EDIT: Although I try to be as inoffensive as possible when I write about my personal spiritual journey, I understand that it is impossible not to offend someone, somewhere. I often get email when I write about spiritual matters. Some are positive, some are negative, and all are appreciated. I did get an email today about the post below that was so intriguing, I thought I would post excerpts from it. I’ve pasted it in below the original post, and at the authors’ request, I have allowed them to remain anonymous.
MY JOURNEY AWAY FROM FUNDAMENTALISM, PART 2: WHY I NOW HAVE THE FUNDAMENTALIST HEBBIE-JEBBIES.
I’ve been writing about growing up as a Southern Baptist fundamentalist, and how I’ve come to be an unabashed liberal with views and beliefs very different from those I grew up with. In part 1 (please read before you read this post), I discussed what I loved about growing up in that environment. In part 2, I’m going to talk about why I will NEVER go back to it.
This is how the transformation took place: I was walking down the Damascus Road when, suddenly, I was blinded by a brilliant light. Al Franken appeared to me and asked me why I was persecuting Democrats. Ok, maybe that didn’t happen, but for those of you who are thinking that it must have been a singular defining moment in my life, I’m afraid I’m going to disappoint you. It actually was a very slow process that started back in college (cue harp music and wavy image as I travel back in time).
I mentioned in part 1 that my church was the very center of my life as a pre-teen and teenager. During this time I got quite an indoctrination into fundamentalist rhetoric (Note: I said “fundamentalist rhetoric” NOT Southern Baptist theology. I have nothing against Southern Baptists. My issues are with fundamentalism, and I understand that there is a difference – so don’t send me ugly emails). One of the basic tenants of fundamentalism is an “us-against-them” mentality. I was taught (subtly and not so subtly) that anyone who did not believe like we did was part of the “world” and was the enemy. This included, but was not limited too: Democrats, homosexuals, anyone who smoked, drank, or danced, anyone who was divorced, and anyone who was not of the Christian faith (and other protestant denominations were highly suspect). Jews were not the enemy but they were to be pitied because they failed to recognize Jesus as the Messiah, and we had to take their place as God’s chosen people. We were taught that if we prayed hard enough and sent money to “Jews for Jesus” maybe they still had some hope. This rhetoric was masked in the teaching that “God hates sin, but loves the sinner and that we also should love the sinner but do everything in our power to convert them.” It’s a nice thought, but unfortunately, once we got out from in front of the pulpit it wasn’t unusual to hear something more along the lines of “I hope one of them faggots makes a pass at me, ‘cause I’ll bust his head open with a ball bat.”
I actually had the concept in High School that most of the rest of the world believed like I did. It was with this belief and the background described above that I went off to college. As I mentioned in part 1, I got an excellent liberal arts education at OBU and many of the professors were intent on showing us kids from the heartland of the Bible belt that there was a bigger world out there. I took Western Civilization and Literature and World Religions. I was shocked to find out that my religious beliefs actually put me in the minority when it came to the rest of the world. I began to have a very hard time getting my head around the concept that there were people all over the world who held beliefs that were very different from mine and they were just as committed to their religion and the belief that they were right as I was. I had always been told that anyone who was not a “born again Christian” was going to hell. “God doesn’t send anyone to hell” I was told, “people choose hell by default because of their unbelief.” I would protest by asking “So…you’re telling me that a child raised in China as a Buddhist, and for whom Buddhism is central to their culture and their lives, and who is unlikely to ever consider another possibility because of that culture, is going to hell because of that belief?” The answer would be “If they ever had the opportunity to hear the gospel of Christ and refused to believe it, yes, they are going to hell.” That made me really glad I was born in Oklahoma and not Beijing.
My little world was beginning to expand. As part of my college experience, I began to read authors like Dostoevsky, Franz Kafka, and Thomas Pynchon, who had VERY different world views from mine. I also moved in with someone who was supposed to be the enemy. That’s right…I ended up with a gay roommate. I had a whole list of stereotypes in my head about what he was supposed to be like, and DAMMIT he didn’t live up to a single one of them! He didn’t try to “bring me over to the dark side.” He was kind, and generous, and caring, and would do anything for anyone. In fact, he had the nerve to end up being one of the most decent and honorable people I’ve ever known. I knew it was ok to like him, but that I was supposed to hate his sin. I just had a hard time hating anything about him.
I left college with my fundamentalism shaky but still loosely in tact. Then I got into the actual ministry, and boy was I in for a surprise. I won’t go into a great deal of explanation here other than to say, I had it in my head that all “Church People” were good, decent, loving folks. I quickly discovered that they could, in fact, be the most downright evil people I’d ever met. For a story about an incident (typical of numerous incidents that occurred early in my years in the ministry) that had a huge impact on me, read this post: Black Kids at a Lock-In, Oh My!
It didn’t happen overnight. As the years went by, the core beliefs I used to hold onto so tightly began to ravel away. I could go on for pages and pages talking about how specific incidents began to move my ideology toward the left, such as the incident of a 16 year old girl in one of my churches who got pregnant, and without access to abortion, and in fear of her parents, attempted to end her life by drinking Drano, and how that shook my stance on abortion rights. I’ll save all those stories for a rainy day, but let’s just say as the days passed by I had a harder and harder time holding onto the beliefs of my childhood.
I tried too though. I tried really hard. My job in the ministry was to continue to teach those beliefs to each new generation and I began to do a very poor job of fulfilling that calling. I wanted out, but it was all I had ever known and I had no idea what else to do. As a child, if I were to confront a problem head on, like my father for example; that confrontation could get me the back of a hand. So I became very good at passive aggressive behavior. In fact, I’m still the national poster child, but at least I know this about myself. Again, I won’t go into details, but let’s just say I began to engage in some very self-destructive behaviors that took the decision for me to leave the ministry out of my hands and put it in the hands of others.
I did abandon those behaviors, and I’ve been out of the ministry now for 13 years. Over that time my views have moved more and more to the left everyday. Hey, if it’s good enough for Supreme Court Justices, It’s good enough for me.
The odd thing is that I’ve never abandoned my faith. How’s that you say? I think that what finally dawned on me is that there is a difference between faith and religion. I still wanted to be a person of faith, but I no longer wanted to be religious. Faith embraces tolerance. Religion abhors it. Faith can acknowledge theological differences. Religion labels people as heretics and infidels. Faith embraces life, while throughout history; more people have been killed in the name of religion than for any other reason. In response to part 1, my friend misinterpreted1 left this comment: “The church has never saved my life, but my faith definitely has on more than one occasion.” I think she hit the nail on the head. It took me a long time to separate the rhetoric I grew up with and some of the people who espoused it, from my notion of a God who loves me, and wants me to treat people with love, respect, and dignity. But I have, and my faith in God has never been stronger.
I simply no longer possess the arrogance to assume my particular brand of faith has all the answers, and I’ve learned to respect people who believe differently than I do.
I’ve been told that it’s impossible to be a Christian and be a liberal. For me, it would be impossible to be a Christian and be anything else.
Email referenced in the edit:
I guess I am one of those fundamentalists you so obviously disdain… and what difference is there between you, who now believes he’s so much above the hypocrisy of the church, as you look down your enlightened nose at us? In my experience and at my church I attend the people are loving and kind and reach out to those not “like” us .We would welcome a teenage pregnant girl and love and care for her as she carries the life in her – not encourage her to add to her own pain by destroying it. I feel sorry for you that you have possibly never attended a Bible-loving, Christ worshipping fellowship of believers whose only desire is to please Him and not get ahead in the church ladder. I don’t know where you served in “ministry” as you put it, but unfortunately, I think you may have done more harm than good. The ministry is not a “job” as you put it – it’s a calling for which most that are called suffer hardship and difficulty but do so with joy – I speak from experience. …That’s about all I have to say. I’ll just close by saying you really need to get off your self-important high-horse and realize you’re just a sinner like the rest of us and just pray when you face your Creator He’ll be happy with all you’re doing and saying! Ok just read that and it sounds a lot harsher than I meant it to but maybe you should go back and read your own blog and see how incredibly arrogant you sound!
Naaaa…that wasn’t harsh. In fact, such an outpouring of Christian love has left me feeling all warm and tingly inside. What do you think my dear fellow bloggers?
