July 21, 2005
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ASS ACNE, YES – YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY, ASS ACNE.
Like my friend Transvestite Rabbit, I’ve started to write about Carl “hot-lips” Rove or the nomination of John “could I possibly be any whiter?” Roberts several times, but I’m just so worn out by it all that I’ve nothing to say. Instead, I’ve decided to write about something that has bothered me for awhile now; something so insidious and shocking that I’ve not been able to put my disgust into words until now…ass acne and thong wearers.
I just came back from the post office. In front of me in line was a woman wearing low cut jeans, a mid-rift top, and a thong so neon-pink that it could easily be seen by the space shuttle. Normally I wouldn’t complain about this kind of ensemble, but this woman had an advanced case of ass acne and stomach rolls so deep she could hide her car keys in them.
The obvious question that popped in my head was “did this woman look in the mirror before she left the house?” The truth is that she probably did, and while gazing at her reflection, she began to sing out loud “I’m too sexy for my thong, too sexy for my thong, so sexy it’s wrong.”
I’m completely confused by why “plumbers crack” has become fashionable among women, and why so many women attempt to pull this look off, who really, really, shouldn’t.
Men used to be the only gender stupid enough to wear things out in the light of day that were better left concealed in darkness. I’ve said before that men have the ability to climb out of bed in the morning, arrange the eight hairs remaining on their shinny scalp, scratch the enormous beer belly hanging precipitously over their skid-marked tighty-whities, and think “Damn…I’m fine” with absolutely no sense of irony. Now, this terrifying condition seems to be crossing gender lines.
I’ll be the first to admit that my fashion sense leaves a great deal to be desired. I’m currently in the stage where I’ve started to buy shirts with square tails so that I can leave my shirt un-tucked. I mistakenly think this hides my ever-growing waist line, when, in fact, it just makes me look like I bought my shirts from Omar the tent maker. So…I realize I should be the last person in the world giving fashion advice; but since lack of knowledge about a subject has never stopped me from commenting on a subject before, here goes:
For men
1. I don’t care how colorful your boxer shorts are, I don’t want to see 8” of them above the waist line of your pants. Men typically don’t have much in the way of an ass to hold up their pants anyway. Walking behind someone showcasing this fashion trend makes me incredibly nervous that their pants are going to wind up around their ankles at any moment.
2. A “wife beater” t-shirt is an undershirt. The back hair creeping out over the neck hole and the gravy stains are nice touch, but wearing it as your only shirt is still a fashion faux-pas.
For women
1. I realize that there is incredible pressure to look like the women on TV, in the movies, and on magazine covers. I understand that Madison Avenue is telling you that you don’t measure up unless you look like a super model. The reason they put pictures of super models on calendars is that there are only 12 women in the world that actually look like that, and they don’t really look like that. Please, try and ignore the pressure.
For either sex
1. Regarding the wearing of Leather pants: Leather looks really good on animals. Let’s let them wear leather from the waist down. Less than 1% of the world’s population has the body needed to be able to get away with leather pants. Take a look at the odds; you’re not likely to be in that group.
I feel better now that I’ve set the world of haute couture straight. Today is my wife’s birthday and we’ve got a date tonight, so I’d better run home, put on my lime-green leisure suit, splash on some Hi-Karate, and brush out my mullet. Who says I don’t know fashion.
Comments (19)
Hi Mark,
I just found your blog and I’m glad. You write well the trappings of every day life. And what you say is so true. So many young women today look awful. Pardon my bluntness, but it’s the truth. When you get my age, you notice the young ones and marvel at how badly they let their bodies go.
Geez, for myself I am 62 years old and know my place when it comes to dressing proper for my age. Although I am not your normal 62 year old woman; I don’t look it, nor act it, but I still exhibit decorum and know when to or not to wear my torn, well-worn Guess jeans. lolol…(I’m not kidding) But you can bet, I still cut a mean figure for an old broad. Stop by my blog sometime; my stories you may find very interesting.
You are a delight to know and I shall return.
paulygrl
Re: leather pants. My daughter owned a pair of faux leather pants (aka vinyl) a few years back, and wore them when we went out one night. I don’t remember where it was that we went, exactly, but I do remember that she stuck to every surface that she sat upon, and someone had to help pull her up every time. Might be a great practical joke item.
Happy birthday to the Mrs, and I hope the date was fun, leisure suit and all.
I’m just embarassed that someone took a picture of me sitting on that bench. heh
OH my gosh. You have hit the note perfectly!! I LOVED this post!! Everything you said was SO true. One time I passed this young boy on his bike, he was trying to appear cool, he had on his baggy pants, trying to ride this bike and his white boxers were hanging out of his pants and when he stood up to peddle….there were his STAINED, not-so-white boxers staring at the world!!! YUCK!! Hope all is well with your family. Happy Birthday to Mrs.Mark!!! Take care!
Damn, you’re good. That’s all.
You know what’s funny – I just wrote on this exact subject in a column I do for a newspaper. I wrote it last night. Freaky huh?
Just came across your site. You are so right about the fashions today. Happy Birthday to the wife.
Wow, there really is stuff worth reading on Xanga (beyond those *dArN_S_/R/EYZ~* I mean). I came across your site on the Newly Updated section and ended up reading all your posts back into February. Incredible.
Random props for being right.
One time when I was in Walmart, I actually saw a guy’s pants fall down because he was sagging them too low!
He seemed pretty embarrassed, and I tried not to notice, but still, it was too funny. There’s only so far you can sag the pants before that belt won’t do you any good anymore…
Everything you say seems so true.
Reminds me of the time a worker at Papa Johns decided that pants were too good for him.
The dude walks up to the front counter, pants saggy. Shifts a bit, and -drop- Down go his pants. You think you’ve seen it all, till you see underwear that looks a month old. And yellow was not his color, to be sure. I have never heard someone scream as loud as my 13 year old sister. We should start an ad campaign. Belt, or duct tape. Only you, can stop public indecency.Led by Bob, the ever fashion sensible penguin.
Yeah, that made no sense. But I feel as if I have released a lot of insanity by saying it.
I just stumbled across your blog. Thank God someone has finally said it. That picture is repulsive, and if you’re going to wear a thong and low rise pants, at least include a belt. Isn’t it suspicious when all of the sudden there’s a draft in a place you thought was concealed!
Hey – I emailed you a whole bunch of them. Let me know what you think. It’s not exactly ground breaking journalism, just light-hearted frivolous stuff.
hilarious.
People in my family have mullets but they’re pretty proud of them lmbo.
Oh Mark, how much I admire your frankness, and the genius that comes out of your posts!! You’re hysterical. Happy birthday to Mrs. Labouff.
xoxoxo
A few more good fashion rules:
Girls who weigh more than 85 pounds should never, NEVER wear shirts that do not connect with their pants or skirts! Likewise, they should never wear skin tight knit shirts. Fat roles are really not that attractive.
Men who do not have great bodies should not wear speedos. Well, really, nobody’s body is good enough for a speedo.
Hmph. Guess I’d better go change my clothes.
I used to work a second job at a women’s clothing store. Half the store was regular sizes, the other half were plus sizes. I am far from a Barbie doll, but come on! Who needs a size 28 leather mini skirt? And I think it’s just wrong to make thongs that size…..
Sage advice for both sexes, to be sure!