August 17, 2005

• I’M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE…

  
  

   

  
  

  I’ve been watching with interest the manner in which the media has attempted to dig up any dirt possible on Cindy Sheenan, the mother of a soldier killed in Iraq. Cindy has has taken up vigil outside the President’s compound in Crawford, TX. in hopes of expressing her views on the war in person to President Bush. The media has been attempting to vilify Ms. Sheenan by linking her to various left-wing organizations. Any person who knowingly places themselves in the public eye these days has to face a level of scrutiny that is not unlike a colonoscopy. Political candidates are certainly the biggest targets. With literally hundreds of media outlets vying for some exclusive fact or tidbit, any candidate campaigning for virtually any public office can be certain that no closeted skeleton will go uncovered.

  
  

   

  
  

  It is with this fact firmly in mind that I wish to announce my candidacy for President in 2008. Knowing that virtually no rock will be left unturned as CNN, FOX, and Rush Limbaugh go looking for dirt on me; I have chosen to take the high road and simply list all of the sordid details of my past. I’m going to lay every one of my grievous sins on the altar of public debate so that I can rise above negative partisan politics and be ready to discuss real issues without a dark cloud of rumor and innuendo hanging over my candidacy. Let the confession begin…

  
  

   

  
  

  
  
  • Even though I denied it at the time, it was me who stole a kiss from Beth Kingsolver on the merry-go-round during recess in third grade. Just like Arnold Schwarzenegger, I regret this incident of sexual harassment, and proclaim that since that time I have truly changed.
    
  • It is also true that in eighth grade I punched Greg Jones in the nose after football practice for calling me a pussy because I threw up during two-a-days. I pledge to introduce legislation concerning calling people “pussies” and I plan to write an after school special about the trauma of being a Jr. High School wuss.
    
  • I wore a leisure suit to my Jr. Prom. I have no defense for this heinous act of bad taste.
    
  • Any story that is told by Becky Lynn Wilson about what happened after the Jr. Prom is an unsubstantiated lie.
    
  • I once snuck seven people into a drive in theater in the trunk of my 1967 Ford Ltd. I will be glad to make reparations to the theater owner if he is still alive.
    
  • The deduction I listed under “business expenses” on my 1994 tax return did include money I spent on three-day bender in Tijuana. I realize now that tequila is not, technically, business related.
    
  • I have never, knowingly, padded my expense reports to my current employer. However, Leprechauns have been known to sneak into my office late at night and submit erroneous paperwork to my corporate office.
    
  • I have no memory of any alleged incident involving three midgets and a sheep named Molly.

  
  

  There…now that I have exonerated myself in the court of public opinion, I’m sure my policies and platform will be the focus of examination during my campaign rather than rumors about my past and my personal character.

  
  

   

  
  

  I was actually thinking earlier that it might be refreshing if the public curbed it voracious appetite for character assassination and instead focused on actual issues, but then I realized…what fun would that be?

  
  

  • 12:26 am
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