January 29, 2006

• (Audio Version)

  
  

  ♫ Here she is…Miss-Cellaneous ♫

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  On Saturday evening January 21^st, Miss Oklahoma Jennifer Berry was crowned as our 2006 Miss America. The reaction here in Oklahoma has been tepid at best. “Well, that’s all well and good, but if she had been named Miss NASCAR, now THAT would of been something!” is the typical reaction from most Oklahomans.

  
  

   

  
  

  The “yawn” factor seemed to be the national reaction as well. Despite the move from Atlantic City to Sin City, the pageant wasn’t even carried by a major network this year and was instead aired on Country Music Television; a network that gets most of its revenue from advertising snuff (that’s chewing tobacco for those of you who live north of the Mason-Dixon Line).

  
  

   

  
  

  I was actually part of the pageant system for several years. I emceed a local pageant for a couple of years and then did audio production for the show for quite awhile after that. My company also did audio and video production for the Miss Oklahoma Pageant for many years.

  
  

   

  
  

  I did this because it is a wholesome, all-American activity, in which deserving young women receive scholarships, giving them the opportunity to further their education.  I swear that the fact that I got to hang out backstage with a dozen or so extremely scantily-clad college age girls during the week of rehearsals leading up to the show had absolutely no bearing on my decision to be a part of the process.

  
  

   

  
  

  My favorite part of the pageants I was a part of (other than some horrific “talent” that made American Idol wannabees look like Mick Jagger) was the public service issue that served as their “platforms.” These platforms are always innocuous issues that are completely devoid of any hint of controversy. This year, Miss Oklahoma’s platform was the “prevention of drunken driving.” I mean, who wouldn’t be against drunk driving? I often rail against drunk driving; especially after I’ve had two or three Long Island Ice Teas with my coworkers on my way home from work on Thursday evenings.

  
  

   

  
  

  I always wished some contestant would have the balls (not literally; I was never in favor of cross-dressing contestants) to have an extremely controversially platform like “why I believe in the clubbing of baby seals” or perhaps, “crack cocaine…how it helped me lose weight for the swimsuit competition.” But alas, all we ever got here in Oklahoma was insipid drivel like “Why Anita Bryant was right about homosexuals all along.”

  
  

   

  
  

  In this age of Reality TV and “Girls Gone Wild” videos, I’m afraid that the Miss American Pageant has become too passé for the tastes of modern Americans.  I miss my pageant years sometimes, though. I miss the ridiculously easy questions from the judges, I miss hearing “Memories” from Cats sung badly year after year after year, I miss the undulating, ripe, young…oops! Sorry…got lost there for a second.

  
  

   

  
  

  I’m proud that Oklahoma’s own Jennifer Berry is the new Miss America. Now if Oklahoma can just produce a Hooter’s Calendar Girl, we can really be on the map!

  • 7:51 pm
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