YOUR MOM TOLD YOU YOU’D GO BLIND

 

MSNBC reported today that there is a possible link between the use of Viagra and blindness. I find this to be the ultimate injustice. I spent my early adolescence being told that if I did it I’d go blind, and now that I’m old and actually have a partner, I still might go blind.

 

I’m not surprised by this, however. I’ve suspected for some time that there are correlations between many things that are seemingly unrelated. For example:

 

In middle aged men there appears to be a direct correlation between smelling the perfume worn by cute 20-something women and the purchase of over priced sports cars.

 

In women there appears to be an occasional correlation between the consumption of alcohol and bearing children.

 

In some teenaged boys there appears to be a correlation between hearing rap music and purchasing pants that are 6 sizes too large.

 

For guys in bars there seems to be a correlation between the consumption of beer and the sudden certainty that they can beat up another guy twice their size.

 

For former President Clinton there seemed to be a direct correlation between passing any type of legislation and indiscriminant sexual behavior.

 

For current President Bush there seems to be a correlation between breathing and not being able to utter a coherent sentence.

 

This cosmic ying and yang surrounds us everyday, and it’s virtually impossible to escape. Right now I’m going to see if I can go to Hooters with some guys from work and avoid the completely unrelated consequence of having to sleep on the couch.

“O CANADA”

 

I wish to extend a heartfelt thank-you to John McCain (R-Arizona) and Ben Nelson (D-Nebraska) for crafting a compromise in the Senate that has put a halt to my immediate plans to open a branch office for my firm in Canada.  The “Nuclear Option” being entertained by Bill Frist (R-Tennessee) would have signaled what, I perceive, would have been one of the darkest days of American politics.

 

One of the greatest constructs of our system of government is the principle of checks and balances. Even a cursory examination of history demonstrates that when one group within a society gains too much power the results are always devastating. Apparently Bill Frist hasn’t read a history book.

 

I was having a discussion with one of my Republican friends here at the office about this issue and he made the following comment: “If a majority of Americans feel a particular way about an issue, then the rest of Americans should be forced to bend to their will.”  He said this without even a hint of irony. I was reminded of a line I heard in “Revenge of the Sith” this weekend. Padme makes the statement that “Democracy always dies to the sound of thunderous applause.” No truer words have ever been spoken, even if they are coming out of the mouth of a Star Wars character.

 

I’m afraid; very, very, afraid.

 

My friend went on to say that, as a nation, we have to be protected from left-wing extremists. I agree! We also need to be protected from right-wing extremists! That’s what “checks and balances” is all about. That is why a filibuster is an integral part of American politics that cannot be tampered with.

 

When I brought up the issue of right-wing extremists, he stated that he was not aware of an issue on which the far-right would be considered “extreme”. I beg to differ. Allow me offer two recent examples:

 

Florida – The NRA has pushed through the extension of the “Castle Doctrine” to apply to places outside the home. This gives people the right to not only carry and conceal firearms but to use deadly force anytime they feel “imminently threatened,” without fear of prosecution.  I’m all for a person’s right to defend themselves inside their home, but any reasonable person has to understand that this law will be horribly misapplied. All I can say is that Florida is off my vacation list, because I’m afraid that I might accidentally cut off an 85 year old retiree in traffic and get blown away because they felt “imminently threatened.”  The NRA has pledged to see that this law is passed in all 50 states. Since I live in Oklahoma, I figure I better get my holster strapped on and my six shooter all shinned up.

 

Texas – Texas has passed a law that will keep us safe from the single most corrupting influence on the moral integrity of today’s youth…sexy cheerleading. Did anyone hear the sound of rushing wind as the time portal was opened up back to the early sixties when the networks would only show Elvis Presley and Joe Cocker from the neck up because of their “sexy” hip moves?

 

Ridiculous legislation aside, neither the far-right or far-left needs to be making decisions for all of us. I’m taking a deep breath because, for now, the filibuster will remain a tool of the minority. I’m just praying fervently that our Supreme Court Justices all stay healthy and happy until the reign of George W. has come to a close.

JUST CALL ME “RALPH”

 

How was your trip to New York, you might ask?  Well…

 

Two great meetings with our client

A tour of Ground Zero

Dinner on Park Avenue

Lunch at a sidewalk café on the Hudson

A walk through Central Park

 

And then the trip home…..

 

As I get older I find I am more and more prone to motion sickness. After a frantic afternoon of getting information together for our client I proceeded to catch a taxi back to LaGuardia.  I’ve not traveled a great deal by Taxi in New York but it is very safe to say that lanes, traffic lights, right of ways, and speed limits are all very “fluid” concepts.  The taxi that picked me up apparently had no suspension, and the driver relished alternating between stomping on the gas and then on the brake while wildly switching lanes. I got in the taxi across from Madison Square Gardens and by the time we made Central Park I was turning a lovely shade of green. Halfway through Central Park I leaned out the window and (how can I say this delicately) left a Technicolor present on the side of the road. The taxi driver got a panicked look on his face and handed me an empty coffee cup which I proceeded to empty my stomach into for the remainder of the 45 minute ride. The harder I wretched the wilder he drove; because it was very clear he wanted to get to LaGuardia and get me the hell out of his taxi.

 

The very “relieved” looking driver dumped my luggage out of the trunk and actually squealed his tires as he pulled away. (I don’t know what his problem was because I think I actually gave him a hundred bucks just because I was too nauseous to count correctly). Looking lovely with chin drool and flop sweat, I made my way into the terminal to discover that my flight had been cancelled due to weather. But not to worry, they would be glad to route me through Zimbabwe to get me home, if I didn’t mind it taking a little longer. I was praying for a smooth flight, but the aviation gods laughed at the shear folly of my ridiculous request and put us directly in the middle of a thunder storm. Let’s just say the person sitting next to me on the flight was as glad to get off that plane as the taxi driver was to get me out of his cab. 

 

Many, many, hours later we finally approached Tulsa. Unfortunately, the aviation gods had one more trick up their sleeves.  The landing gear deployment light malfunctioned and they could not verify that the landing gear was actually down. So we circled Tulsa for and hour and a half as they fixed the problem….in tight little circles, over, and over, and over, and over again.

 

The good news is that I finally did make it home and I lost 30 pounds in bodily fluids! I’ve been banned from ever getting on a Delta flight again, but that’s what they get for not checking their damn landing gear deployment light.

 

I have to go back in two weeks. I know there are at least a million taxi drivers in New York but I’d do anything to be able to get in his cab again. You see, I have a present for him….I saved his coffee cup.

 

IN A NEW YORK MINUTE

 

In a few hours I’ll be hopping on a flight to New York for a meeting tomorrow in the financial district where everyone’s shoes will have cost twice as much as my suit.

 

I don’t go to New York on business often but it always seems to be an adventure when I do.  The last time I was there was for the national Audio Engineering Society Conference (can you think of bigger gathering of geeks? I can’t).

 

There were two of us attending from our firm and we met up with another friend of ours who worked for a manufacturer who was there exhibiting their wares.  His boss gave him a wad of cash and told him to take us out on the town one evening after the conference.

 

We had a nice dinner, made our rounds to two or three of the manufacturers “after parties”, and wound up in a bar on Times Square.  The place was nearly empty and we sat down on three adjacent stools right at the bar. The bar tender sauntered over to where we were sitting and ask where we were from. “We’re from Oklahoma” we responded in chorus with accents thick enough to make Barney Fife sound like John Houseman.  He replied “Well, isn’t that a coincidence, because we’re running a special tonight for everyone from Oklahoma.”  You may find this difficult to believe, but we were actually naïve enough to think he was on the level. He continued; “Everyone from Oklahoma gets free shots of Jagermeister tonight.” He then proceeded to set us up. Not believing our good fortune, we began to partake.

 

I’m assuming that everyone reading this will have had Jagermeister, but just in case you haven’t; think of it as licorice on steroids. We had already had a couple of drinks at dinner and a few beers at the after parties. Jagermeister on top of that is not a good idea.

 

After a shot or two (or three or four…I’m a little foggy on the details), a very attractive young woman walked in and sat down next to us. The bar tender fixed her a drink without saying a word to her. After a couple of minutes of awkward silence she turned to us, and the first words out her mouth were; “so…you guys wanna go f*#k?” If there ever was a Polaroid moment, it would have been capturing the look on our faces. My buddy who had taken us out replied that he couldn’t do that because he was married. She stared at him with a look that clearly said “what potato truck did you fall off of?”, and replied, “trust me honey, I’m not gonna tell her.”  We politely declined, but my friend did get up the courage to ask her how much she charged. She said she would do all three of us for a $100.00 apiece. Trying to be glib, I asked if she accepted coupons. Apparently, that was not an appropriate comment in this type of situation. Seeing that she was not going to find any customers among these rubes from the back woods of Oklahoma, she downed her drink and walked out of the bar. Suddenly, the free drinks dried up. We left the bar happy though, content in the knowledge that our trip was complete because us boys from Oklahoma had done gone and met us a real live woman of ill-repute.

 

My flight gets into LaGuardia at 1:00 a.m. and I’ll be taking a taxi to a hotel directly across from Grand Central Station. If I live through that, I’ll post again from New York and let you know how things are in the Big Apple.

After this I promise I’ll stop

 

 

Allow me to introduce Jordan Paul LaBouff – New Graduate of Baylor University

 

• Robert Byrd Memorial Scholarship Winner
  
• Presidents Scholarship Winner
  
• Phi Beta Kappa
  
• Summa Cum Laude
  
• Highest Ranking Student in the College of Arts and Sciences
  
• Psychology Major, Minors in Russian and History
  
• Outstanding Graduating Senior in the University
  
• And all around good egg

 

I swear, that’s all.

POMP AND GREAT CIRCUMSTANCES

 

(Nausea Alert:  I’ve posted nausea alters before when blatant, unabridged, unapologetic, bragging on the son was to follow. So don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

 

My son Jordan is graduating from Baylor University tomorrow morning. Before I begin to espouse his accomplishments, I must first post a recent picture of him that I’m crazy about.

 

  

This picture recently appeared in the Tulsa World under the caption “Wookie Smokes Pipe.”

 

All kidding aside, he is graduating with the following academic record:

 

	ATTEMPTED	EARNED	GPA HOURS	QUALITY POINTS	GPA
CURRENT TERM:	12.000	12.000	12.000	48.00	4.00
CUMULATIVE:	122.000	122.000	122.000	512.00	4.00
TRANSFER:	18.000	18.000	0.000	0.00	0.00
OVERALL:	140.000	140.000	122.000	512.00	4.00

 

Not only does he have a 4-point, but he was selected as the Baylor Interdisciplinary Core outstanding graduating senior and was named Mr. BIC. He will be graduating with enough cords draped around his shoulders to go bungee jumping. He had originally thought about doing graduate school in New York, but Baylor really wanted to keep him around, so they provided him funding to do his graduate work there. He will be beginning his PhD in Neuroscience latter this summer. His beautiful fiancé also completed this semester with a 4-point and their wedding is only a few weeks away.

 

I could go on and on about his academic accomplishments and I am insanely proud of those. But there are other reasons I’m proud of him as well. Those include:

 

• He is a loyal friend.
  
• His love for his family, his fiancé, and other important people in his life is always unconditional, and ever present.
  
• While he understands that we live in a morally ambiguous world, his personal sense of right and wrong, justice, and ethics, is unwavering.
  
• He has a work ethic that would put Benjamin Franklin to shame.
  
• He never settles for easy answers.
  
• He surpasses even me when it comes to being a smart ass.
  
• He is self-assured without being arrogant.
  
• He is the ultimate politician.
  
• He has the respect of his teachers and colleagues.
  
• He thinks wwwwaaaaaayyyyyyyy outside the box.
  
• He loves his dad.

 The main thing I would say about my son is that even if I were not a blood relative of his at all; along with my wife, I would still choose him to be my best friend.

 

Congratulations son.

“When I was young, I never needed anyone, and making love was just for fun, those days are gone…”

 

My son stopped by yesterday for a couple of hours before picking up his finance and heading back to Waco. He graduates from College next weekend and will be getting married on June 11^th (I’m officiating, and I have many embarrassing stories all primed and ready.)  He got a fellowship at Baylor, so he will be starting his Ph.D in Neuroscience in the fall, and he and his wife will be living in Austin rather than New York as they first thought. (More blatant bragging on the son in a latter post….)

 

All of this has me feeling pretty old. I’ll have to say, however, that I’m beginning to realize that there are some advantages to getting older. Here’s a few that have occurred to me lately:

 

• When I was young, I used to wonder why older people sometimes just spoke their minds without trying to mince their words. Now that I’m older I realize that, in many cases, I’ve earned the right not to have to explain myself.

 

• When I was young, I used to constantly seek the approval and accolades of friends and others when undertaking tasks. Now that I’m older, if I’m convinced I did a good job on something, that’s enough.

 

• When I was young, I wouldn’t be caught dead in public without dressing in the latest fashions. Now that I’m older, I find going to Wal-Mart in Bermuda shorts, black socks, and a dirty baseball cap extremely liberating.

 

• When I was young, I used to be obsessed with trying to impress the opposite sex. Now that I’m older, I’ve figured out that the best way to impress my wife is simply to be here and pay attention.

 

• When I was young, I read and learned because I had too. Now that I’m older, I read and learn because I love too.

 

• When I was young, it took a great deal to keep me entertained. Now that I’m older, my porch swing, a glass of wine, a great book, and my wife’s company are more entertainment than I could ever hope for.

 

• I can intimidate 20-something store clerks if I need too.

 

• I can sing along with the car radio at the top of my lungs without any sense of embarrassment.

 

• I finally understand that life isn’t about what I’m going to accomplish tomorrow, it’s about everything that I have to be thankful for today.

 

So here’s to getting older.

 

In just a few more years I can start enjoying those AARP discounts and driving 40 mph on the interstate.

 

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Baptist preacher walk into a bar…

 

I guess it’s all the years I spent in the ministry, and the slightly odd relationship I have with that period of my life, but I happen to get a big kick out of humor with a sacrilegious edge.  I especially like to find greeting cards in that vein. My all time favorite is one I found about 10 years ago at a place called “Oz” in Tulsa. It showed an extreemly pious looking older woman on the front of the card all decked out in her Sunday-go-to-meetin best, complete with big hair and a big hat. The caption read “Jesus Loves You.”  When you opened the card, the inside read “but the rest of us think you’re an asshole.”  I sent it anonymously to a man named Dale Blackwood. (My son doesn’t know that, but I have no doubt he will find it hysterical when he reads this).

 

I found the following three cards the other day….enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

“ANCHORS AWAY”

 

I admit it, I’m a news junkie. ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, CNN, MSNBC, BBC; I can’t seem to get enough. I’m becoming increasingly despondent, however, over the utter vapidity of most modern news anchors.  We used to have Walter Cronkite, now we have Heraldo Rivera. We are in news anchor hell and it only seems to be getting worse.

 

Have you ever watched a network news cast and thought “I could do a better job than those androids”?  Well, you could; and I’m about to tell you how to break into network news. I’ve been watching closely, and it appears there are only four basic qualifications:

 

You must have a cool name

 

I’m sorry but Wolf Blitzer and Stone Phillips are already taken so you’ll have to think of something else.

 

(Side note: It’s hard to imagine anyone actually naming their baby “Stone.” I’ve always thought that he was most likely conceived at Woodstock and his parents simply forgot to write down the last letter of his name when they were filling out the information for his birth certificate.)

 

If you’re having trouble coming up with something catchy, I’ve put together a simple tool for developing a moniker that will be sure to catch the ear of the networks execs.  The first thing to note, is that for a man, the first name must be hyper-masculine and single syllable. For women, the first name must be two syllables and cute, but not so cute that you sound like a dollar-a-lap-dance stripper.  Next, you pick a word associated with any of the following categories: wild animal, weather event, common building material, or piece of military gear. Arrange these in any combination. It’s even better if the name alliterates. Some examples:

 

Susan Tsunami

Hank Humvee

Gazelle Griffin

Rick Rivet

 

Bonus points are awarded if you can combine words from the same category:

 

Brick Mortar

Tank Howitzer

 

Once you have a name chosen you can move on to the next step which is developing the…

 

Ability to make wildly inappropriate segues.

  

“Frank, you are certainly correct, the Red Sox were really on fire tonight. And speaking of being on fire, let’s go to Shep Sheetrock in the field with live footage from a hotel blaze which appears to have taken the lives of over 200 illegal immigrants…”

 

 Or perhaps…

 

“Thank you Chuck for that riveting report and graphic footage of the clubbing death of 50 baby seals. Speaking of clubbing, my friends and I go clubbing every weekend, and here to report on the newest craze in dance club music is night beat reporter….”

 

Yes, it is no longer enough to simply go from one story to the next. Now anchors must engage in mind numbing chit-chat; finding ever more inane ways to introduce upcoming material. But that’s not enough; you also have to be able to…

 

Be completely transparent about your personal political convictions.

 

Fox news (also know as the DNN – Dubya’s News Network) is the primary culprit when it comes to blatantly slanted reporting. It’s not uncommon to hear reports such as…

 

“Pro-Choice supporters gathered on Capital Hill today for a rally. For news on other Godless Heathens, let’s turn to…”

 

Or

 

“Democrats are again trying to block some of the President’s judicial appointments. Apparently, they actually believe that being a Klan member and a Nazi war criminal is reason to keep someone off the bench…”

 

Finally, you must have…

 

The “look.”

 

Men must have a chin chiseled enough to make Michelangelo feel like a failure, and women must look like a pageant contestant, only more perky. Sort of like Barbie on crack. 

 

That’s all it takes, although a strong correlation between shoe size and IQ is a big plus. 

 

I keep telling myself I’m just going to turn it off and go live in a commune in Montana, but I can’t help myself, I might miss an important Michael Jackson update on the “crawl” across the bottom of CNN.