is capable of actually lowering the room temperature by 30 degrees.
8. I am obsessed with symmetry. If my wife and I are working together on a home project, it must be laid out within tolerances that a diamond cutter would find to be overkill. For example; we recently had three family portraits framed to put over the mantle on our fireplace. When it came time to actually hang the pictures I employed laser levels, a computer capable of calculating Pi to 500 million digits, and GPS satellite technology in order to get the pictures hung perfectly. They have medication for people like me, but I refuse to take it.
7. I’m deaf but I like to pretend I’m not. I had a swimming accident as a teenager that left me with some nerve deafness in my right ear. I can hear, but if someone is talking to me and there is any background noise, I have a very difficult time understanding what they are saying. To keep from asking my wife to repeat herself every time she says something, I just guess at the words I’m not sure I heard correctly. This can cause problems, like when I’m standing in the yard, furiously raking leaves because I thought she said “Rake the lawn – go with urgency – zoom!” when she actually said “take my mom to the emergency room!”
6. I despise talking on the telephone. If I’m in the office, I’m on the phone most of the day. If I’m out of the office, I’m answering my cell phone once every three minutes. So, in my personal life I hate talking on the telephone like I hate having diarrhea, only worse. I refuse to answer the phone at home when it rings, and when my lovely wife calls me on my cell, I know she can tell that I’m trying to get off the phone as quickly as possible. She has learned not to take this personally, but I’m sure she would rather I respond to her calls with something other than, “yeah, uh-huh, right, sure, ok” and “whatever.”
5. I embarrass my wife when we talk to salespeople. Even though I make my living in sales, I hate salespeople. This is especially true of car salesmen and furniture salesmen. I really try to be a decent, polite, gregarious person but there is something about these scum sucking, gutter dwelling, excuses for humanity that tends to bring out the worst in me. If I am swarmed by salespeople when I walk into a business, or if I detect even the smallest hint of bullshit coming out of a salesperson’s mouth I can be brutally rude. No…you don’t understand. I mean brutally rude on a level that would make the hair on the back of your neck curl up. I’m a bad, bad man.
4. My wife loves to plan things. In my business, the sales cycle is very long; sometimes several years. Therefore I am usually working at least a year ahead; maybe two, three, or even five; constantly planning and preparing for the next project. This means when I get home I typically only want to think as far ahead as what I’m having for dinner. If I’m really in the mood for forward thinking, I might consider if I’m going to watch the Daily Show at 10:00 or go to bed early. My wife, however, will spend hours on the internet planning a vacation we aren’t going to take for over a year. When I get pissy about being asked to be involved in this process it robs her of the joy and excitement that planning things brings her. This is a big struggle for me.
3. Directions?!?!? I don’t need no stinking directions!
2. In the A/V systems contracting business things have to happen very quickly. It’s understood in our office that if you wear your feelings on your sleeve you won’t last long in the business. When I’m talking with employees, I’m straight and direct and to the point. We don’t have the time or the luxury to pull any punches. When I get stressed, I sometimes take this behavior home and talk to my wife like she is one of the employees. I can’t even begin to describe how poorly this goes over.
1. Sensitive men talk about their feelings. Some day I hope to meet a man who actually does this. I’m also hoping to some day meet Bigfoot. I figure the chances are about even. I’m a very empathetic person and I will be glad to sit for hours and listen to you talk about your problems, worries, and concerns. I won’t try to fix them; I’ll just sit and listen. What? You want me to talk about my own problems and worries?…not a snowball’s chance in hell. I find verbalizing things that I’m worried about just stresses me out more. I’m quite happy to keep everything bottled up inside until I have meltdown, thank you very much…just the way God intended men to be.
Ballroom dancing lessons, surprise bookcases, concerts…it’s easy to look like a good husband on the surface. It’s that day to day stuff that is much, much harder.
But I will say…it’s definitely worth it.
Comments (21)
Well, the one reason why you might win is because you can admit those 10 things that are wrong.. some/most men can’t do that..
that’s what puts you above the rest!
have a great day.
Waitaminute. Those are bad things???
Every one of those things sounds like typical male traits to me! My husband never gets his stuff actually in the laundry basket, but on the floor next to the basket. Plus he doesn’t do his own laundry. Taking 3 hours to hang a picture because you’ve got every gadget known to man, not talking about your feelings, not asking for directions, sorry, all typical. Plus you’ve got the ballroom dancing thing going for you. Come on admit it, you’re the perfect husband!
Fine, Mister. I am taking back my nomination for Husband of The Year……you, you, you man!
My husband is 6,3,2 and 1 also!
But you always talk about how beautiful your wife is and you do those sweet gestures for her so you ARE a good husband. Heck, I am not a man but my laundry can sure get piled high too!
RYC…..about your 94 degree weather. Last week it was in the 70′s here, then we were hit with those awful tornadoes….and now a blizzard…it is definitely Illinois living!!
But all we women really want is a husband who looks like a good husband on the surface. We know men aren’t perfect. and (whisper this to another living soul and Jimmy Hoffa will be found before you are) neither are women. It really is an ego boost to have your friends say, “You are so lucky to have a good man like *insert name here*. I wish my husband were more like him.”
Are you sure you didn’t mix up my list with yours? I get in trouble for not helping with the grocery list. How do I know what I want to eat on Thursday? Who says I won’t get hit by a truck on Wednesday.
RYC: If I had one ounce of musical talent in my whole entire body, I would start a band called hermaphriditic snowmen. Maybe we could find a local band and exploit them, and name them that.
See, the fact that you can admit your shortcomings is the reason that you ARE a great husband!…and just what is with you guys and not being able to admit you need to read the directions!…I just don’t get it?!…I have to admit that after the first few years together and our only disagreement being about my hubby’s refusal to read directions beffore putting things together, he now not only reads them….he makes sure that I NOTICE that he is reading them!….gotta love him!
Wait. When I look at your top ten list, are you SURE you aren’t my husband with his own Xanga page and someone else’s photo – to stay anonymous?
I don’t think that the things on this blog indicate that you’re a great husband. They do, however, indicate that you’re a very SMART husband.
It’s interesting to me to read these things and see what I picked up from you and what I didn’t. Laundry, check. Symmetry, minus the crazy, check. Hate the telephone, double check.
All that is fina and dandy but what we really wanna know is…Did she totally love love love it?
For every reason you stated that you aren’t the husband of the year, I could state 10 reasons why you ARE husband of the year!!! As Jordan stated, you are a smart husband too. You’re the best and I think I’ll keep ya!!! LOVE YA Babe!!!
Of course I loved it!!! I was extremely impressed and totally surprised. He’s good at keeping secrets or maybe he’s devious, I’m not sure….
I would say from the amount of self-knowledge and the fact that you explain how you try…you are good husband material. Honesty and tolerance are what my mother claims has held her marriage together for fifty years. I just read both of those. Kudos, dear! Does she laughingly shout avalanche when you open the closet with the dirty clothes pile?
I’ve found that a number 1 can only talk about his own feelings. “Enough about me. What do you think of me?” The new age sensitive male. Bleh.
New to this blogring and really enjoying your posts….amazingly funny and realistic…I like a man who does not b.s. his way through his saintly attributes and admits his flaws….but occasionally…the beauty is in the flaws….one of my favorite things to say…you will hear it repeated often…great to ‘meet’ you…look forward to reading more!
Dude, you used 10 points of introspection to demonstrate that you are the sensitive guy you claim not to be. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
How refreshing to read someone actually say why they are not the ideal person. I must admit that I identified with many of your faults. My husband has often told me that he is not my employee and so I shouldn’t tell him exactly how I want things done and when and plan it out. Being in sales, I too HATE salespeople. I can spot a schmooz job a million miles away and I hate it. I also have little patience for business’ that don’t understand the meaning of customer service. I know it isn’t the employees issue if I don’t like the company policy. But give me good service EVERY time or there will be hell to pay!
RYC: Let’s hear it for the midgets! I seem to have opened up my own can of worms. I probably deserve it.
Somehow I find it hard to believe you have a pile of clothes at the bottom of your closet.