August 25, 2005
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DEATH BY FIXATION
My son, Jordan, wrote a very thought provoking post about how dramatically his perception of campus-life has changed now that he’s seeing it through the eyes of a married graduate student.
As usual, he really has me thinking.
The last several years of my life have been intensely focused on reaching what seemed like a distant point; a point that always seemed to retreat as I closed in on it like the proverbial oasis in the desert. I’ve been working diligently, almost feverishly, to establish my career, create a happy marriage, get my son and step daughter through high school and college and see them happily married and prospering in their new homes and careers. Everything has been focused on reaching a point just past the completion of all these goals.
Well, I’m here…and it happened in an instant.
Now what?
I’m one month away from my 47th birthday. I know this only because my wife told me. I’ve reached the point that I can no longer remember how old I am and have to rely on her to keep track. This means I’m just three years away from AARP membership and the prospect of becoming a grandfather is not unthinkable in the reasonably near future.
As I read through my son’s post it dawned on me that, without even realizing it, my gaze has shifted and I’ve started fixating on another distant oasis.
I recently refinanced my house because I wanted to make certain that it would be paid for by retirement. I had an intense conversation with the Vice President of my company the other day about when he thought our owners might retire and consider selling the company. I had this conversation because I realized I was truly frightened that they might sell before I reached retirement. I’m scared to death because I can’t imagine losing my job or doing anything else for a living. My wife and I have been looking at making some investments in our home, but I find I’m paralyzed by how that might affect how much I can put in my 401K over the next 18 years.
I just realized I’m 47, but I’m already living like I’m 65.
So…it’s time to break out of this mind set. I still need to be financially responsible when it comes to the future, but I need to see a bigger world than the one that revolves around the size of my future social security check.
I have a degree in music theory and composition and I’m even published. I used to write voraciously but I haven’t written anything in years. It’s time to sit back down at the piano. I’ve always dreamed about writing a book about what it was like to leave the ministry. It’s time to pull out the paper and pencil. If I want to take a great vacation with my wife, damn it, I should just do it.
I make lots of jokes about getting older; ear hair, an expanding waist line, and having to set my newspaper across the room in order to be able to read it. But I’m only 47. I’m not old, I just need to stop thinking I am.
EDIT: I may be 47, but I can still cut a rug with a cute redhead.
Comments (21)
I’ve been thinking about 401Ks lately myself…I think I’ll be ready to retire a millionaire before I hit 30.
maybe it’s time you did what my mom did. Sell your car for dirt cheap, buy an overly expensive SUV, (I suppose men buy a sports car) and go through your mid life crisis. Don’t do that. Actually.
This got the biggest rise out of me than any of your posts so far.
Dad, you have always had a spirit that could not be contained by any job, any life-turmoil, or any son’s college expenses. You are HANDS-DOWN the most talented and exciting person that I know. You have the skill and the passion to do a thousand amazing things, and thankfully, plenty of time in your life to do them in.
I’ve very much wanted you to write music again. Your charm and wit comes through on paper so well, and your life in, out, and around the ministry is one of the most compelling tales of God and Religion that the world has seen. You deserve to see St. Petersburg again. Go. Do.
It’s what you’ve always instilled in me. Live it large because the world would be less if you don’t.
I was in my 50s before I realized I had something of a flair for killing people. You have, apparently, done a helluva job raising your son. Take his advice.
Please come read a blogring announcement.
My husband is your exact opposite in that he thinks he is 27…yall should try to meet in the middle at 47 (which is his age too)
I think you should definitely write that book. Personally,I would just enjoy reading it and saying “I (sort of) know this guy!!!!!!”, but more importantly, you have a way of writing that touches, gets to, or just plain makes people think. You could give a lot to the great big world of writing.
That’s a book I would very much enjoy reading. I’m not a patient person, so get busy.
Interesting perspective on many interesting subjects. And, being 47 struck a chord with me … but only because I am.
I guess your blog today was full of things that make me go, “Hhmmmm.” But as Martha says, “That’s a GOOD thing!”
Found it interesting, as I said …. may have to come back and check up on you. And it’s a good thing you have a wife who keeps track of you … someone’s got to!!! Right?
I think I am a 35 year old trapped in a 22 year old’s body. As for the ear hair: they have trimmers for that! I see a lot of old people at my job and that is the ONE thing that grosses me out!!
RYC: Thanks for your concern. I’m okay, just incredibly sore. The car on the other hand…
You have raised that boy well. But, don’t tell your wife about the redhead.
Great photo!
By the way, I think the time for you to write a book is overdue. It would be one well worth reading;
There is a saying from George Eliot that I like to use for my own life…I find it fitting here too…. “It’s never too late to be what you might have been”
Thanks for making us laugh
Yo Bob !! Iguanas ?
I used to think that losing a job would be a huge disaster, but it has happened to me twice and I have found that it is really a very survivable event, often filled with new opportunity.
ryc: Motionless for weeks at a time ? I dated that. I was hoping for something different in a pet.
47 is the life expectancy of a male born in 1900. You still could have more years ahead of you than behind you. The advantage is you get to live the upcoming ones with the wisdom you’ve gained along the way. Time to live la vida loco!
Hey, at least you look young! I know some 47-year-olds who look like they’re 60.
thanx! i’ll be sure and tell them u said hi. how’s it goin in tulsa??
As long as I dont look down I do fine – but once I look down and see that I am in a body that is 48 yrs old – then I’ve had it………Be yourself and dont look down! What are you going to be chuckling about in your rocking chair if you dont go out and make some memories???
I say go for writing the book! But be sure to use spell check, because I don’t know that any of us want a grassy, watery oasis in the middle of our creme brulee (dessert). Sorry, I had to say it because I was getting a fun mental image! And my only stipulation is that when (not if!) you start writing music again, you must find a way to record it and link it to your xanga so you can share clips with your adoring public
And enjoy it, Mr. Jordan’s Dad!
Congratulations! You have been nominated for the ‘Mr Xanga Award 2005’. The list of nominees can be found on http://www.xanga.com/whynose. Please come on over to see the competition rules and get your friends to make the important vote. Voting begins Friday 2nd September. All the best!