October 28, 2005

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  EDIT: I joined LA Weight Loss on Saturday, and I officially start the program today. I currently weigh 188 lbs and the goal weight is 150. According the program, I’m supposed to lose 2 lbs a week for 19 weeks, putting me at my goal by the middle of March. I also have an appointment in the morning with my doctor to get back on my meds. The race has begun.

  
  

   

  
  

  By the way, my doctor is a woman. I know this is probably sexist, but I prefer women doctors because they typically seem smarter, more focused, and less prone to be dismissive. The only issue I have with having a woman doctor is when it comes time for the inevitable prostate exam. The last time I had this done, my doctor actually said “OK..now we get to see some skin!”  I’m not sure about this, but I think that under some circumstances that could be considered sexual harrasment. Although in this case, she was laughing hysterically when she said it, so it was more a blow to my self esteem. To add insult to injury, she couldn’t be in the room alone with me when she did this, so she invited a female nurse into the room to be part of the festivities. And people wonder why I don’t like to go to the doctor.

  
  

   

  
  

  “…a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack, I oughta know by now.”

  
  

   

  
  

  I recently sat down at one of those “self-check” blood pressure machines at a local Walgreen’s drug store. I put my arm in the little cuff and pushed the button for the test to start. The machine grunted along for a few minutes and then produced an error code and told me to continue to sit still. Suddenly a flashing red light and a siren went off in the store. All the lights went out and team of paramedics descended on rappelling ropes out of the ceiling and surrounded me with defibrillators and syringes full of adrenaline. Apparently, when your blood pressure is over a certain point it signals this team, like a silent alarm at a bank, because the machine is convinced you are currently in the throes of a heart attack.

  
  

   

  
  

  Ok, I made up the thing about the paramedics, but my blood pressure was shockingly high. I’ve been on and off medication for a year or so; with little result (the issue being that I’m off the medication more than I’m on it).  The blood pressure reading kind of scared me, though. My cholesterol is also off the charts, and both my parents died very young from heart attacks. I’ve been having some chest pain lately that I’ve told myself is indigestion, but I know that’s not true.

  
  

   

  
  

  I can’t imagine why I’m in this shape, though. I adhere to a strict exercise regimen of sitting at my computer, then sitting on an airplane, then sitting in a rental car, and then coming back to a hotel and sitting in front of my computer again. My diet consists of the finest airport and convenience store foods and I’ve been told that a steady influx of Cinnabons and Starbucks coffee will kill any bug in your system.

  
  

   

  
  

  I do feel it’s time to do something about my health. I’m much too young and beautiful to die. My wife joined LA Weight Loss about five weeks ago and has already lost 20 pounds. She looks fabulous. So…I’m joining with her tomorrow and I’m starting an exercise routine. I’m going to implement this routine in the home gym I spent lots of money to set up a couple of years ago and which has been serving only as a great place to hang clothes that I’ve become too fat to wear.

  
  

   

  
  

  Have you ever noticed those “before and after” photos in weight loss or exercise magazines?  The “before” pictures always show people with pasty white complexions looking like they just came through an interrogation at Guantanamo Bay. In the “after” pictures the people are not only thinner; but they are smilling, tanned, have perfect teeth, and are sitting in $100,000.00 sports cars. I’ve got to find out what in the water at those gyms they are advertising.

  
  

   

  
  

  I thought I would go ahead and post my own before and after pictures.

  
  

   

  
  

  Here I am now:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Here is where I hope to be three months from now:

  
  

   

  
  

  

  
  

   

  
  

  Wish me luck.

  • 12:05 pm
  • 36 Comments