November 20, 2005

• My “Xangaversary” is a few days away. In honor of the countless hours I’ve spent on Xanga over the past year, I’m re-posting five of my favorite posts (one a day) from the last twelve months. Here is offering number 4:

  
  

   

  
  

       Sunday, May 01, 2005

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  “ANCHORS AWAY”   I admit it, I’m a news junkie. ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, CNN, MSNBC, BBC; I can’t seem to get enough. I’m becoming increasingly despondent, however, over the utter vapidity of most modern news anchors.  We used to have Walter Cronkite, now we have Heraldo Rivera. We are in news anchor hell and it only seems to be getting worse.   Have you ever watched a network news cast and thought “I could do a better job than those androids”?  Well, you could; and I’m about to tell you how to break into network news. I’ve been watching closely, and it appears there are only four basic qualifications:   You must have a cool name   I’m sorry but Wolf Blitzer and Stone Phillips are already taken so you’ll have to think of something else.   (Side note: It’s hard to imagine anyone actually naming their baby “Stone.” I’ve always thought that he was most likely conceived at Woodstock and his parents simply forgot to write down the last letter of his name when they were filling out the information for his birth certificate.)   If you’re having trouble coming up with something catchy, I’ve put together a simple tool for developing a moniker that will be sure to catch the ear of the networks execs.  The first thing to note, is that for a man, the first name must be hyper-masculine and single syllable. For women, the first name must be two syllables and cute, but not so cute that you sound like a dollar-a-lap-dance stripper.  Next, you pick a word associated with any of the following categories: wild animal, weather event, common building material, or piece of military gear. Arrange these in any combination. It’s even better if the name alliterates. Some examples:   Susan Tsunami Hank Humvee Gazelle Griffin Rick Rivet   Bonus points are awarded if you can combine words from the same category:   Brick Mortar Tank Howitzer   Once you have a name chosen you can move on to the next step which is developing the…   Ability to make wildly inappropriate segues.   “Frank, you are certainly correct, the Red Sox were really on fire tonight. And speaking of being on fire, let’s go to Shep Sheetrock in the field with live footage from a hotel blaze which appears to have taken the lives of over 200 illegal immigrants…”   Or perhaps…   “Thank you Chuck for that riveting report and graphic footage of the clubbing death of 50 baby seals. Speaking of clubbing, my friends and I go clubbing every weekend, and here to report on the newest craze in dance club music is night beat reporter….”   Yes, it is no longer enough to simply go from one story to the next. Now anchors must engage in mind numbing chit-chat; finding ever more inane ways to introduce upcoming material. But that’s not enough; you also have to be able to…   Be completely transparent about your personal political convictions.   Fox news (also know as the DNN – Dubya’s News Network) is the primary culprit when it comes to blatantly slanted reporting. It’s not uncommon to hear reports such as…   “Pro-Choice supporters gathered on Capital Hill today for a rally. For news on other Godless Heathens, let’s turn to…”   Or   “Democrats are again trying to block some of the President’s judicial appointments. Apparently, they actually believe that being a Klan member and a Nazi war criminal is reason to keep someone off the bench…”   Finally, you must have…   The “look.”   Men must have a chin chiseled enough to make Michelangelo feel like a failure, and women must look like a pageant contestant, only more perky. Sort of like Barbie on crack.    That’s all it takes, although a strong correlation between shoe size and IQ is a big plus.    I keep telling myself I’m just going to turn it off and go live in a commune in Montana, but I can’t help myself, I might miss an important Michael Jackson update on the “crawl” across the bottom of CNN.

  • 2:22 pm
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