CIRCLE OF LIFE

 

Don’t worry; I’m not going to launch into my Elton John impersonation (although it kills at parties).  I am, however, going to talk about the milestones we all pass in life and the one that I just tripped over like a roller skate on a staircase.

 

I just got back from our bi-annual national sales meeting (think of it as a root canal without Novocain, only less pleasant) which happened to be held this year in Austin, TX where my son and new bride just moved. Rather than stay in the hotel where the meetings were being held, I camped out on their couch.

My son, Jordan, has always had an older soul (he acted 35 when he was 8), but I’ve still always been able to see the little boy in him (which I’ll admit was an image I enjoyed holding on too.) When he started to grade school and didn’t need to be walked to class, that was ok because he would still come home, sit on one of my feet while he wrapped himself around a leg, and let me drag him around the house. When he got his first job and started experiencing the initial rewards and responsibilities of a bit of financial independence, that was ok because I knew it wouldn’t be long until he hit me up for a twenty for gas money. When he went away to college and got his first apartment, that was ok because his college apartment looked pretty much like his room did when he was in high school; no visible floor space and decorated in “early Neanderthal.”  As the years went by the image of the boy began to fade, but it was always there if I looked hard enough.

This week in Austin, I came up the stairs to Jordan and LaRae’s apartment. I walked into an immaculate space that was tastefully decorated. I watched him adjust the thermostat and heard him comment to LaRae that the electric bill was less than they had budgeted for. He brought me fresh, clean sheets and a blanket to spread out on the couch. He talked about the academic politics he was dealing with and how they could affect the way his grant is funded. He fixed me dinner.

He didn’t know it, but as he prepared my meal I stared at him long and hard. I thought that maybe if I squinted and looked hard enough I would still be able to see the little boy. I know the little boy is still in there, but his image has faded away and all that stood before me was the man. And that’s ok because I like that man, I admire that man, I respect that man.

I’m dealing with my own set of milestones anyway. I find that I’m much more interested in the performance of my 401K these days. I’m growing hair in very odd places. I’m no longer nearly as obsessed with breasts as I was as a young man and I have gained enough weight that I’m sporting a pretty decent pair of my own.  My wife has also started playfully teasing me about taking care of my health. She will come over and set next to me on the couch, take one of my hands in hers, lean over and kiss me gently on the cheek and whisper; “listen mister, start taking your blood pressure medication because I’ll be damned if I’m going to change your diaper after you’ve had a massive stroke. Either start taking your medicine reqularly or I’m going to kill you myself and retire in St. Thomas with the insurance money.” Then she’ll pat me on the knee, smile sweetly, and go on her way. What a kidder.

Life moves ahead, and that’s ok. But, Jordan, the next time I come for a visit, would you at least throw some clothes on the floor? It would make your old man feel a little better.

JUST DO IT

 

I’ve noticed on several blogs that I keep up with, the author has responded to the question; name 10 fictional characters that you would “do it” with.  I thought that sounded like great fun so I’ve put together a list. First, however, l would like to comment on the euphemism “do it.”

 

I think the reason euphemisms for sex like “do it” are so prevalent is because the English language seems woefully inadequate when it comes to describing the one thing that causes the greatest amount of angst for the majority of the human race. Some examples:

 

Do it – Too commercial; makes sex sound like a Nike add

Intercourse – Too sterile; sounds like one of those ridiculous business terms like “synergy.”  Hey baby, want to go to the copy room and have some synergy?

Making Love – Too contrived; you might as well ask someone if they want to go make a sandwich.  Besides, it reminds me of one of the most hideous songs ever recorded; “Making love out of nothing at all” by Air Supply.

Making Whoopee – Too silly; sounds like the name for a company that produces bad novelty items.

 

By the way, if you want to hear the funniest collection of euphemisms for sex ever committed to celluloid, check out Burgess Meredith in the outtakes at the end of “Grumpier Old Men.”  One quick example: “There may be lots of fish in the sea, but you’re the only one I want to mount above my fireplace.”

 

Some of the respondees to the fictional character question have limited their responses to literary characters only.  I thought long and hard about this (“long and hard” was not intentional innuendo) and I’ll have to admit that I couldn’t come up with 10. Elizabeth Bennet perhaps? Marianne or Elinor Dashwood? If we are going for the sex factor, how about Hester Prynne?  All of these are interesting characters but they didn’t seem to rate high on a “do it” list.

 

(I would be very interested in getting some suggestions in the literary only category)

 

Other respondees have listed movie or TV characters, which is where I’m going to draw my list from. My selections here are based not just on the actress but on the role they played in a particular movie or television series. So…here is my list of the top ten fish I’d like to mount above my fireplace:

 

10.  Faith as played by Eliza Dushku in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” My son and I both have a crush on Eliza. We also have a long running joke; after the untold thousands of dollars I have spent on his education I’ve told him that when the time comes, I want the best nursing home money can buy AND I expect Eliza to be my nurse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9.  Honey Ryder as played by Ursula Andress in “Dr. No” Halle Berry not withstanding, Ursula is still the ultimate bond girl.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8.  Maria Hardy as played by Isabella Rossellini in “Cousins” Sweet, but with a “come hither” look that would melt your socks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7.  Helen Cruger as played by Ellen Barkin in “Sea of Love” Satisfies the “bad girl” requirement.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6.  Susie Diamond as played by Michelle Pfeiffer in “The Fabulous Baker Boys. Who cares whether or not she can sing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.  Catherine Olds Banning as played by Rene Russo in the remake of “The Thomas Crown Affair”  See entry #1 for why this character makes the list.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.  Matty Walker as played by Kathleen Turner in “Body Heat” The last time I watched this movie, my television caught on fire.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.  Connie Sumner as played by Diane Lane in “Unfaithful” Do I even have to explain this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.  Sydney Ellen Wade as played by Annette Bening in “The American President” There is nothing sexier than smart and confident with just a hint of vulnerability.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1.  Dana Scully as played by Gillian Anderson in “The X-Files” Ok…maybe this makes me a little geeky, but I’ve got a thing for smart redheads (which is why I married my wife).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So there are my picks. I wish to express my sincere apologies to my son who had to endure his father writing about sex.

ASS ACNE, YES – YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY, ASS ACNE.

 

Like my friend Transvestite Rabbit, I’ve started to write about Carl “hot-lips” Rove or the nomination of John “could I possibly be any whiter?” Roberts several times, but I’m just so worn out by it all that I’ve nothing to say. Instead, I’ve decided to write about something that has bothered me for awhile now; something so insidious and shocking that I’ve not been able to put my disgust into words until now…ass acne and thong wearers.

 

I just came back from the post office. In front of me in line was a woman wearing low cut jeans, a mid-rift top, and a thong so neon-pink that it could easily be seen by the space shuttle. Normally I wouldn’t complain about this kind of ensemble, but this woman had an advanced case of ass acne and stomach rolls so deep she could hide her car keys in them.

 

The obvious question that popped in my head was “did this woman look in the mirror before she left the house?” The truth is that she probably did, and while gazing at her reflection, she began to sing out loud “I’m too sexy for my thong, too sexy for my thong, so sexy it’s wrong.”

 

I’m completely confused by why “plumbers crack” has become fashionable among women, and why so many women attempt to pull this look off, who really, really, shouldn’t.

 

Men used to be the only gender stupid enough to wear things out in the light of day that were better left concealed in darkness. I’ve said before that men have the ability to climb out of bed in the morning, arrange the eight hairs remaining on their shinny scalp, scratch the enormous beer belly hanging precipitously over their skid-marked tighty-whities, and think “Damn…I’m fine” with absolutely no sense of irony. Now, this terrifying condition seems to be crossing gender lines.

 

I’ll be the first to admit that my fashion sense leaves a great deal to be desired. I’m currently in the stage where I’ve started to buy shirts with square tails so that I can leave my shirt un-tucked. I mistakenly think this hides my ever-growing waist line, when, in fact, it just makes me look like I bought my shirts from Omar the tent maker. So…I realize I should be the last person in the world giving fashion advice; but since lack of knowledge about a subject has never stopped me from commenting on a subject before, here goes:

 

For men

 

1.         I don’t care how colorful your boxer shorts are, I don’t want to see 8” of them above the waist line of your pants. Men typically don’t have much in the way of an ass to hold up their pants anyway. Walking behind someone showcasing this fashion trend makes me incredibly nervous that their pants are going to wind up around their ankles at any moment.

 

2.         A “wife beater” t-shirt is an undershirt. The back hair creeping out over the neck hole and the gravy stains are nice touch, but wearing it as your only shirt is still a fashion faux-pas.

 

For women

 

1.         I realize that there is incredible pressure to look like the women on TV, in the movies, and on magazine covers. I understand that Madison Avenue is telling you that you don’t measure up unless you look like a super model. The reason they put pictures of super models on calendars is that there are only 12 women in the world that actually look like that, and they don’t really look like that. Please, try and ignore the pressure. 

 

For either sex

 

1.         Regarding the wearing of Leather pants: Leather looks really good on animals. Let’s let them wear leather from the waist down. Less than 1% of the world’s population has the body needed to be able to get away with leather pants. Take a look at the odds; you’re not likely to be in that group.

 

I feel better now that I’ve set the world of haute couture straight. Today is my wife’s birthday and we’ve got a date tonight, so I’d better run home, put on my lime-green leisure suit, splash on some Hi-Karate, and brush out my mullet. Who says I don’t know fashion.

 

AH…THE GOOD OLE’ DAYS

 

Sing it with me; “Braum’s homemade ice cream, just like the good ole’ days.”

 

In the unlikely event that you are unfamiliar with this jingle, or if you don’t have Braum’s Ice Cream Stores in your area, allow me to tell you how I feel about this particular advertisement.

 

If I hear it when I’m driving, it makes me want to pull over to the side of road, forcibly rip the radio out of the dash with my bare hands, find Drew Braum (the CEO of Braum’s Ice Cream Stores), and shove that radio so far up his rectal cavity that the damn jingle comes out of his mouth every time he flashes that dopey grin of his.

 

You might be concerned that the reaction I just described is a little extreme, or that perhaps I’m off my medication, but the reason this jingle bothers me so much is that it taps into a trend that is one of my greatest pet-peeves. That trend is for advertisers and politicians to fondly remember the “good old days” in order to further their particular agendas.

 

Republicans are notorious for this. They want us to fondly remember an America from decades ago when everyone shared family values, all women were June Cleaver, and everyone attended the Protestant church of their choice. There is a slight problem with this; that America never existed.

 

I was born in 1958. Allow me to outline some of what the decades since then have held both nationally and personally.

 

1950’s

Nationally – Korea, McCarthyism, Central High School in Little Rock, AR.

Personally – Diaper Rash

 

1960’s

Nationally – Kennedy Assassination, Bay of Pigs, Cold War, Vietnam

Personally – Getting my ass kicked on the play ground.

 

1970’s

Nationally – Returning Vets, Oil Crisis, Watergate, Disco,

Personally – Acne.

 

1980’s

Nationally – Iran/Contra Affair, Aids, Challenger disaster.

Personally – Major career disillusionment, weight gain.

 

1990’s

Nationally – Gulf War, Kosovo, World Trade Center bombing. Y2K

Personally – Divorce, Unemployment, Hemorrhoids.

 

Early 2000’s

Nationally – 911

Personally –  Ear hair.

 

My point is not that every decade since I was born has been horrific. For every bad thing that has happened, both collectively and personally, a hundred wonderful things have happened. My point is that there is no point in history that we can point too that is utopian, and to do so for business or political gain plays on emotions in a way that is dishonest and manipulative.

 

For me…in this decade, I’m happily married, I have a great career, I make a comfortable living, I have a wonderful family, I have a newly married son and step daughter who (in my opinion) are two of the greatest people who ever lived, and everyone is healthy, happy, and flourishing.

 

I’m living the good old days right now. I don’t need anyone to point to me to another time in order to sell me ice cream or get me to vote for them.

TO BOOK OR NOT TO BOOK, THAT IS THE QUESTION

 

I read a wire story today about Vail High School in Tucson, Arizona. The school has chosen to stop using textbooks and will instead issue laptop computers to students so that they can use electronic and online articles as part of more traditional teacher lesson plans.

 

I can certainly see why pursuing “paper-less” education would be an option worth considering. Textbooks become quickly outdated. Manufacturing textbooks consumes natural resources. Erasing all the crudely drawn depictions of male and female genitalia that have shown up on the pages over the years becomes tedious.

 

Although the advantages are numerous, I do see some potential pitfalls.

 

To begin with, any high school male that is honest will tell you that a laptop with an internet connection is good for only two things; video games and porn. Do we really want to encourage the already alarming trend among adolescent males of driving on the highway like they do when they are playing “Road Rage 5”, or of holding up Pamela Anderson-esque type women as the standard for the female form?

 

Secondly, the internet is not always the best place to get reliable reference material. For example: let’s say the assignment is to write a report on former Attorney General John Ashcroft. As an experiment, I googled Mr. Ashcroft, and on the very first page of matches I got the following two links which begin with very interesting quotes:

 

http://www.rotten.com/library/bio/usa/john-ashcroft/  This article begins: “Much like the Nazis in Casablanca, John Ashcroft enjoys a good song – as long as people remember their place.

 

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/06/12/opinion/meyer/main512021.shtml This article begins: “Who needs terrorists when we have John Ashcroft to scare us out of our pants.”

 

Are these two articles actually reliable reference material? Do they accurately portray what kind of man John Ashcroft is?  Ok…this was a bad example because those two articles are ENTIRELY ACCURATE when it comes to Mr. Ashcroft, but I still bet there is a lot of inaccurate information floating around on the web.

 

Finally, I hate the idea of giving up books. Books are a tactile experience much more potent than staring at an LCD screen. I buy hardbacks whenever I can because I love the feel of books, the smell of books, the entire experience of reading a good book and then placing it on your bookshelf to come back and enjoy again in the future.

 

You can’t pull a dog-eared laptop out of your back pocket and curl up with it on a secluded beach. Ok…I suppose you can if that beach has WI-FI access, but it’s still not the same.

 

A world without books would be a sad place, but at least we would have bighooters.com.

MAMA ALWAYS SAID, STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES

 

Many of you know that my job requires a great deal of travel. I feel fortunate to be able to say that I’ve visited 47 of our 50 states and 8 foreign countries. This by no means makes me a world traveler, but I do feel qualified to make the following statement: there are really stupid people everywhere.

 

Allow me to justify this callous remark.

 

I am currently in a small town in central Arkansas. Just moments ago I went out looking for somewhere to purchase Actifed. I pulled up to a convenience store, rolled down my window, and spoke to a young man who was just getting ready to enter the store. “Excuse me,” I said, “is there a pharmacy nearby?”  He replied; “the farm and ranch coop is about a mile down on the left, but they close early on Saturdays.”  Thinking that he simply did not hear me correctly, I said “I’m sorry, but I think you misunderstood me, I’m looking for somewhere to buy drugs.”  He got a frightened look on his face, and without answering me, hurried into the store.

 

Ok…I’ll admit that perhaps I didn’t phrase that in the best way.

 

Another example. A couple of days ago I was in Rapid City, South Dakota; an area that relishes its wild-west roots. As I was getting ready to board my flight, I looked at my ticket and noticed that I had a window seat. Since I prefer an aisle seat I went up to the young lady standing behind the counter at my gate and ask what was available in coach. She replied that there were several places in Rapid City to book a stage coach ride or go horse-back riding, but that I would have to visit those places in person, as they were not able to book them at the airport.

 

I’m not making this up.

 

You’re thinking that I probably only run into this in rural America. Oh no, my friend. I’ve encountered this kind of rampant stupidity in none other than the Mecca of urban sophistication; New York City.

 

On a recent business trip to Manhattan, I needed to check out of my hotel about five hours before I had to be at the airport to catch my flight. I stopped a hotel worker in the hallway and ask them if there was somewhere in the hotel I could go to check my luggage. The response: “check it for what?”

 

You may think that your hometown is different, but I bet if you look long enough and hard enough, there’s a really stupid person appearing somewhere near you.

 

Now if only I were smart enough to figure out how to get the child proof cap off of this bottle of decongestant that I was able to buy.

THE ORIGINAL “ROLLING STONES”

 

I’m currently in Rapid City, South Dakota on business. I had some time to kill this afternoon, so I did what you do when you’ve got some time to kill in Rapid City, South Dakota; I visited Mt. Rushmore.

 

I hadn’t been since I was a kid, and I thoroughly enjoyed seeing it again. I had forgotten why the specific presidents were chosen. According to the National Parks Service pamphlet that I was given when I gave them $8.00 to park; Washington was chosen to represent the birth of our nation, Jefferson was chosen to represent the expansion of our nation, Lincoln was chosen to represent the preservation of our nation, and Roosevelt was chosen to represent the development of our nation.

 

I was also reminded that one of Jay Leno’s favorite questions when he is interviewing the dimwitted for his “Jay-Walking” segment on the Tonight Show is “how did the faces of the presidents come to exist on the side of Mt. Rushmore?”  The most common answer: “erosion.”

 

As I stood there and looked up at the faces of the presidents I was struck by the thought that what really seems to be “eroding” is our understanding of our national heritage.

 

We are nation of immigrants that can no longer tolerate immigration. We are a nation of people who fled Europe to escape religious persecution that is trying harder and harder to blur the lines of the separation of church and state. We are a nation that professed that everyone has the right to pursue life, liberty and happiness, that is becoming more and more determined to curtail civil liberties. 

 

George, Thomas, Abe, Teddy…I’m sorry.

ALBUM LINER

 

Several of you who know Jordan and LaRae have requested additional wedding photos. The wedding photos are back, but legally we aren’t supposed to scan them. So…I’ll let Jordan and LaRae do the law-bending (what can I say, that’s the kind of thoughtful parent I am) and post the pics they want on their sites and I’ll post a link. However, the photographer did put one of their engagement pics on his website. So I’m going to post that and a link to his website. He does do very, very, cool work.  I think this photo looks like it came out of the liner notes on a folk album from 1969. Enjoy…

 

Don Harris Photography

 

ZOO – be-do-be-do

 

The Tulsa Parks and Recreation Board is now planning to revisit their June 7^th motion which approved a display at the Tulsa Zoo depicting a biblical account of creationism.

 

In defense of the vote that favored the exhibit, Mayor LaFortune stated that a zoo sculpture depicting the Hindu god Ganesha “opened the door” to equal representation of art depicting the Christian perspective.

 

If the door has been opened, let’s open it even wider.

 

In order to avoid offending anyone who has an opinion about how the earth was created, the new Christian display should probably be flanked by several others.

 

Perhaps there could be a display in which an animatronic bust of Tom Cruise speaks about how we are all actually descendants of an alien race. The bust would go on to declare that viewers were now entering an “antidepressant free zone.”

 

The Kansas School Board could erect a display with a sculpture of a crucified baboon, indicating that they had at last killed that pesky monkey from the Scopes Trial once and for all.

 

Finally, a carving depicting the Cherokee legend of a giant island hanging from the sky by four large ropes could be incorporated into a larger display containing a small casino and a smoke shop.

 

On second thought, some people might find those displays offensive.

 

The real question is one of intent and promotion. Is the purpose of the Ganesha sculpture to actually promote Hinduism? Not likely. Is the intent of the proposed creationism display to promote Christianity? Absolutely.

 

The zoo, by design, is an educational entity. It could be argued that the biblical display would exist solely for the purpose of educating visitors about the theory of creationism. According to Dan Hicks, who proposed the exhibit, quotations from the Bible will be part of the display. Commentary regarding the Genesis account would be an effort to educate. A lengthy Biblical quotation as the accompanying text is an obvious attempt to present the material as fact.

 

In order to consider the display educational there must also be a balanced look at all theories. Opening the door to the creationism display demands that the door be opened to displays depicting many other theories. While that could be interesting, it would be a daunting task at best.

 

While Board members simply want to clarify who would design the exhibit and what the content of the exhibit would be, perhaps they will come to understand that the zoo should not be in the business of promoting religion.