PRODUCT TIE-INS FROM HELL

I like to spend a few minutes every morning perusing the web for news that has gravitas; news that has the potential to impact our lives in profound ways; news that can literally shape our destiny. So this morning, I clicked on a link at CNN.COM to see what was going on with the guy who got his ass glued to the toilet at the Home Depot store in Louisville, Colorado.

First of all, I thought the title of the Associate Press article; “Man glued to toilet sticks to story” was pretty damn funny. But what really caught my attention was a section of advertiser links on the page. There are links to Bath Beautiful, Kohler, and Home Center, all promoting their line of toilet seats.

I didn’t visit the links, but if I was writing the advertising copy, it would have read “our toilet seats don’t play grab-ass.”

I feel bad making light of this poor man’s plight, but it does illustrate Madison Avenue’s ability to plunge to any level of bad taste necessary to introduce product tie-ins. After all, Bruno Magli shoes seized on the publicity of the O.J. Simpson trial in order to promote sales.

I seriously doubt if there are any Madison Avenue execs out there reading this, but in the microscopic chance that there are and you happen to be hiring, here are some other product tie-ins you might want to consider:

When reporting on Avian Flu, why not advertise down filled pillows?

When reporting on Scooter Libby or Carl Rove, why not advertise designer handcuffs?

When reporting on the number of soldiers killed in Iraq, why not market G.I. Joe dolls to little boys? They could come equipped with tiny substandard protective vests!

You know, I bet I’m too late. I imagine the GOP has already thought of that last one.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS

I’m currently sitting in the Baltimore/Washington airport at gate B17 trying to kill time during a three-hour layover. I’m headed back home to Tulsa after a business trip to North Carolina.

SIDE NOTE REGARDING NORTH CAROLINA: I’ve mentioned before that when I’m traveling, I like to listen to regional talk radio. I do this because nothing gives you a better feel for what a place is like than the local “Ted and Earl in the Morning” show. After listening to several hours’ worth on my way from Raleigh/Durham to Charlotte, I have a suggestion for the Charlotte Chamber of Commerce:  Your state and your city are breathtakingly beautiful. In fact I’ve looked into the possibility of moving to your city. I also understand that you are very proud of your local culture and heritage, and I’m glad you are. However, if you wish to attract business to your city from a more diverse geographic region than just other cities in the south, you might want to dial back the “grits eating-rebel yelling-NASCAR driving-we kill Liberals in these parts” rhetoric JUUUUUSSSTTT a little bit. Don’t get me wrong, I like grits too, and I think watching cars go in a circle for three hours is great fun, but as a Democrat I felt as conspicuous as Bill Clinton holding a blue dress. As I was walking through my hotel I was afraid that my mere presence would set off high-tech “Democrat detection” sensors, and that at any moment, three very large gentlemen wearing Dale Earnhardt ball caps would appear and take me out back to show me some “Southern Hospitality.”  Yes, I know; Oklahoma is just as much of a red state as North Carolina, if not more so, but in Oklahoma I’ve already tripped all the Democrat sensors and they just ignore me because they know my vote is meaningless there.

Back to airport layovers: To pass the time, I try to keep my mind occupied by playing a game I like to call “colorful back-story.” Allow me to give you an example:

As I look at the people seated around me I notice a man that I suspect is in his early 30’s with two small boys. One boy is about six years old and is wearing baggy pants and has his Spider Man ball cap on backwards. His younger brother is eating Rice Krispees straight from the box and only about one in twenty of the Krispees is actually making it to his mouth. In fact, the entire area around him makes it appear that it has been snowing breakfast cereal. At first glance you might think it is simply a father and his two boys traveling together. You couldn’t be further from the truth. The colorful back-story is that the older boy is actually the latest “it” young hip-hop/rap record producer. His name is Pee-Wee-Diddly and his younger brother is the lazy “dumb sibling” that he gave a job too just to keep him off the streets. The man traveling with them is not their father; he’s just a member of their Posse.

Directly across from me is a strikingly beautiful young woman in her late 20’s. She has perfectly coiffed hair, and she is wearing a finely tailored black suit. She has on a silk blouse that is unbuttoned just to the point that it is provocative without being TOO provocative. She is also wearing platform shoes with, what appear to be, six inch stiletto heels.  You probably think she is simply a young business woman on a trip to see a client. If you think that you would be oh-so-wrong, ye of little imagination and a real job. She is actually the owner and operator of “Mistress Helga’s House of Pain” and she is on her way to Eastern Europe to recruit ex-Olympic female track and field athletes to come to the states to help “discipline” clients at her place of business.

Finally, all around me are guys that look just like me. They are wearing business suits with ties askew and are either furiously typing on their laptops or are loudly promising “on time delivery” on their cell phones. Just a bunch of traveling salesmen like me, you think? Not so fast, Kimosabe. We are actually a highly trained group of Ninja Assassins hired by the Democratic Party. We are headed to Wal-Mart’s corporate offices in Bentonville, Arkansas where we plan to exact revenge for the working-poor in America.

I know, I amuse myself very easily.

Ok, I’m done with this post and I still have two and a half hours to kill. Let’s see, I wonder what the story is with this guy on a ladder replacing florescent light bulbs? I bet those aren’t REALLY light bulbs, I’ll bet…

BARE ASSED AND HUMILIATED; NOT A GOOD WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE

The Associated Press reported a story today about a Colorado man who is suing Home Depot because he became the victim of a Halloween prank. Apparently, someone put industrial grade adhesive on a toilet seat in the public restroom. When the man sat down to take a short “break” from his shopping activities, he became permanently affixed to the commode. The man screamed that he was “stuck to the toilet” for about 15 minutes. Store employees heard the man, but did not respond because they thought it was a joke. The 57 year old man was recovering from open heart surgery and feared he was having a heart attack. He is suing the store for negligence.

When paramedics finally arrived, they unbolted the toilet from the floor, put the man (still stuck to the toilet) on a dolly, and wheeled him out of the store. I’m pretty sure that I cannot think of a single thing that would be more humiliating than being wheeled out of a Home Depot with my ass glued to a toilet, in front of hundreds of shoppers. I’m sure that in “hind” site, the store employees wish they had responded sooner.

While I find that I’m very amused by the plight of this poor man, I’m terribly concerned that as a nation, we are about to have our bare ass dragged out in front of the entire world.

Human rights investigators from the United Nations have been requesting for three years to be able to inspect the Guantanamo Bay detention facility where over 550 terror suspects are being held without real legal representation. The Pentagon finally extended an invitation but told inspectors they could not interview any of the detainees. The inspectors are snubbing the invitation because they find the concept of attempting to discover if there is prisoner abuse without getting to talk to actual prisoners to be a pretty silly proposition. There is a group of prisoners that have been on a hunger strike to protest what they say is cruel and inhumane treatment. It has been rumored that the hunger strikers are being “force-fed in a brutal manner bordering on the sadistic.”

Am I confused, or didn’t we just invade a nation because we believed our inspectors were not being given the full truth? I’m sure the Pentagon could make things look very pretty for the inspectors. When people come over to my home, I can make the house look great on the surface, but that doesn’t mean I invite my quests to look through my closets. The Pentagon’s excuse is that interviewing the prisoners could be detrimental to national security, but I don’t know a single reasonable person that doesn’t see that as the smoke screen it is.

I understand the argument for torture. If a piece of information can be gained through torture that might save the lives of thousands of Americans, wouldn’t that be worth it? I also understand the emotional desire to inflict harm on those who have inflicted harm on us. However, the issue just isn’t that simple. If we want to wage a “holy” war we have to be on the moral high-ground. Experts tell us that torture almost never produces the intended results and it will put our troops in the way of even greater possible harm should they be captured. I don’t want my nation being guilty of the same human rights violations that the Husseins and Millosoviches of the world are guilty of. I want my nation to be above the things we condemn others for.

There are rumors of not only physical abuse at Guantanamo Bay, but religious and mental abuse as well. The truth about what has gone on there for the last three years will eventually come to light, and I am very frightened that what we find will make Abu Ghraib look like a Sunday school picnic.  I just don’t want America’s bare ass drug through the world press anymore than it already is on a daily basis. Do we really want to see this on the news anymore?

I know I’m sick of it.

I always hate it when I spend a lot of time carving a nice jack-o-lantern and neighborhood hoodlums steal it and bust it on my driveway.  This is how I combated the problem this year:

Bust that up…I dare you.